


The Sharpest Lives

by Kayteebr



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Abuse, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Attempted Murder, Attempted Seduction, Beating, Bottom Gerard Way, Death, Depression, Drugs, Falling In Love, Gay Sex, Graphic Violence, Guns, Light BDSM, Love Confessions, M/M, Murder, Oral Sex, Overdosing, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Recovery, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Shooting, Suicide Attempt, Top Frank Iero, Trials, Violence, non-character death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:51:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 80,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8841718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kayteebr/pseuds/Kayteebr
Summary: Set in an AU where Gerard is an Editor at a Comic Book Publisher and Frank is a Record Store Clerk and singer in Pency Prep.Gerard and Frank meet via mutual Friends and instantly hit it off. Their relationship blossoms quickly and the two fall in love. Gerard is battling with depression and anxiety. Will Frank be able to handle Gerard's emotional needs?Gerard's painful past shows up in the present to haunt both men, physically and emotionally. This is a story about love, life, pain, depression and coping. There are many twists and turns that will put the couple's relationship to the test in real world situations.( I will add more to the summary as it becomes available. I don't want to spoil the story ;) )





	1. Early Sunsets Over Monroeville

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress and I really hope you give it a shot! This is not my first fanfiction or book, however it has been a while so go easy on me! :)

He moved at a steady pace, in a hurry to get home, but careful to take his steps with caution in effort to avoid slipping on the ice. New York City was basically a sheet of ice this time of year, all the trees barren, apart from the icicles forming from the melted snow on the branches. It was that time of year when it warmed up just enough to melt the season’s snowfall during the day, and then freeze it into an ice rink after dusk. Gerard would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the winter; it’s not that he liked slipping and falling on ice, or walking into work with soaked pant legs from the wet snow – he hated those things as much as the next guy. But, Gerard did like the cold. He felt at peace in the winter.  
The foliage was dead, much like he felt. Ok, so maybe that was an overstatement, but Gerard was known for self-loathing. It was the truth, though, he just felt more comfortable in the cold, brisk air. He liked breathing in the icy wind, letting it burn his lungs, reminding him of the days when he was a teenager and had just began smoking. The familiar burn was something he missed about smoking; now that he was hopelessly addicted, the burn was gone. There was just an incessant need to keep up his habit so that he didn’t have an anxiety attack. He had convinced himself that smoking helped ease his anxieties, but money was tight and in reality, the monthly expense likely added to his worry. When he came to think of it, there wasn’t much of the day, or night, for that matter when he wasn’t filled with a nagging panic. A panic of what exactly, he never could decide. It could be anything from potentially forgetting an important event, to paying the bills on time, and even the various ways he could die. Gerard couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t plagued by the intrusive thoughts.  
The first time he can recall having a panic attack was at age 8, he had been playing with the neighbor boy, Brian, at the park a few streets down from his house. Brian decided they should take turns on the slide. The slide wasn’t one Gerard had been down before, it was the kind that is enclosed and makes twists and turns as you go down. Gerard felt a pang of uncertainty before entering the tunnel, but Brian insisted that it was “cool” and “fun”. As Gerard began to lower himself in front of the slide, he felt all the blood rush from his head into his toes. All he could see inside the tunnel was black. He gently pushed himself into the opening and began to slowly slide down. For about five seconds, Gerard felt a little silly. The slide was just that – a slide. There was nothing inside that was going to bite him and eat him up, there were no monsters waiting for him on the other side, it was just a slide. It was actually kind of fun. That’s when he stopped moving. He hadn’t realized, but he kept his palms flat on the inside of the small channel, and he had sufficiently slowed himself to a stop whilst thinking about his uncertainties. Gerard was frozen in place, stuck in the slide and unable to move.  
“Gerard?” Brian called. “Are you stuck?”  
Gerard couldn’t answer. There were a million thoughts running through his head. He imagined having to be cut out of the slide by firemen, and he thought about his mom scolding him for being so foolish. Only a few minutes passed by of Gerard trying to contemplate his situation, but it felt like hours. 

“Just push yourself down, Gerard! I want to go down!” Brian was getting impatient.  
Gerard still couldn’t fathom an answer. He tried to move his feet, but the rubber on the bottom of his sneakers proved to only squeak against the plastic tube. He hadn’t moved an inch. He started breathing heavy, and he could feel the heat build inside the tube. His head felt light, his vision was dizzy, and his hands were sweating against the plastic. He was certain he was going to die, throw up, or both.  
“If you won’t share I’m going home, then.” Brian huffed.  
Gerard tried to yell back, but his voice was hoarse. 

“Wait – please don’t leave me here!” He cried. 

“It’s just a slide, Gerard. You’re such a weirdo.” 

And with that, he heard Brian’s footsteps down the wooden platform and through the grass, and he was gone. Gerard was alone.  
Gerard didn’t remember how he got down the slide, only that he woke up on the woodchips directly under the opening below. His best guess is that he passed out, and his body went limp enough for him to slide down the rest of the way. He does remember running home, crying. Gerard never returned to that park, and he avoided Brian for weeks.  
By the time he reached the front door to his apartment building, he had sufficiently filled himself with enough brooding thoughts to last him through the night. He entered the building, taking note of the warm heat and stripping his scarf and gloves off as he made his way up the stairs. Once he entered his apartment, he began his nightly routine. As soon as he had his coat hung neatly in the closet, he flipped on the living room light and headed for the record player.  
He flipped through the records mindlessly, he loved them all –fairly- equally, with a few exceptions. He settled on The Smiths – Meat is Murder, classic, and ironic, as he heated his dinner in the microwave, the second half of a burger from lunch. He wasn’t particularly hungry, but he knew his mother would be calling at 6PM sharp, like every night, and the first thing she would ask is “have you eaten?”  
He had just enough time to uncap a beer when the beep from the microwave went off. He sat down on the couch, burger and beer in hand and got comfortable. He glanced at the clock – 5:37PM, as he took his first bite.  
The burger was lukewarm, but the bun was searing hot – he really should have taken the bun off before heating the burger. The roll was mushy, and honestly none of it tasted good. It wasn’t that spectacular when he ordered it fresh this afternoon, but this was bad on a new level. He threw the burger back down and sat back into the couch with his beer in hand. He mindlessly flipped through his phone, opening Facebook out of habit. He scrolled through the posts without reading them, only scanning for interesting pictures. There were none. It seemed like only minutes passed, when his phone began to ring in his hand forcing his attention back to reality. He glanced over at the clock again – 6:02PM. 

“Hi, Mom.” He answered.

“Hi, sweetie how was your day? Have you had dinner? Did you have trouble getting home with the ice?” she asked sweetly, barraging him with questions, as she did every time she called.

“It was fine; the subway was running on a delay so I just walked. I ate the rest of my burger from lunch” He sighed.

“Honey, please be careful. I don’t want you falling and getting hurt. The temperature is supposed to rise next week, though.” She seemed relieved that Gerard wouldn’t have to be walking in the cold much longer, but Gerard was mildly disappointed at the warming temperatures.

“I know, Mom. It’s OK.” He answered, thinking about the hell that was summer heat, even though he knew he had at least four months before he would be faced with such temperatures.

“How was work? How’s Lindsey?” His mom asked; she sounded genuinely interested, but Gerard couldn’t help but be annoyed. She didn’t bother Mikey this way. He knew that she just worried about him, but sometimes it just got on his nerves.

“Work was fine, Lindsey is good.” He said, not willing to give more information than necessary.  
“Just good? I heard she was doing a little better than “good”.” She asked, and he could hear her eyebrow arching in question through her voice.

“She’s great, mom. Spectacular. She seems happy. The ring is nice.” Gerard drawled, his answer dripping with sarcasm at first, but ending in honesty.

“Don’t get snippy with me, Gerard. I was just making conversation. I’m glad she found a nice boy to marry. It makes me wonder when you…” She was interrupted by a loud grunt. 

“Ugh, mom! Please.” Gerard whined. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s a mother’s duty to annoy her son about marriage. You know, I always thought you and Lindsey would make a great couple. You have so many things in common.” She sounded almost disappointed, but Gerard wouldn’t let it get to him. He knew what she was doing. 

“Mom, you know why that won’t work. We’ve been over this.” Gerard rolled his eyes as he spoke, having had this conversation what seemed like one hundred times before.

“I know, I just want you to…I don’t know, I want grandchildren. I want you to be happy.” She answered honestly.  
“I’m sure Mikey will give you all the grandchildren you could ever want. I’ll give you grand cats.” At this point, Gerard was annoyed and he made no attempt to hide it.

“You know I am just pushing your buttons, Gerard. I love you no matter what, and I know you will find a nice man to settle down with one day. Someone who will adopt my grand cat’s with you.” She laughed a little, and Gerard couldn’t help the small smirk that appeared on his lips. He knew his mother meant well, and she loved him unconditionally, but deep down he did wonder about disappointing her.

“I know mom, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. The men in New York City aren’t usually my type, you know, Wall Street Bankers and big shots.” He was being honest; the men he met in the city were good for one thing – sex. They never had anything in common, and Gerard just couldn’t imagine seriously dating any of the men he had met. He worked as a comic book artist, how could he ever have anything in common with men who didn’t even understand art?

“It will happen when you least expect it, but it will happen.” Her optimism didn’t transfer to him, even as he considered her words.

“Well, I’ll let you go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, same time?” She asked

“Same time as always. Love you” Gerard confirmed.

“Love you too” She said before hanging up the phone.  
Gerard sunk back into the couch, not realizing he had been sitting forward and tensed. He let his head fall back slightly, and closed his eyes, before he knew it he was drifting off to sleep. The record player had long shut off when he re-awoke. A quick glance at the clock told him it was 11:21PM. He was sure that he fell asleep sitting up, but when he woke up he was lying sideways on the couch. He slowly dragged his tired body off the couch, and made way for his bedroom, leaving his unfinished food on the coffee table. The second his head hit the pillow he was out again, drifting back to sleep.

The remainder of the week went by uneventfully; Gerard had a deadline of 5PM Friday evening to finish the editing project he was working on. With nothing else to focus on, he was finished by lunchtime on Thursday. He spent the remainder of the day Thursday drawing sketches for a new comic book he wanted to propose at the next quarterly meeting. By Friday, his mind was checked out. He spent most of the day sipping his coffee and staring out the window next to his desk. He watched the ice melt off of the gutters on the building, with puddles building below. He was entirely too apathetic about winter coming to a close than most people should be. Gerard thought briefly about moving to Siberia, before coming to the conclusion that there probably weren’t many hipster coffee shops, record stores and comic book shops in Siberia to keep him happy, even if it was eternally winter.  
Gerard was counting the number of people who walked passed his window when his phone buzzed with a text. 

“What are you up to tonight?”  
It was Lindsey; he knew it before he even picked up the phone. She texted him almost every Friday around this time, asking what he was doing that night. She always wanted to go out and get plastered recently, and since she would be married soon – he assumed she was probably trying to get it out of her system before settling down.

“Nothing. I’m pretty tired, though.” He lied.  
“You’re a liar.” How was she able to see through his lies through text message? She knew him entirely too well for his liking.  
“Ok so I’m not like falling asleep tired, but it’s been a long week.” That was less of a lie, but still not completely true. It had been a fairly easy week at work.

“All the more reason to come out with us! :)” She always knew how to rope Gerard into her schemes.

“Who is us?” Gerard inquired. Usually it was just the two of them when they went out and god shit-faced. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of strangers.

“Me, Brent, Jamia, Ray. Mikey even said he would come. Gerard, you have to. We’re celebrating mine and Brent’s engagement, I really want my best friend there…” Gerard could hear her voice in his head, trailing off, with her bottom lip pouting. 

“Fine. Where and when?” Gerard was hesitant, but Lindsey was his best friend and he wouldn’t flake out on her engagement celebration. He really liked Brent. He treated her well, and he was genuinely happy for them. 

“I’ll pick you up at 8! Love you!” Again, he could practically hear Lindsey’s voice in his head, giddy and smiling. It was enough to make him smile, too.

When Gerard got home from work, he actually was tired. He thought about calling Lindsey and telling her he couldn’t make it, and that he would buy her and Brent drinks the next time they went out to make up for it. He sat down on his bed and stared at his phone, agonizing over how he would tell her. After 20 minutes, he admitted defeat and got up. He stood in front of the closet for at least 10 minutes, trying to figure out what he should wear. Normally, he wouldn’t care, but he didn’t know if where they were going was casual, or fancy. Knowing Lindsey, it was anything but fancy, but they were celebrating an engagement after all. He settled on a pair of tight black jeans and a black button up top. He tucked the shirt in and slid a black belt into the belt loops. He rolled the sleeves up to his elbows, figuring this looked casual, but he could always roll his sleeves down if the venue called for more formal attire. He thought briefly about putting on a tie, but hoped Lindsey would have told him if he needed to dress up that much. He figured his black doc martens were practical for the weather, and slipped them on. He waltzed into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked OK, but his hair was getting too long. He made a mental note to trim it tomorrow. He played with it until it stuck up in all the right places, and looked unruly but not undone. He shrugged and turned out of the bathroom. He had about 45 minutes before Lindsey would be there, so he began to brew a fresh pot of coffee. Whenever he went out with Lindsey he had a tendency to stay out until midnight or later, and he would be thankful he got some caffeine in him later.  
As he stood in the kitchen waiting for the pot to brew, he mulled over what to do with his spare time. Gerard didn’t have many hobbies, and his favorite past time, drawing comic’s, also happened to be his profession. It was sufficient to say that by the time he got home, he was spent on ideas to create. Without thinking, he sauntered back into his bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet without looking himself in the mirror again; he didn’t want to look at himself right now. The medicine cabinet was mostly empty. There were a few hair care products, a pair of sheers, shaving cream and disposable razor, an extra tube of toothpaste and toothbrush, q-tips, and a small clear box containing 10 razor blades. He picked up the clear container and closed the medicine cabinet. He took a seat on the edge of the tub and opened the box. Some of the blades were fresh; they were kept on the left side of the container. There was a divider in the middle where he kept the old blades contained. Gerard didn’t want an infection if he could avoid it.  
He selected a fresh blade and pulled his sleeves out of the way of the underside of his left arm. His sleeves were rolled up enough to see his wrists, but the upper half of his forearm was covered. That would have to be sufficient for tonight. He pressed the cold metal to his skin, and he considered himself for a moment. This had all become so habitual, like smoking or drinking. It was a crutch, and Gerard knew this. It was how he coped with his existence, with his anxiety and with his fears. There was no sadness involved in the action anymore; it was just something he needed to do to get through the day. It wasn’t even every day that Gerard cut himself, sometimes he could go days without doing it. Sometimes he would forget, being so busy at work, but there were also times he couldn’t think of anything else. Sometimes when Gerard was home alone, with nothing to take his mind off of himself, he could sit in the bathroom and slice his arms and legs for hours. This had become a less often occurrence in the last few years, however, thanks to Lindsey. The cuts were never extremely deep; he found that the shallow cuts seemed to hurt more. He pressed down with the blade and pulled downwards, making a red line just below his inner elbow. Gerard watched the blood begin to bubble out of the opening, and drip down his arm. He grabbed a piece of tissue and dabbed at the wound, careful not to wipe too much of the blood away, but not to get any on his shirt. As he tended to his arm, the coffee maker beeped in the kitchen signaling it was finished brewing. Gerard sighed to himself, slipped the blade back in its case and left it on the bathroom sink as he made his way back into the kitchen.  
Five minutes later and Gerard sat down on the couch, a hot mug of coffee in his fist. He took slow sips, savoring the taste. He knew that shortly, he would only be able to taste the burn of straight alcohol.


	2. Get the Gang Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard and Frank meet for the first time, hitting it off instantly. Both men are uncertain what the other is looking for in a partner, if they are looking at all. The night is filled with chances, nerves, and plenty of blushes cheeks as the two get to know each other.

It was about 8:15 when Lindsey texted Gerard saying she was outside. Lindsey was usually late, so this was no surprise. Gerard plucked his pea coat out of the closet and shook it on. He tightly wrapped a scarf around his neck, and slid his gloves on his fingers. He made his way down the building stairs, closing and locking the door behind him. He slipped into the passenger seat of Lindsey’s car, smiling at her as she looked over at him. It hadn’t been more than a week or two since they had been out, but Lindsey took notice.   
“You need a haircut!” she giggled. Gerard usually trimmed his hair so that it was just long enough to curl around his face. Never too short, and never too long; he felt like both styles made his face look too round. It was raven colored and teased so it looked like he had rolled out of bed and left it.  
“Yeah, I know. I’ll cut it tomorrow”. Gerard sighed. He now felt incredibly self-conscious about it, and wished he had just trimmed it before he left. He certainly had enough time. Lindsey must have been able to see the scowl on his face, because she quickly backtracked her words.  
“I think it looks nice! You should let it grow!” She grinned as she pulled the car out of the parking lot. She turned left heading towards the city.   
Gerard just grunted in response.  
“Where are we going, anyway?” he inquired.  
“Not far, there’s this bar near where Brent works called Cole’s that he goes to with his co-workers. We’re meeting him there.” She seemed excited.  
The car ride was surprisingly short for New York City traffic on a Friday night, and soon they were making their way into a small, dimly lit establishment. Lindsey’s face lit up when she saw him.  
“Brent!” she yelled, waving at him and quickly ushering Gerard over to the table. Brent and a few other people were sitting at a round table, all already with drinks, laughing and talking.   
“Gerard, of course you know Brent. You remember Jamia from my work? And Ray, of course.”  
She trailed on, these were all mutual friends of hers and Brent’s that he knew vaguely, but there was a face he didn’t recognize. He had scruffy black hair that hung just so over his face. He had olive skin, and his arms and hands were painted with tattoos. He gave a sheepish grin as he saw Gerard glance at him.

“This is Frank, Jamia’s friend.” Lindsey said  
“Hi” Frank said, a smile escaping his lips as he said it. Gerard just kept staring, unwillingly, until he found the strength to answer back.  
“Hello…” he said quietly. Suddenly, he was extremely nervous. He didn’t know why. He usually didn’t have a problem meeting new people. Granted, he didn’t really like people in general, but he was able to easily fake a genuine Hello. For some reason he felt like Frank stopped him in his tracks. He slipped off his coat, scarf and gloves and sat down at the open seat across from Frank, next to Lindsey.   
“Gee, want a drink?” Mikey asked from across the table. Gerard shifted his glance from Frank’s fingers fidgeting on the table, up to Mikey’s face. Mikey took notice of Gerard’s distracted glaze when he looked over. 

“Actually, why don’t you come up with me?” Mikey winked at him.  
Gerard just shrugged and got up from his chair, following at his brother’s heels.  
As they made their way to the bar, Mikey had a cheeky smile on his face that made Gerard’s cheeks burn with embarrassment. If there was one person who knew Gerard better than Lindsey, it was certainly Mikey.  
“Cute, huh?” Mikey smirked.  
“What?”   
“Frank. He’s cute. I mean, I guess. You seemed to think so, I could see it in your eyes the second you saw him. You’re pretty obvious.” Mikey glared at him like he could see right through him, hell, he probably could.  
If Gerard’s cheeks weren’t red before, they certainly were now.   
“Oh, yeah I guess.” Gerard admitted. “Jamia’s lucky.” He wasn’t sure why he added that out loud, he meant to keep that in his head.  
“What?” Mikey stopped and looked at him, confused. “I just mean he’s good looking, Jamia has good taste in men.” Gerard was mumbling at this point, trying to find a way out of the conversation.   
Mikey laughed, really loudly. Gerard was beyond uncomfortable by the time they reached the bar.   
“What can I get you boys?” the bartender asked.  
“Four tequila shots, actually make it five and – Gerard?” Mikey asked  
“Just a Jack and Coke, thanks.”  
As soon as the bartender turned his back to the men, Mikey continued.  
“Gee, that’s not Jamia’s boyfriend. He’s gay.” Mikey seemed genuinely intrigued by Gerard’s inability to tell. “For a gay man, you have zero gaydar.”  
Gerard felt his face get flush with embarrassment for the second time tonight, and he was starting to regret coming out.  
“How do you even know?”   
“It’s so obvious, Gee.” Mikey said this like it was written on Frank’s forehead.   
They gathered their drinks and headed back to the table in silence. Gerard’s head was filled with questions. How did he not pick up on Frank being gay? He never had a problem when he was alone and in a bar, looking for a one night fling. He could pick out the men who were there for the same reason almost instantly. There was something about Frank that threw him off his game.

They made their way through the crowd and sat down, Gerard passing a quick glance to Frank. Mikey doled out the shots. One for Lindsey, Brent, Jamia, Ray and Himself.   
Gerard noticed Frank had a coke in front of him and decided to make conversation while the rest of the group got plastered.   
“Not drinking tonight, Frank?” He asked.  
“Nah, not tonight. I have to be up early tomorrow morning, I’m opening the record store and then playing a show tomorrow night. I can’t afford to be hung over. Tomorrow night, however, well that’s a different story.” Frank laughed as he spoke, flashing his teeth in a sincere grin.  
“You work at a record store?” Gerard wasn’t just trying to make conversation now, he was surprised, and intrigued. Not because Frank didn’t look like the type who wouldn’t work at a record store, just that he rarely came across cute, gay record store workers. Especially not this easy.  
“Yeah, I work at Jupiter Records on 4th street. I have for a few years now. They work around my hectic schedule when I am playing shows.” Frank sounded so nonchalant when he talked about his life, like it wasn’t something to gawk over. For Gerard, it was.   
“What about you, Gerard? What do you do?” Frank smiled up at him. There was something so genuine about him.   
“I uh…” Gerard almost forgot how to speak caught up in listening intently at Frank. Frank laughed.  
“I work for Berkley comics. I’m in editing, but I really want to write my own someday.”  
“Holy shit! That’s awesome!” Frank giggled, seeming actually interested in Gerard’s boring editing job. He guessed the title seemed cooler than it actually was.  
“Hey I’m going to get a smoke. Do you want to come?” Frank asked.   
Gerard nodded and followed Frank out the front door. The air was cold and Gerard forgot to put on his coat before we walked out, but he didn’t mind. He wanted to keep talking to Frank even if it was negative 20 degrees outside.   
As soon as Gerard got outside, he pulled out his cigarettes and pursed one between his lips. He had trouble getting it lit at first, as the wind picked up around them.  
“Come on motherfucker.” Gerard mumbled, finally getting his cigarette lit. He took a few puffs and turned to look at Frank, who was already looking at him, giggling at his fumbling. Gerard felt his cheeks get hot again.   
“How did you know I smoked?” Gerard inquired.  
“I didn’t.” Frank said “I just wanted to keep talking to you, somewhere quieter.”   
Gerard let a smile befall his lips, not knowing what to say.   
“So, you said your job is flexible so you can play shows…are you in a band?” Gerard assumed it was obvious, but he wanted to know more about Frank.  
“Yeah, Pency Prep. I play guitar, and sing. Well, I kind of sing. I’m not very good, but I enjoy it.” Frank gushed.  
“I’d love to come to a show some time.” Gerard said, not sure where his confidence was coming from. Frank was really throwing him for a loop, and Gerard didn’t know how to respond. He tried never to show much interest in guys he wanted to have a one night stand with, and it had been a long time since he was interested in someone for anything other than sex. Gerard didn’t know what he wanted from Frank. He didn’t know what Frank would possibly want from him.  
“I’d like that.” Frank said. His cheeks were red, and Gerard hoped it was because he felt the same fluttery feeling in his chest that he did, but it was likely just the cold air.   
“Tell me about editing comic books; that sounds incredible.” Frank looked up at Gerard with interest. He was about 4 inches shorter than Gerard, and all that he could think about was how perfectly he imagined Frank would fit in his arms when he hugged him. If he ever got to hug him. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Frank’s silence.  
Gerard giggled at the thought that Frank thought his job was “incredible”.   
It’s OK, my dream job is to create my own, but being an editor I do get to read a lot of them before they are even issued. I get to see a lot of the unfinished product, and help weed out the content. It’s neat to see all of the scenes the writers wanted to put into the comic, but unfortunately either couldn’t fit, or got cut. I feel like I get to know so much more of the story than the regular reader does.” As Gerard finished, he realized, as a lover of Comic’s, his job really did sound incredible, and he should probably appreciate it more often.  
“Wow, Gerard. You should show me some you have been the editor on, I’d love to get some insider knowledge.” Frank winked at Gerard, and he felt his heart stop beating in his chest for a moment.  
“Definitely.” Was all he could manage to get out through his smile.

“Let’s get inside before we freeze.” He said, gazing back at Gerard. Both boys tapped their cigarettes out on the brick wall behind them, and made their way back into the building. 

When they returned, the group was in a heated debate, apparently Star Wars vs Star Trek.  
“I ... can't ... believe we just got shot. I ... hope ... that this is ... over.” Mikey mimicked Captain Kirk. “Seriously, guys? This guy is trusted to command a star ship?” Mikey was making his point for Star Wars, obviously.   
“Han solo is as risky as they come!” Ray defended.  
“Please, Kirk is a moron.” Mikey rolled his eyes.   
“Frank? Gee? Thoughts?” Ray asked with a smirk.  
“I’m for Star Wars, without a doubt.” Gerard said confidently, he and Mikey grew up on Star Wars.  
“Frank?” Mikey mused, waiting for an answer.  
Gerard was almost nervous for his answer, not that it held any weight, but if Frank seemed any more perfect, Gerard might just fall in love right here.  
“That’s an easy one – Star Wars. They have lightsabers, and Boba Fett. Jordy doesn’t hold a candle to Boba Fett.” Frank obviously had researched both sides, and suddenly Gerard felt his heart skip a beat again. 

The rest of the night was spent debating various movies, music and pop culture. Gerard tried to pay special attention to Frank’s answers. It seemed like they would have a lot in common, and as the night went on, that filled Gerard with anxiety. He wanted to see Frank again, but how could he approach him? What if he wasn’t single? His head was spinning, both from the questions he had, and the four Jack and Coke’s he drank on a nearly empty stomach. It was nearing midnight when Ray said he had to get going. Mikey wasn’t far behind, leaving Jamia, Frank, Lindsey and Brent at the table. They chatted for another 20 minutes, when Lindsey and Brent said they, too had to get going. Jamia eyed frank silently asking when they were leaving, but Frank raised his eyebrow at her. She got the message, they needed to wait. For what, she didn’t know.   
“I’m starving.” Gerard professed, he was definitely buzzed, and his empty stomach was only amplifying the effects of the alcohol.   
“I’m exhausted.” Lindsey said, eyeing Gerard, signaling it was time to go home.   
“I’m pretty hungry, too.” Frank said, cutting in. Jamia glared daggers at him, wondering what was going on in his head, knowing he had to be up at 7AM to open the store.   
“Yeah, we should probably just head home.” Lindsey glanced over at Gerard, hoping he would catch her drift.   
“Well I’m hungry, Gerard, I drove here, if you want to grab a bite to eat with me. I know a 24 hour café not too far from here.” Frank eyed Gerard nervously, afraid he would reject him. Maybe he had misread Gerard’s signals. Gerard noticed Jamia seemed surprised, her forehead scrunched in inquiry. Is asking what was basically a stranger out for a meal at 1AM something Frank did often? If it was, Jamia didn’t seem to know.   
“That sounds like heaven.” Gerard said, letting a giant grin flood his lips. He didn’t mean to let his happiness be so evident in his face, but the alcohol was blurring his self-control.   
“Cool. I’ll just…go get my car.” Frank said, eyeing Jamia.   
“I’ll walk you to your car.” Jamia said almost instantaneously, almost seeming nervous.  
“Thank you guys for coming, we all have to hang out again sometime!” Lindsey said, standing up from her seat, and embracing Jamia in a hug.   
“It was nice to meet you, Frank.” Lindsey said, reaching out to shake Frank’s hand. He took her hand in his, and shook firmly.   
“You, too.” He said, smiling at her and Brent. “Congratulations on the engagement.”  
Brent nodded, and Frank and Jamia were walking out the door. The second they exited the building, Lindsay grabbed Gerard’s hand and turned him to face her.   
“Gerard, please be careful. You’re definitely tipsy and I trust Jamia, but I don’t know Frank.” Lindsey was nervous but calm, even after the several shots she had taken. 

“I know what I’m doing, Lindsey.” He smirked. He was nervous, too, but not for the same reason.

“I know you do. But, also, if you have a one night thing with him…don’t bail on him in the morning. I want to remain being friends with Jamia, and I can’t imagine her being too happy if you fuck and run on her best friend.” Lindsey let a small smile escape her lips, showing her approval, but she was apprehensive. Gerard gave her a gentle hug and slipped his hands out of hers, and turned to walk out of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to follow me on twitter for regular updates on when this will be updated. @crashintokate.
> 
> Leave comments or questions if you have them, I will answer them! :)


	3. Stage 4 Fear of Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank is taking a chance he normally never would, and despite the fact that he has a job to go to in the morning, all he can think about is spending time getting to know the raven haired man he met just hours ago.

Jamia shot Frank a glance that made his stomach flip, he was already tense and Jamia seemed so unsure that he was starting to second guess himself. They were hardly out the door when Jamia took his hand to slow down his pace.  
“I thought you had to be up early?” She probed as they walked hand in hand.  
“I do…” Frank hadn’t forgotten, but he had conveniently skipped over the detail that perhaps staying out until who knows when, might not be the best idea.  
“This isn’t like you, Frank.” She reached to feel his head for a fever in a cosseting gesture, and Frank swatted it away. Jamia just laughed.   
“Don’t remind me, I’m nervous as it is.” He gave Jamia a small smile from the corner of his mouth and turned the corner towards his car.   
“I’m just picking on you; I like it when you show a little bit of spontaneity. Gerard seems nice. Who needs sleep, anyway?” Jamia chuckled at him, flashing her teeth. “Just be careful, and call me in the morning. I want details.” She winked at him and pulled him in for a hug. She left Frank at his car, and turned to walk the other direction. Frank waved at her as she strolled away, and took a deep breath.   
When Gerard got outside he lit a cigarette, and waited for Frank. He probably should have asked what car he drives. He barely had time to take a drag of his cigarette when a black sedan pulled up. It wasn’t new, but it wasn’t old either. He figured probably between a 2008 and a 2011. It was too dark to see what make. It suited frank. He saw Frank get out of the driver side and smile at Gerard, walking around and opening the passenger door for him. Gerard quickly stubbed out his cigarette and walked towards the car. He smiled at Frank before sliding into the passenger seat.   
The car smelled distinctly like leather and cologne. It was intoxicating and Gerard felt lightheaded, but that was probably just the alcohol.  
Frank shut the passenger door, and made his way back around the car. He sat back into the driver’s seat and glanced over at Gerard, who was staring out the window at the flurry of snow that was beginning to fall.

“Warm enough?” Frank asked as he toyed with the dials on the center console.  
“Oh, yeah definitely.” Gerard wouldn’t tell Frank, but he was actually a little too warm. The cold was where Gerard felt safe. He rarely turned the heat on in his car when he had one, and the alcohol was keeping him plenty warm tonight.  
“Good, well just let me know if you want me to turn the heat up or something. We won’t be in the car for long, though.” Frank smiled at Gerard as he shifted the car into drive, and pulled away from the bar.   
Gerard perked up trying to make out the sound coming from the radio, which was down almost to mute, but he could just barely make out The Misfits – Astro Zombies playing through the speakers. Gerard reached for the volume and turned it up slightly.  
“Great song…” He said, grinning.  
“Right?” Frank mused, turning the volume up a small amount higher so they could hear it properly. “My all-time favorite is Hate Breeders, though. I could listen to that song on repeat for hours.”   
“Yes! Such a good one. I’d have to pick Dust to Dust as my favorite. And you can’t go wrong with a classic like Last Caress.” Talking to Frank felt so natural; not like talking to someone he had just met. Conversation seemed to flow so easy with Frank once they got started.  
Frank was trying to focus on the road, but he kept catching glimpses of Gerard’s flushed face out of the corner of his eye. He felt much more relaxed now, and really, he couldn’t give a shit about what time it was. He was ready to stay up all night talking to Gerard if he would let him.  
They turned into a small parking lot just a few blocks from where they were, and Frank parked the car.   
“Free parking after 9PM, nice!” Frank snorted “The diner is right across the street, there.” Frank pointed to an old brown shop as he locked his car, leading the way, with Gerard on his heels.   
“You’re not too drunk to cross the street, right?” Frank chuckled at him.  
“Actually I think my buzz is wearing off, and the second I get some coffee in me I guarantee I’ll be sobered up. I think I can manage not to get hit by a car.” Gerard teased Frank. “Let’s find out.” Gerard took a quick glance both ways, and sprinted across the road. A silver car pulling away from the curb honked at him as he passed. He just turned around and waved at Frank from the other side, laughing. The driver of the silver car promptly stuck his middle finger out the window, and sped off.  
Frank looked both ways and jogged over, trying to catch his breath from laughing and running at the same time. “Dangerous! Most New York drivers would have just hit you, you know. You must be drunk.” He alleged, still laughing, and walking at Gerard’s side into the restaurant.   
“Hi! Just two of you?” the hostess beamed at the boys, retrieving two menu’s from her station as they walked in.  
“Yep.” Frank replied.  
“Right this way.” The hostess turned around and gestured for them to follow her, menu’s in tow.  
She led them to a booth in the far right corner of the establishment. There were no other patrons in this section of the café, and Frank felt the butterflies rise in his chest as he watched Gerard take his seat. They were alone now, and they had time to talk about…anything. He was suddenly anxious again. What if Gerard was really more drunk than he let on? He only saw him get four mixed drinks over the course of three hours, and he only finished half of the last one. He knew that if he had drank that amount, he wouldn’t be drunk, but he was still apprehensive. What if they actually didn’t have anything in common and it was just a coincidence that they seemed to agree on a select few things?  
Frank sat across from Gerard and pulled his jacket off, laying it on the seat beside him.   
“Coffee?” a voice said and Frank was pulled from his thoughts. He opened his menu and glanced down at it.  
“Please.” Gerard answered.  
“Yes, thank you.” Frank said, and the hostess was off to retrieve their drinks.  
“So, Gerard…” Frank trailed off, not knowing how to start the conversation again.  
“Call me Gee, only my mom and Lindsey when she’s mad call me Gerard.” He laughed.  
“I like that. Gee.” Frank smirked at him, like he was in thought. “I never really had a nickname, Frank always seemed so ordinary to me. I had an Aunt who used to call me Frankie, though.”  
“I think Frankie is a cute nickname.” Gerard pondered out loud and felt his cheeks get hot again.  
Franks heart skipped a beat when he heard the pet name.  
“It’s been a long time since anyone has called me that; she passed away when I was nine.” Frank said clumsily.  
“Oh, I’m sorry I won’t call you that if it’s weird.” Suddenly Gerard felt uncomfortable, and was afraid he had said something wrong.  
“No, no. I like it. It’s different when you say it…” Frank realized he was talking out loud instead of in his head. Gerard seemed to have that effect on him. “My Aunt and I weren’t close.”  
Gerard smiled at him considering the nickname. It sounded so natural when he spoke it out loud.  
Just then, the waitress returned with two cups, and a pot of coffee. She had various creamers and sugars under her arm, as well.   
“Here you go. Have you decided on something to eat?”  
Gerard looked at Frank who nodded. Gerard would order under pressure.  
“I’ll have the veggie burger, no cheese.” Frank said, closing his menu. Gerard eyed him questionably; he couldn’t order a burger now. He couldn’t order a turkey club, or a BLT. He felt weird eating meat in front of Frank, unsure how he would feel about it. He assumed Frank would mention it if it was a big deal, he seemed open enough, but he wanted to make a good impression.  
“I’ll have that, too.” Gerard tried to sound confident, but the look on Frank’s face was that of disbelief.  
“I’ll get that in right away.” The waitress said and strolled away from the table.  
“Are you a vegetarian?” Frank gawked at Gerard like he had two heads. He couldn’t help the admiration spread across his face as he saw Gerard turn red.  
“No, but I’ve never had a veggie burger before. I’ve had hundreds of regular burgers and I’m getting bored with them…I’d like to try something new. Plus, I didn’t want to eat meat in front of you after hearing you order…you know, just in case you weren’t cool with it…” Gerard was sufficiently embarrassed at this point. He gazed down at his hands in his lap, waiting for Frank to say something.  
Frank smiled, staring at Gerard fidgeting in his seat.

“That was…really, really sweet of you, Gee. You didn’t have to do that, I don’t mind that other people eat meat. It’s my choice to make for myself, not to make for you.” Frank was self-assured, but he couldn’t hide the flattery in his voice.  
“I wanted to; I’m willing to try anything once.” Gerard smiled up at Frank and their eyes met. They stared at each other for a moment, but it felt like minutes passed by as they looked into each other’s eyes, demanding to read one another’s thoughts. It should have been weird, it should have been awkward…but it wasn’t. Gerard felt unperturbed, and it’s like he could feel his anxieties melt away. He wasn’t in the diner any more surrounded by bad 50’s music and weary waitresses; he was in a silent room with only Frank to hold his attention.  
They spent the next hour discussing their favorite albums and movies. They both loved gory horror films and were in love with Morrissey in High School more than they thought they would ever confess. Gerard learned that Frank was 24, only two years younger than him. They both grew up in New Jersey, but an hour away from each other. They both had a love for all things Britpop, and had a mutual hate for insects.  
When their food came, Frank talked more about how he became a vegetarian and what kind of foods he ate. Gerard was hesitant at first, but once he started eating he forgot that his meal was meatless. It was good, and as hungry as he was, he probably could have eaten anything. The way frank described what spices he used, and how he prepared his meals made Gerard consider how difficult for him it would be to cut meat out of his diet. Who knows, maybe if he could convince Frank to stick around he could try.  
By the time they finished their food and drank the entire pot of coffee, it was approaching 3AM.   
“Oh, shit.” Frank huffed, looking at his phone. “It’s almost 3AM.”   
“Yeah, we kind of lost track of time. What time did you say you needed to be up in the morning?” Gerard asked, feeling a little guilty.  
“Seven…I open the store tomorrow at 8AM. No one even shows up until noon, I’ve told the owner it’s just a waste of electricity to open up shop that early, but he’s old fashioned that way.” Frank rolled his eyes and yawned.  
The waitress discreetly dropped the check on the table and both Frank and Gerard motioned to grab it at the same time.   
“Let me pay, Frank.” Gerard said.  
“Not a chance, I asked you here, you even got a veggie burger to make me happy, which again you really didn’t have to do. I insist; you’ll get it next time…” Frank let a smile spread across his lips, and hoped he wasn’t being too forward.  
Gerard felt the same flutter in his chest as earlier, and couldn’t do anything but nod and remove his hand from the check.  
Frank proceeded to pay the bill and they rose from their seats. Both men glided their coats on, ready to head out the door. Gerard went to stop Frank before he walked to his car. He assumed he’d call a cab, knowing Frank had to get home. Frank just looked at him quizzically when he stopped in his tracks.  
“What are you doing?” Frank asked.  
“Well, I wanted to call a cab since it’s late, but I wanted to see if you would maybe see me again? I’d like to take you out for coffee or something. I’d like to see your band play sometime, too.” Gerard said shyly.  
“I’d really like that, Gee. We’re playing tomorrow night at the Queen, if you’re not doing anything? The show starts at 9, but I’ll be sticking around if you’d like to get a drink with me after.” Frank felt his cheeks get hot again. Was it a date? Were they just meeting as friends? He knew what he wanted from the interaction, but he wasn’t sure Gerard felt the same.  
“I wouldn’t miss it.” Gerard said.  
“Let me drive you home.” Frank murmured, almost in a whisper. He wasn’t sure if Gerard would want that when they only just met.  
“You really don’t have to, Frankie.” Gerard reasoned. “Besides, you need to get home so you can get to sleep and rest up for your show tomorrow. “ He grinned down at Frank. It’s not that he didn’t want Frank to drive him home - he really, really did. But something about Frank was different, and he knew that he couldn’t mess this up. If he was reading Frank right, he liked him, too. Gerard knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from inviting Frank upstairs. He didn’t want a one night stand with Frank; he wanted as many nights as Frank would give him and he was willing to wait for it.  
“Ok…” Frank decided not to protest, trusting Gerard’s judgment. “But I expect to see you tomorrow night.” He winked at Gerard. “Here, let me put my number in your phone in case you need directions or something.” Frank was trying to find an excuse to give Gerard his number, but it was apparent that directions weren’t the only reason.   
Gerard handed Frank his phone and he typed in his number. When he handed it back, Gerard noticed he typed the contact name as “Frankie” and he almost squeaked. He was too adorable. He sent Frank a smiley face emoji immediately.  
“I texted you, so now you have my number, too. You know, in case you can’t find me tomorrow or something.” Gerard was almost worse than Frank when it came to hiding his ulterior motives.  
Frank looked up at Gerard after saving his number and smiled. Gerard could tell he was exhausted, but his eyes were still beautiful, even glassy and blood-shot. They stared at each other for a moment and then everything turned into a haze. Gerard couldn’t remember who initiated it, but his lips were on Franks almost instantaneously. It was slow, and soft. Franks kiss was hesitant, but he didn’t pull away. Gerard put an unsteady hand on Frank’s waist, and Frank gently slipped a hand behind Gerard’s head, tangling his fingers in his hair. The kiss quickly became firmer, with more wanting than it was initially. When they pulled away, Frank’s hand was still in Gerard’s hair and he almost forgot to let go.   
“Love your hair.” Frank giggled, releasing Gerard.   
“Really? I was going to cut it tomorrow.” Gerard smiled back down at Frank.  
“Yeah, it’s soft and dark, and it frame’s your face nicely.” He said as he pulled his hand away, gently. Frank wasn’t as shy as he was before. Gerard had squashed his doubts by kissing him. He knew what they both wanted, and it wasn’t just friendship. He felt like in this moment he could say exactly what he was thinking.  
“I’ll remember that.” Gerard said with a smirk.  
“Goodnight, Gee” He whispered to Gerard.  
“Night, Frankie.” Gerard purred back.  
And with that, Frank crossed the street to his car, unlocked it and got in. He waved to Gerard as he passed by him waiting for his cab in front of the diner. It was only about 5 minutes later that a cab drove up and Gerard waved it down. He got in and gave the cabbie his address. He slumped down into the seat, a million thoughts racing through his head. He had so many questions he wanted to ask Frank. He was so uncertain, yet at the same time more hopeful than he had felt in a long time. There was only one thing he knew for sure at that moment, and it was that he wouldn’t be cutting his hair tomorrow as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @crashintokate for updates.
> 
> Anyone see a pattern in the chapter titles? Comment with what they are and you win a gold star!


	4. Yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank and Gerard mull throughout their day, both with one another on their mind.

Frank awoke to the blaring alarm he had set for himself the night before, knowing if he didn’t set at least three, he would sleep well past 7AM. He woke up at 7:21AM after hitting snooze multiple times, and considered it a success. He wouldn’t have time to shower, but at least he hadn’t slept through his shift at the record store. He sat up in bed and rubbed at his eyes. He knew today was going to be a long day, but he was excited to see Gerard again. He slipped on a pair of old blue jeans. They had tears in the knees, in the pockets, and especially around the feet. Being 5’7, most pairs of pants were too long on him. He grabbed whatever shirt was on top in his dresser drawer and pulled it on. It was a Melvin’s shirt – an old one, from High School. That had to be the only benefit of not growing since he was at 16, his vintage clothes still fit him. His socks and sneakers followed, and he pocketed his phone and wallet.  
Frank walked wearily towards the bathroom and opened the cabinet. He pulled out his toothpaste and toothbrush and hairbrush. He hurriedly ran the brush through his hair, and then ran his fingers through his bangs, pushing them to the side and out of his face. He grazed his fingers over the scorpion tattoo on his neck. It’s a good thing Frank never wanted a “real” job. He shrugged beside himself, and continued to brush his teeth. He stood there, looking at his tired eyes in the mirror. What did Gerard see in him? They seemed to have a lot in common, but Frank didn’t think he was some great catch. He glanced at his phone, checking the time – 7:47AM.

“Shit.”  
Frank spit out his toothpaste and rinsed out his mouth with the tap, cocking his head to the side and bending under the faucet. He barely had enough time to remember to grab his headphones and backpack as he ran out the door of his apartment, grabbing his coat off the rack on his way out. He was surprised when he saw Jamia’s car out front of the building. Frank walked up to the passenger door and made a puzzled look in her direction, she rolled down the window nearest him.  
“Get in, I told you I wanted details. It’s a good thing you didn’t go home with Gerard last night or I would have been sitting here a lot longer than I already was.” She smiled at him. Jamia knew Frank better than anyone else, and he never had been one for one night stands.  
Frank rolled his eyes and opened the door as she shoved a cup of coffee in his hands.  
“Oh my god, you’re like a guardian angel.” Frank mewled as he took the cup, savoring the warmth and sipping it slowly. She knew just how he liked it, soy milk and one sugar.  
“I’ve been here for 20 minutes, Frank, you’re late you know.” Jamia was interrogating him for answers.  
“Yeah, yeah.” He mumbled back at her as she pulled out of the parking lot.  
“I’m going to be late for work now, too.” She shot a disappointed glance over to Frank who didn’t buy her fake anger at all.  
“Please, you work practically next door. And if you were worried about being late, you would have left and went without me.” Frank knew he was stalling, but he would have to give her the run-down of his night eventually.  
“Anyway, what happened after you left last night? He didn’t come home with you, did he?” She was teasing him, of course, but she had seen the way Frank looked at Gerard. She wouldn’t have been surprised if Frank had gone home with him, even if it was something he’d only done once before.  
“We went to the diner, like I said. We just talked for a while. It was really nice to meet someone who has a lot of the same interests I do.” He beamed while looking out the window, hoping Jamia wouldn’t see the face he was making. He couldn’t hold himself back from smiling.  
“Uh-huh. And we don’t have a lot in common?” Jamia apparently hadn’t teased him enough for one morning yet.  
“You know what I mean.” Frank looked over at her that time, pursing his lips in a frown. Jamia just stuck her tongue out at him.  
“So are you going to see him again?” Of course she would ask that.  
“Yeah, I think. He said he would come to my show tonight. I told him to find me after our set.” Frank blushed again, wondering what it would be like to see him again tonight, when they were both sober. At least at first…  
“Do you want me to come? I can cancel my plans with Sarah. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable alone…” Jamia was always protective of Frank, even when she didn’t need to be. He could handle himself, especially with someone who seemed as benign as Gerard.  
“No, no, don’t be silly. I feel comfortable with Gerard. I know that I’ve just met him, but he’s…sweet.” Frank looked down at the cup of coffee in his hands, trying to hide his face from being any more evident than it was. He was obviously in lust with the guy.  
“You kissed him, didn’t you?” Jamia squealed as she pulled up in front of the record store.  
“What? Who, me? I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Frank jumbled his words together, getting back at Jamia for teasing him. “Kissed who?” He winked at her as he opened his door and slipped out.  
Jamia rolled down her window and opened her mouth to say something when Frank started to walk away, laughing.  
“Oh, come on!” He could hear her yell to him as he walked up to the front door of the store. Frank just shrugged at her and fumbled for the keys in his pocket.  
“Thanks for the ride!” He yelled to her, unlocking the store and turning on the light. Jamia raised her middle finger to him and drove away.  
Frank walked inside the store and flipped on the light. He inhaled the smell of old record sleeves and closed his eyes, relishing the smell. It was similar to the smell you were greeted with when entering a used book store or a library. It smelled like nostalgia and wistfulness. He had been working in the store since he moved to New York when he was 22. 

Frank’s mom wasn’t pleased when he told her he planned to move two hours away from her. His whole life, it was just her and her son. His dad walked out when he was an infant, and even though he had tried to get back in contact with him around the time he was 14, Frank wanted nothing to do with him. His mom had done a great job providing for them, and he didn’t need a father in his life. When his mother first found out he was gay at age 16, they both sat in the living room crying, holding each other. Three boys at school had cornered him in the bathroom and punched him in the face until his nose was broken. While he was lying on the tile floor, crying, they wrote “faggot” on his forehead in permanent marker. He had no choice but to tell his mother the truth when he walked in the door, bloody and deplorable. His mother admitted to him that she wished he had a father figure in his life to help him through this, and he could see the pain in her face as she spoke. Frank was scared, he had grown up in Catholic school where he was taught that any thoughts of homosexuality were an abomination. His mom disagreed, and promised him that no matter what she would always love him. In the back of her mind, she was scared, too. She knew that kids were cruel. She worried about Frank every day for weeks when he left for school, watching him through the window until she could no longer see him around the corner. But time went on, and things got easier. By the time Frank was a senior, he knew how to handle himself. There were kids at school who still teased him and called him names, but they didn’t bother to try and put their hands on him anymore; the last time someone made that mistake, Frank knocked his teeth out. 

On the day of his High School graduation, he sat in his car and cried. He cried because he was happy, he cried because he was sad, he cried because he had made it and because his mom had sacrificed so much for him to get to this point. He knew he wouldn’t be going to college, they just couldn’t afford it, but he had accomplished so much without the need of a father. But after a few years, Frank felt stuck. He had been working in the same tiny, family owned music store since he was 17 and he realized that he didn’t have a future in New Jersey. He recognized what he really wanted, and that was to be in a band. In the middle of scenic nowhere, which featured nothing but catholic school children and old ladies, Frank would never accomplish that here. The last time Frank cried was the day he left for New York City, two days before his 22nd Birthday.  
Every time Frank walked into the record store, he was reminded of his mother. She had bought him any album he asked for when he was a kid, no matter how broke they were. He was flooded with the memories of his childhood every morning when he breathed in the familiar scent. It almost made him want to go home. Almost.  
Frank walked behind the counter and set his bag down. He pulled up a folding chair and sat down behind the glass. It was a Saturday, sure, but even at peak periods the store would see maybe three customers at a time. He leaned back in his chair, lifting the front legs up, and balancing on the back. He put his earphones in and prepared himself for a long day. 

Gerard woke up around noon to his phone ringing, pleasantly surprised that he didn’t have a headache, likely because he ate before going home and passing out. He can thank Frank for that. As soon as the thought of Frank popped in his head, Gerard felt giddy again. He rolled over in bed and pressed his head into the pillow; it was too early to feel this bubbly inside. He ignored the call and dozed back off to sleep. When he opened his eyes again, it was nearing 2PM. Gerard hadn’t stayed in bed this long for months; it felt nice to allow his body to rest. Gerard was always so tense and restless; he rarely was able to sleep through the entire night. Most night’s he would toss and turn, staring out the window waiting for the sun to rise. Last night he only woke up once, and after sitting up and reading for 20 minutes around 6AM, he was able to fall back to sleep fairly easily.  
He lay in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to will his body to move when he heard the buzz of the intercom to his apartment. He groaned and swung his feet over the bed after a minute or two, lazily standing up and walking out of his bedroom. The intercom buzzed again and Gerard knew that only one person would be this impatient with him.  
“Just a minute, Lynz, Jesus Christ.” He mumbled to himself.  
Gerard unlocked the dead bolt and pulled the door open. In front of him stood a very irritated Lindsey, eyebrow cocked and forehead wrinkled.  
“What, you don’t answer my calls anymore?” She asked, pushing past him and making her way into the apartment. Gerard rubbed at his eyes and shut the door behind her. “Nice shirt, by the way.”  
Gerard looked down at his shirt. It was one he got as a gag gift at Christmas last year. It had pictures of Nicholas Cage all over it; he only used it to sleep in. Though, he did find it kind of funny. He got home so late last night that he didn’t even turn on the light when pulling out a shirt to sleep in.  
“I was sleeping.” He declared.  
“Where’s Frank?”  
“What?” Gerard looked at her quizzically. Lindsey was peering into the kitchen, and then into the bathroom.  
“You mean he didn’t come home with you?” She seemed surprised, but smiled nonetheless. “I’m proud of you, Gee. Good thing, too. I think he would have run as soon as he saw that shirt.” She pecked him on the cheek and sat down on the couch, smiling up at him.  
“We just talked. I got home around 3:30” Gerard blushed, thinking about the kind-of date he had with Frank the night before.  
“Didn’t Frank say he had to be up really early? He must really like you.”  
Gerard didn’t respond, he just took a seat next to Lindsey’s left on the couch, still too tired to have any type of deep conversation about his love life.  
“Fuck, Gerard.” Lindsey barked when he sat down. She grabbed his left hand and pulled his arm towards her. He was in a t-shirt and his arm was on full display for her to realize.  
Gerard tried to pull his arm away from her, but she gripped his hand harder.  
“I thought we talked about this. You’re supposed to call me when you feel like you might need to hurt yourself. Any time, day or night. You’re going to get an infection if you’re not careful.” She ran her fingers over the cuts on Gerard’s arm gently. There were at least seven of them; four of them were at least a week or older, two of them were scabbed over and had been done within the past few days, and one was fresh. Lindsey could tell by the swollen area around the mark, and the bright red line that had not yet began to heal itself that it was done within the last 24 hours.  
“I know. It’s not really a big deal. I’m always careful about it.” Gerard looked away from Lindsey’s face, humiliated and still tired.  
“It is a big deal, Gerard!” Her voice was raised, but he could hear the compassion through her words.  
“I don’t want to talk about this right now, Lindsey. I had a good night last night and I’m barely awake, just drop it.” He was annoyed now, knowing that it was hard to get Lindsey to drop anything. Instead of trying to convince her, he just pulled his arm away and stood up from the couch. He made his way towards the kitchen, pulling fresh coffee grounds out of the cabinet and preparing the coffee maker. He flipped the switch to “on” and leaned back against the counter, slamming the canister down. Lindsey made her way into the kitchen a few minutes after him, allowing him to cool down.  
“Ok…so tell me about Frank.” She said finally, letting go of her uneasiness and dropping the matter.

When 5PM rolled around, Frank couldn’t get out the door any faster. He quickly said hello to Bob, his shift replacement, and lunged at the door, coat and bag under his arm.  
Jamia was outside waiting for him, just like she was this morning, sitting in her car with the radio blaring some techno shit.  
“Hey.” Frank said as he opened the door. “I didn’t expect you to be here when I finished, too.” He grabbed the dial to the volume “Turn this shit down.”  
“I wouldn’t leave you without a car, it’s too cold out. Speaking of, put your jacket on before you catch pneumonia.” She scolded him.  
“Thanks, mom.” Frank rolled his eyes and threw his coat around his shoulders and sat down in the passenger seat.  
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come to your show tonight?” She asked, pulling away from the curb.  
“Yes. I’m a big boy; I can take care of myself.” Frank was more awake than he was this morning, and he had no problem throwing sarcastic remarks back to Jamia.  
“Alrighty then.” She shrugged at him. “Any idea what you’re going to wear?”  
“Uh…the same thing I usually wear to a show? T-shirt? Jeans?”  
“But you’re not usually trying to impress hot guys at your shows, either.” Jamia laughed at his naivety.  
“That’s because there never are any hot guys at our shows.” He said in earnest. There were never any hot gay guys, anyway.  
“Whatever, Frank.” She winked over at him as she pulled up to his building.  
“You realize I could have just walked home, right? It’s like a mile…” He said, opening the door to the car to get out.  
“Too icy. Your luck, you’ll fall and break something and won’t get to go on your date with Gerard tonight.”  
“It’s not a date!” He professed, shutting the door to the car behind him. Jamia rolled down the window as he turned around.  
“Have fun! Make good choices!” She giggled and backed out of the parking spot.  
Frank laughed to himself as he walked up the steps to the building  
“What the hell am I going to wear…?” He thought out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I throw you a curveball in the chapter titles? Maybe? The connection is there, I promise ;)


	5. Give 'Em Hell, Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank prepares for his show, nervous of what Gerard's opinion might be. He hasn't been nervous for a show in years, and his bandmates can tell, something is up. Gerard struggles with being honest with Frank, and knows that if he want's a relationship with him, he's going to have to be.

Frank stood in the front of his closet, towel draped around his waist from his shower, staring at his options. Occasionally he would pull something out, only to look at it, and put it back. Why did Jamia have to make him conscious of what he was wearing? Had she not mentioned it, Frank would have never thought about it. Now that he was, he didn’t know what to put on.   
After 30 minutes of deliberating, he settled on tight black jeans, with leather on the pockets. They had a hole in the left knee from when he fell off the stage at a show about six months ago, but he felt it only added to the aesthetic. He grabbed a shirt from his dresser, one of his favorites. It was forest green and black striped, with holes throughout the hem. He decided on his regular black and white converse, figuring that unless he wanted to slip off the stage again, he should leave his boots home. He checked the time – 7:13PM and figured he should head out, knowing the band would need warm up time, and time to set up their equipment. He peeked in the bathroom to take a quick look at himself. He ran his fingers through his hair and shrugged at his reflection.   
“If he likes me, he likes me. It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing.” He said out loud, trying to calm his nerves. He packed his equipment in the back seat of his car and was on his way.

Gerard couldn’t stop pacing around the apartment. Lindsey had left hours ago, telling him to call her if he needed anything. He picked up his phone and opened the contacts – he held his finger over her name, but eventually decided against it. He constantly felt like a child that needed babysitting when he called her for help, and he had to grow up some time.  
He still had at least an hour before he needed to leave for Frank’s show, and time felt like it was dragging on at a snail’s pace. He was walking in circles, trying to calm himself down. He wasn’t nervous to see Frank; actually he couldn’t wait to see him. Frank seemed to still his anxieties without even trying. There was no real reason for Gerard to feel so panicked, but he was. This wasn’t unusual, nevertheless. Often times he would get a burst of adrenaline for seemingly no reason. His body would instantaneously go into fight or flight mode, and if Gerard didn’t get out of whatever situation he was in and fast, he would either pass out or throw up. Sometimes he did both, at the disgust of those around him.  
Gerard saw many therapists over the years, all of which had told him his feelings were all in his head. His answer to them was always the same - 

“No shit, Sherlock.”   
Gerard was a basket case, sure, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew his panic attacks started and ended in his own mind, but that didn’t make them any easier to deal with. He eventually just stopped seeking treatment and dealt with it on his own. Unfortunately, his means of dealing with it came in the form of razor blades.  
Lindsey’s disappointment this afternoon was too much for Gerard, and he was pulling his hair out trying to keep his word that he would call her if he felt like hurting himself. He kept going back and forth in his head. Call her, don’t call her. Ultimately, he made a decision, and it wasn’t one Lindsey would be happy with. He would just have to make sure she didn’t find out.

Frank was pacing in circles, himself. He was backstage of the Queen, about 15 minutes from show time. It had been a long time since Frank was nervous to go on stage. He was used to anything the crowd could throw at him by this point, both figuratively and literally. All he could think about was Gerard being somewhere in the crowd, watching his every move and it made him nauseas. What if he fucked up the words, or forgot how to play a song? Granted, he had been playing these songs for years, but it could happen. Frank knew his fears were irrational, but they were there, nonetheless.   
“What’s your problem, man?” James asked.  
“Just nervous, I guess.”   
“Since when do you get nervous? I haven’t seen you this amped up since our first show.” James spoke to Frank as he got himself ready to go on, tucking his shirt haphazardly in and fingering his hair. As he walked over to his bag he nearly tripped over his untied shoelaces. “Goddammit.” He muttered.  
Frank laughed at him, a little bit more at ease when watching James be the idiot that he is.  
“Here, drink this. You need it more than I do.” James handed Frank a half-full beer, which he promptly guzzled down his throat. Frank circled his head around his neck, from side to side, cracking the joints in his shoulders. He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes.   
“Two minute warning, guys!” The venue manager shouted from behind the door.  
Frank opened the door and headed for the stage.

“Give ‘em hell, kid” James whispered as they made their way out.  
Gerard arrived about 10 minutes before Pency Prep was set to go on, he had no interest in listening to whatever shitty band was opening for them. The place was packed wall to wall with people that had obviously been here for a while, drinking the night away. Gerard wasn’t surprised, he knew Frank’s band would be good, but he was amazed at how many people fit into the small venue for a local band.   
He made his way over to the bar and ordered a beer, mostly as something to hold in his hand and fidget with instead of his phone; he wanted to be focused when Frank came out. Gerard perched himself towards the front of the stage, against the far right wall and decided this was as good a time as any to make himself comfortable. He leaned up against the wall and pulled out his phone to text Lindsey.  
“Made it here fine, Frank is going on in 5. xoG”  
He had just enough time to get his phone in his pocket when the lights dimmed and the crowd began to cheer.  
As soon as Frank walked out on the stage and felt the familiar warmth of the spot lights, he felt some of his tension melt away. The crowd was cheering, mostly because they were drunk, but he liked to imagine they had fans.   
“Alright!” Frank yelled into the mic, nodding to James and the other band members. “This song is about sucking dick for cocaine!”  
Gerard almost choked on his beer when he heard Frank. Where was the shy kid from last night? He took notice of what he was wearing. Frank’s jeans were significantly tighter than the ones he was wearing when he met him and they looked remarkable on him. Frank jumped around the stage, getting into the moment and it looked as if he had been literally poured into his pants. It was at that moment that Gerard reconfirmed to himself that he was hopelessly, unquestionably gay.  
As they began to find their rhythm into the song, Gerard could only stare at the man up on stage. He had so much energy and life in him. How he could be so carefree in front of so many people? Gerard watched as Frank screamed the words to the song, and flung his guitar around his neck at chord breaks. It was incredible.  
Each song seemed to flow so seamlessly into one another that Gerard was caught completely off guard when the music quieted, Frank stopped screaming and said goodnight into the mic. He watched him high five the drummer and walk off the side of the stage, sweaty and laughing.

Gerard checked the time on his phone and was stunned to see that it was almost 10:15. Had he really been watching Frank for an hour? Gerard decided to walk back over to the bar and find a seat. He sat on one of the stools, that conveniently had an empty one next to it and took the liberty of ordering two beers, hoping that he would both find Frank, and that he liked beer. He flipped through his contacts and clicked on “Frankie”  
“Nice show dude, see I told you there was nothing to be nervous about.” James patted Frank on the back once they were backstage.   
“Thanks, man.” He said as he wiped his forehead with his shirt. He set his guitar down backstage and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was Gerard.  
“Awesome show, Frankie. I’m at the bar.”   
Frank smiled to himself and made his way through the hallway and into the crowd. It was hard to see over people due to his height, but he could make out the area the bar was in by the abundance of people crowded around it. He glanced from left to right and finally spotted Gerard sitting at the end of the bar. He could only see the back of him, but he could see his hair was messy in the back, and he was wearing a leather jacket instead of his cotton pea coat from the night before. He looked good. Frank took a deep breath and walked towards him.  
“You made it!” He said enthusiastically to Gerard.  
Gerard turned around, smiling at the shorter man.  
“I told you I wouldn’t miss it. Here, I got you a beer. You were incredible up there.” Gerard handed frank the bottle and patted the empty stool next to him, signaling for Frank to sit down.  
“Thank you!” Frank blushed and took the seat next to Gerard; he took a sip of his beer and cleared his throat. All that screaming made his voice hoarse and dry.  
“I don’t know how you do it, Frankie, I would never have the coordination to sing and play an instrument like you do.”   
“Well, to be honest I don’t actually sing. I mean, I can hold a tune, sure, but most of it is just screaming. That makes it easier, but it did take a good amount of practice.” Frank said, gazing up at Gerard.  
Gerard held his gaze for a few moments.  
“I’m glad you invited me tonight.” He didn’t mean to say it, but it was coming out like word vomit; all the thoughts he meant to keep in his head flowed out of his mouth when he was in Frank’s presence.   
“Me too.” Frank answered back. “Hey, let’s go somewhere quieter.”   
Before Gerard could answer, Frank held up two fingers at the bartender signaling two more beers. “Put them on my tab, please.” He said to him, grabbing the bottles and waving Gerard through the crowd.  
They made their way back towards the front of the venue, and down the hallway back stage.  
“Am I allowed back here?” Gerard chuckled as Frank led him towards a door.  
“Probably not.” He shrugged back.   
Frank opened a heavy steel door to the loading area, where all the bands drop off their equipment. Frank spotted the rest of his band near their van, smoking and talking.   
“Hey guys.” Frank said, waving to the band.  
“Hey man, what’s up?” James asked.  
“Not much, this is my friend Gee. Gee, this is James, he’s the drummer, Neil, the lead guitarist, and Tim, the bassist.”  
“Nice to meet you guys, you put on an awesome show.” Gerard said.  
“Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.” Tim said.  
“We’re going to head back inside, Frank, see you later.” James said, gesturing for the rest of the band to follow. James could see the look in Frank’s eyes when he walked out and saw the band, he was hoping they would be alone.  
“Alright, see you.” Frank answered, leaning up against their van and pulling his cigarettes out of his back pocket. He set the two beer’s down on the ground as he fumbled for his lighter.  
Once the rest of the band was through the steel door and back into the venue, Frank pulled out a cigarette and pursed it between his lips. Gerard shadowed his action and lit his own, taking a drag and watching the smoke billow from his mouth in the cool winter air.  
“Aren’t you cold?” Gerard questioned, noticing Frank hadn’t taken his coat outside with him and he was still in a thin t-shirt.  
“A little – I was still hot from performing when we walked out, but it is a little chilly.” Frank shrugged, taking a drag. He picked up his beer and took a drink, hoping it would warm him up a bit.  
“Here…” Gerard slipped his cigarette between his lips and held it there to free his hands. He pulled his arms out of the sleeves of his leather jacket and draped it around Frank.   
“Won’t you be cold?” Frank asked, trying to hide the giddiness on his face from Gerard’s gesture.  
“Nah, I always run hot.”   
Frank just smiled to himself and breathed in Gerard’s scent. His jacket smelled like cigarettes and coffee and some type of cologne Frank had never smelled before. It was inebriating.  
Gerard wasn’t cold, but as he looked down at his hands he realized he had only a t-shirt on, exposing his arms to anyone who glanced at them. He was suddenly extremely uncomfortable and it could show in his stance. He tensed his shoulders and stood up straight as the color drained from his face.  
Fuck, he couldn’t let Frank see the cuts on his arms. Frank would never want to be with him knowing how screwed up he was. He did the only thing he could do, which was the last thing he wanted to.  
“Frank, uh, I gotta go…” and he walked hurriedly towards the door to the inside.  
“What? Wait, Gee!” Frank raised his voice, walking to try and catch Gerard before he disappeared back into the venue.  
“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” He asked, approaching Gerard who had his back turned to Frank, but stopped walking away.  
Gerard turned around with a pained look on his face.  
“God, no, Frank…I want to stay, but…”  
“Stay. Please.” Frank said in a near whisper.   
Gerard just looked down at his feet and started to shake. He could feel the panic rise in his chest. Frank was looking straight through him and could tell something was wrong, but he didn’t know what he had done to make Gerard want to leave so quickly.  
Frank must have thought Gerard’s shaking was a result of the cold, when in reality his nerves were short circuiting inside him.  
“Let’s go back inside.” Frank said, taking Gerard’s hand in his own. He hoped he wasn’t intruding by taking his hand, but he didn’t want Gerard to leave, and if he let go he was afraid he would vanish.  
Gerard nodded and allowed Frank to lead him inside.  
Frank opened the heavy door and led Gerard back down the hallway, but instead of taking a right back into the crowd, they made a left, towards the back of the building. There were two sets of doors, one that said “employees only” and one that didn’t have a marking. Frank knocked on the blank door and when there was no answer, he opened it.  
Inside the room was a counter with a sink and coffee maker. There was a couch on the left side of the room with two end tables, and an old TV in the corner. There were empty beer bottles on every surface and overflowing ash trays on each end table.  
“This is where the bands hang out before shows, usually after setting up the equipment and waiting for our time to go on.” Frank said, leading Gerard towards the couch.  
“I really don’t think I’m allowed back here” Gerard laughed nervously.  
Frank shrugged “I’m part of the band and no one ever comes back here. The owner doesn’t care, I promise.” Frank tried to smile at Gerard, but he could still see that there was something wrong. He pulled Gerard down onto the couch slowly, still holding his hand. They sat facing each other, looking into one another’s eyes before Gerard looked away. He was anxious and scared. God, he was downright petrified. He didn’t realize it, but Frank was scared, too. Frank’s mind was swimming with the possibilities of what he had done wrong to make Gerard act so distant all of a sudden.  
“I’m so sorry, Gerard, I didn’t mean to…” frank trailed on.  
“What?” Gerard was confused; did Frank think this was his fault?  
“I just…I don’t know what I did…”  
“Frank…” Gerard said, sighing and looking down at his feet. He took Frank’s other hand in his, and scooted a little closer to him.  
“God, Frankie, it’s not you. It’s me…I just…I’m so fucking scared that you’ll see who I really am and won’t want to hang out anymore. I’m so afraid that you will realize you don’t like me. Hell, I don’t even really know if you like me now…I just kind of hoped you did and I just started to get so nervous and…” Gerard was interrupted when Frank pulled his hands away from Gerard’s. As quickly as he took them away, they were planted around Gerard’s neck and he pulled him close. Before Gerard could get another word out, Frank’s mouth was on his.   
Frank kissed Gerard gently, trying to show him exactly how he felt. He tried to convey his emotions through his lips. He held Gerard’s head firmly, rubbing his thumb over his cheek. Gerard was surprised when Frank kissed him, but quickly melted into it, letting his apprehensions fall away. When Frank finally stopped, he remained close, holding Gerard’s head firmly still, and softly stroking his hair.  
“Gee, I really, really like you. It scares me, too, but…I want to get to know you. I want to know everything about you.” Frank exhaled and prepared himself for the word vomit that was to follow. “I’m fucking captivated by you and honestly, I don’t think there is anything you could tell me that would make me want to stop seeing you. I’ve been thinking about you nonstop since last night. God, I freaking agonized over what I was going to wear tonight. I feel like a teenager. I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time and it’s goddamn terrifying. I’m falling for you so fast. Please, please don’t run away like that.”  
Gerard just stared into Frank’s eyes. He was able to say exactly what Gerard needed to hear, but there was something he needed to know before he let himself fall for Frank. Frank was honest with him, and he needed to be honest in return.  
“Frankie I…fuck.” His forehead was still pressed to Franks, but he was staring at his feet. He could feel the tears starting to well up in his eyes.   
“I really like you too. It alarms me how much I like you already, but before I let you get close to me, I need to show you something…”  
Gerard hesitated, but pulled away and took Frank’s hand in his. He adjusted his arm so that the underside was showing and he placed Frank’s hand on the cuts.  
It took Frank a minute to understand what he was doing, but once he did understand he was shocked by how much it affected him. He had barely known Gerard for two days, but he felt a pain in his chest when he saw the marks that littered Gerard’s forearm. He knew he had done it to himself; that was evident. But what Frank couldn’t make sense of, was why?  
“Gee…” Frank whispered, trailing his fingers gently over the marks.  
“I can’t hide it from you, Frankie. I don’t want to. I want to let myself get close to you, and I can’t do that if I’m keeping this a secret. If you don’t want anything to do with me I’ll understand I just wanted to give you the chance to decide for yourself.” Gerard answered more confidently then he thought he could, but when he was finished he let out a small sob. He was trying to hide his emotions, but he had only ever shown his wounds to Lindsey. He was letting Frank in to a very personal and painful part of his life, and he hoped to God he wouldn’t regret it.


	6. Surrender The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard and Frank spend the night together for the first time, learning about one another and their sexual desires.

Frank traced the lines carefully, cautious not to hurt Gerard. It was obvious that some of the slices were recent, and he was sure they had to be painful. Frank wanted to say something, but he was at a loss for words. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, both trying to interpret what was happening.   
Frank took Gerard’s arm and held it with both of his hands; he lowered his head to his forearm and gently kissed the damaged area. He heard Gerard hiss when he touched them, but he didn’t pull away. Gerard couldn’t hold back the sobs anymore as Frank so softly tried kiss his wounds away. When Frank finally looked back up at Gerard, he saw that his eyes were red and welled with tears as well. Gerard tried to look away, not wanting to face how he had hurt Frank.  
“Look at me, Gee…” Frank’s tone was serious, but sincere.  
Gerard wiped at his eyes with his free hand, and returned his gaze to Franks.  
“It’s OK, Gerard. It’s fucking OK. Come here.” Frank pulled Gerard into a tight, squeezing hug.  
“We’re going to get through this, together. I’m not going anywhere, Gee.” Frank said into Gerard’s ear as he held him. “I promise.”  
Lindsey had said the same words to him so many times before, but when Frank said them something just felt different. Gerard truly felt like it was something he could accomplish, and when he looked at Frank he felt like he could take on the world.  
Gerard loosened slightly, allowing himself to sit back comfortably on the couch, Frank still wrapped around him tightly. He lifted his hand and lightly brushed the hair out of Franks face, looking into his eyes. They were glassy, and the pupils dilated. Frank’s gaze didn’t falter, and he didn’t look away from Gerard. Gerard took Franks face in his hands and pulled him in. He kissed him hard, palming at the back of his head, never wanting to let go.   
It wasn’t long before Frank lifted himself slightly above Gerard, his hips placed gently on Gerard’s lap. They kissed fervently and with need. Frank ran his fingers down Gerard’s spine, making him shudder at the touch. Gerard’s hands were still laced in Frank’s hair, pulling on it lightly, teasing him. 

Frank parted his lips from Gerard’s and shifted his mouth towards Gerard’s chin. He bit down gently on the skin between his neck and jaw bone, earning a wanton whine from the older man. He trailed kisses down his neck, towards the collar of his shirt. He bit at the soft skin on Gerard’s neck, leaving red bruises that would prove to show who Gerard belonged to.   
“Wait, Frankie…” Gerard panted out.  
Frank stopped immediately and withdrew his mouth from Gerard’s skin.  
“Did you drive here?” Gerard asked  
Frank didn’t need to answer, knowing what Gerard had in mind. He quickly stood up, off of Gerard’s lap and grabbed his hand, heaving him up off the couch. Gerard leaned down to press one last kiss to Frank’s lips before Frank pulled him out the door, and into the crowd.  
The two never let their hands separate as they barreled through the crowd of drunken fans. There was another band on stage, but Gerard couldn’t hear the music. The only sound he could make out was that of his own heartbeat, pounding in his ears. When they finally reached the entrance, Frank threw open the door and pulled Gerard through the threshold. He fumbled for his keys in his pocket, never letting go of Gerard’s hand. They made their way to Frank’s black sedan, and although they couldn’t get in fast enough, Frank still took the time to open the passenger door for Gerard.   
Once they were in the car, Frank lent over to Gerard, pressing another rough kiss to his lips. He started the car and before even allowing it to warm up, he shifted into drive and sped through the parking lot.   
The men hardly made it through the door of Frank’s apartment before they were on each other again. Frank had Gerard pushed up against the door, his hands pinned to his sides. He moved down Gerard’s neck, nipping at the skin rougher than before.   
“Fuck, Frankie.” Gerard could barely contain himself. He pushed Frank away and reversed their position. He pinned Frank to the wall next to the door, his hands gripping Frank’s hips. Their kisses became irregular and sloppy as they both lost control of themselves.   
“Bedroom. Now.” Frank mewled in Gerard’s ear through labored breaths.   
They tried to hold their bodies together, Frank walking backwards with Gerard’s hands firmly guiding him, desperately making their way down the hallway, into the bedroom and tripping over each other in the process. By the time they entered the room, Gerard pushed Frank down on the bed and wasted no time climbing on top of him. His hands moved up under Frank’s shirt, pushing it over his head. Gerard gasped when he saw Frank’s beautifully painted torso. His tattoos were fucking stunning and he wanted to taste every one of them.   
“God, you’re so fucking beautiful, Frankie.” Gerard moaned and began to lick at the scorpion tattoo on Frank’s neck.   
Gerard made his way down Frank’s bare torso, kissing and licking the painted skin until he was met with the thick fabric of Frank’s jeans. Frank tangled his fingers in his lover’s hair, grasping for any leverage he could fathom while trying not to buck his hips up at Gerard’s touch. Gerard hooked his fingers in the belt loops of Frank’s pants and looked up at him, pupils blown and lips red and swollen. Frank nodded in approval, signaling it was ok for Gerard to remove them. Gerard began to nervously fumble with the button on Frank’s jeans, his hands humid with anticipation and perspiring from holding onto Frank’s warm skin. Frank lifted his hips as to allow Gerard to slide his tight pants past his hips, down his thighs, over his knees and finally past his ankles and on the floor. Frank’s shoes hand long been removed; when they were lost, he couldn’t recall. Frank shot up, sitting at the edge of the bed in front of Gerard, nearly naked in only his boxers. Frank reciprocated the gesture, greedily and angrily ripping at Gerard’s pants, not bothering to unbutton or unzip them. They were torn down to his feet in seconds. Frank wasted no time, pressing his lips to the bulge in Gerard’s boxers, misting hot breath on the area. Gerard instinctively pressed into Frank’s movement, silently begging for more. Frank tugged at the hem of Gerard’s boxers, his heart beating in his throat.  
“Ok?” He asked, waiting for permission to expose Gerard to him. Frank wanted to see every part of him, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. He wanted the good, and the bad. He wanted to know everything about Gerard. How to turn him on, how to make him happy, how to love him. He couldn’t imagine a better way to start.  
“God, yes. Yes.” Gerard replied, surprised he could form words while Frank’s mouth was pressed against his cock, albeit separated by a thin piece of cotton.   
Frank took his time pulling Gerard’s underwear down, relishing in the moment that was the first time he would see his partner naked. It seemed like it took minutes, when in reality it took merely seconds to render Gerard bare. Gerard rarely let anyone see him this unprotected, even when he had a one night stand, he wasn’t always completely nude, and there was typically minimal to no light in the room. Gerard could cover his body in darkness, keeping some of his fragility hidden. But Frank and Gerard were surrounded by a halo of lamplight that had been long forgotten. The men could see every expression that decorated each other’s face, every line and wrinkle in the other’s body, every goose bump that presented on their skin. They were both scared, nervous and hungry to see each other so very vulnerable, but they were more than ready. They wanted to see each other open and unexposed, and be seen in return.   
Frank pawed at Gerard’s hips, pulling him closer and gently pressing the tip of his cock to his waiting lips. Gerard groaned in anticipation, his hands rubbing circles in Frank’s shoulders. Frank took him in slowly, tasting him, savoring him. The taste was distinctly Gerard, sweet and smoky, salty and perfect. Frank was a desert and Gerard was a river. Frank was choking, and Gerard was the oxygen that saved him. Frank knew from that moment that he never wanted anyone else on his tongue.   
Frank swallowed around him, swirling his tongue on the slit. He could feel Gerard’s body shaking slightly, tying to hold back from bucking and fucking into Frank’s mouth. Frank kept his grip tight on Gerard’s pale hips, keeping him in place. Frank was going to make Gerard squirm; he wanted to make him whine and scream for him to fuck him. Frank had certainly never been submissive, not in life and not in bed, but he had also never indulged in being dominant. Gerard was driving him crazy this way, and he had an incredible urge to take him, and take him rough. He wanted to ravage his body and make him weak. He wanted to fuck him until he couldn’t take it anymore. Frank’s movements were becoming more and more erratic. He pushed his face down into Gerard and felt his throat open with the entry of Gerard’s cock.   
Frank considered how Gerard would want to be fucked, if he wanted it soft and gentle or if he would allow Frank to fuck him into submission. By the timid movements Gerard was making, from stoking Frank’s hair, to moving his hips so slightly, Frank was beginning to get an idea. He pulled off of Gerard’s erection slowly, allowing the spit accumulated in his mouth string and keep him connected to Gerard. Gerard groaned at the sight. He stood up and pulled Gerard into a tight embrace. He kissed him hard, biting at his bottom lip, teeth clacking together with hunger. Gerard mumbled into Frank’s mouth. Just barely could Frank make out the phrase, but he did.  
“Love tasting myself on you, Frankie.” He whispered between breaths. Gerard kissed him back timidly, allowing Frank to take the lead. He could taste the precum on Frank’s lips and he loved it. Gerard could feel Frank losing control, his heart beating erratically, all the blood in his system plummeting to his cock.   
Gerard had always allowed his partners to take control in the bedroom, in all honesty he just didn’t know how to be dominant. Gerard had been making the tough decisions his entire life and he basked in the moments when he was able to be completely free of responsibility. Gerard had slept with some men who were terrible fucks, some who were ok, but never any that were remarkable. They never seemed to allow Gerard to lose himself in the sensations. That was all he wanted, even if he didn’t know it until this moment. That was what he was missing, the ability to free himself in submission. He wanted Frank to fuck him until he couldn’t breathe. He wanted Frank to make him his, and show him his feelings through the way he pounded him.   
“Fuck me.” Was all Gerard could muster, but the doe eyed look he had painted on his face was all Frank needed to confirm that Gerard wanted to be taken as much as Frank wanted to take him.   
In seconds, Frank had Gerard on his back, lying on the bed, breathing hard. Frank pulled his boxers down and discarded of them somewhere in the sea of clothes they had removed prior. He climbed on top of Gerard, confidently, straddling his hips and gazing down at the beautiful sight below him. Gerard was fucking gorgeous. The way the light hit his face and how his hair fell around him, dark and matted with sweat. The way his chest rose and fell with every shallow breath laden with anticipation. Frank grabbed Gerard’s wrists and pinned them above his head, earning a wanton whine from the older man. Frank felt Gerard’s cock tremble underneath him when he restrained him, he smirked at the thought that Gerard so willingly wanted Frank to control him.   
“Tell me what you want, baby.” Frank cooed into his ear.  
“Want you to fuck me, Frankie. Please.” Gerard could hardly speak.   
“How bad?” Frank was just teasing him at this point, using every little bit of strength he had to hold himself back. He wanted Gerard to say it. He needed to hear him say it.  
“So fucking bad. Pound me, Frankie. Fuck me so hard I can’t walk tomorrow without thinking about you.” Gerard’s words went straight through Frank’s head and directly into his cock.   
Frank wasted no more time, swiftly getting off of Gerard and opening his bedside table drawer. He fumbled for lube and for condoms. It had been a while since Frank had sex, longer than he would like to admit, and he had to dig for the items he needed. Once he found them, he crawled back towards Gerard’s waiting body.   
As soon as he was back in between Gerard’s legs, he planted a rough, open mouthed kiss to Gerard’s wet lips. He lifted two fingers to Gerard’s mouth after he pulled his away.   
“Suck.” He demanded through gritted teeth, his voice rough and raspy.   
Gerard obliged quickly, swirling his tongue around Frank’s tattooed fingers. Frank couldn’t help but imagine the way his mouth would feel around his cock. But that would have to wait; Frank needed to be inside Gerard tonight. He needed to fuck him. Frank would explore all of his and Gerard’s fantasies later. Right now, they both needed to show each other their openness to each other, and prove to one another that they would indulge every one of their desires in the future.   
Frank pulled his fingers from Gerard’s mouth and moved them promptly underneath him. He gently pushed one finger in, earning a whimper from Gerard. He pressed into him slowly, feeling his tight heat envelope his finger. He felt Gerard relax around him, allowing his digit to move quicker. He went to press in another, but Gerard stopped him.  
“Frankie, don’t. I’m good. I want to feel you. I need to feel you stretch me open.”   
“Are you sure? I’m in no rush, baby. Want to make this perfect.” Frank answered with a smirk. As much as he wanted to fuck Gerard into oblivion, he didn’t want to hurt him. He was a diamond that needed to be protected and he would do anything to keep him safe.   
Gerard nodded in response and licked his lips. He was ready, he was willing. He needed this.  
Frank pulled his finger out of his partner, and rolled the condom on himself. He slicked himself up with lube within seconds, and gently pressed himself to Gerard’s entrance, Gerard’s legs wrapped tightly around his waist.  
“You ready, baby?” He tutted to Gerard.   
“Yes, Frankie. Fuck me.”   
He pushed the head of his cock into Gerard’s tight entrance, slowly savoring the heat. He pushed deeper, deeper until he couldn’t go in any farther. Gerard whined and shifted his hips, trying to get every inch of Frank’s cock into him. Frank began to move, gently, until Gerard was used to the intrusion. He soon felt the muscles around him relax, allowing him to thrust faster and deeper. Gerard moaned deep in his throat, begging for Frank to move.  
“So fucking tight, Gee.” Frank breathed into his neck. Frank grabbed at Gerard’s hands below him, returning to the position they were in not much earlier. He pinned Gerard’s hands above his head, and started to thrust his hips in rhythm with his breaths.   
Gerard was whimpering underneath him, groans getting louder and louder.  
“Yes, fuck, yes. Harder, baby. Fuck me.” He was babbling, incoherently yelling. Begging Frank to pound him into unconsciousness.   
Frank complied, thrusting harder and harder, hearing the sweet sound of skin smacking skin. He released Gerard’s hands, sitting up straight and taking Gerard’s ankles in his hands. He gripped them tight, pulling Gerard’s ass as close to his plunging hips as possible. His abdomen was searing in pain, his body pleading with him to slow down. His figure couldn’t keep up with the way his mind needed to fuck Gerard, but he ignored it. He was lost in his own head, swimming in the sound of Gerard’s moans.   
He released one of Gerard’s ankles, gazing at him to let him know he was not to move it, he was still in control here. He grasped Gerard’s cock in his hand, pumping him firmly in time with the thrusts of his hips.  
“Fuck!” Gerard screamed. Frank was thrashing into his prostate, making Gerard tremble with every hit. It was bliss for both men, seeing stars and feeling each other come apart.   
“Gonna cum, baby. Fuck. So tight.” Frank muttered, and that sent Gerard over the edge. He was cumming into Frank’s fist, trembling and whimpering under his touch. He was clenching around Frank, seeing white and screaming his name. It was only seconds later that Frank was cumming inside Gerard. He groaned, low in his throat, raspy and sexed out. He fell forward on top of his partner, sweating and breathing erratically.   
Frank slowly pulled out of Gerard and disposed of the condom in the trash can on the floor.   
“Be right back, baby.” He said to Gerard and left a kiss upon his cheek. He returned with a warm, wet wash cloth and gently wiped at Gerard’s stomach, cleaning up the cum he had spilled there. Gerard was still breathing shallowly, his eyes half open and glimmering in the afterglow. He wanted to thank Frank, but he had no voice. He couldn’t speak, he was in heaven.  
Frank threw the wash cloth on the ground; he would deal with it tomorrow. He pulled the blankets up around himself and around Gerard, whose breathing was slowing down, coming back to reality.  
“That was incredible, Frankie.” He said into the crook of Frank’s neck, cuddling into his waiting arms. Frank placed a kiss on Gerard’s forehead, still sweaty from the activity.   
“Yeah, baby, you are.” Frank said in a whisper, but Gerard heard him and his heart fluttered with love. He was falling in love. He was falling in love with Frank and he couldn’t wait to fall hard.


	7. Hypnotic Spells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard reveals a painful detail about his past to Frank.

Gerard woke up slowly, coming into consciousness about 10 minutes before he actually opened his eyes. Frank was the first thing that festered into his head when he awoke. He tried to remember everything they had done the night before in detail, basking in the warmth of his fluttery chest. Gerard didn’t feel Frank’s arms around him, and he was instantly afraid that he had dreamt up the encounter. When he finally did open his eyes, the first thing he noticed was that Frank was not in bed with him, and he could feel panic wash over him. As he looked hard, however, he realized he was not in his own bed. In fact, he was not in his room at all. Was this Frank’s room? It had to be. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. Gerard shot out of bed to look for his lover, stopping at the door to slip on a pair of boxers. He didn’t look to see if they were his or Frank’s, he was too eager to find him.   
“Frankie?” Gerard called timidly from the hallway. He could vaguely remember how the apartment was set up from the short time he spent outside of the bedroom last night, but he wasn’t sure, and he didn’t want to startle Frank by loitering around his home.  
“In here, Gee.” He heard Frank call from somewhere to his left.   
He turned left and found himself in the living room, the open kitchen facing him. He saw Frank standing with his back towards him, in front of the stove. Frank was shirtless, in only his boxers as well. Gerard could smell fresh coffee, and what smelled like bacon coming from the room. He made his way towards Frank, nervous to see him in the daylight again. It had all happened so fast, they had just met. They had just become acquaintances, friends if you are grasping at straws. Gerard didn’t regret a second of it, he never even allowed himself to consider it. Should Frank get down on one knee right now and ask Gerard to marry him, he likely wouldn’t think twice before saying yes. Frank had this effect on him that made him crazy, reckless, giddy. He was hypnotic.  
Gerard was terrified that maybe Frank had changed his mind. Maybe Gerard had pushed him, maybe Frank made a mistake. What if he asked him to leave? What if he never wanted to see him again? Gerard felt all of the blood drain from his face as he took timid steps into the kitchen. The tile floor was cold under his feet, helping to ground him and bring him back into reality.   
Frank turned around and smiled at Gerard, face flushed.   
“Good morning, sunshine. Or should I say afternoon.” He said softly, making his way towards Gerard. He gestured towards the clock hanging on the wall.  
“It’s after noon? I haven’t slept that long in…god, months. I’m sorry.” Gerard answered.  
“Don’t be. You needed your rest.” Frank winked and kissed Gerard on the lips, lightly. Gerard’s tension started to melt away and he could feel himself smiling back at Frank.  
“I’m making you some breakfast.” Frank said, turning back to the stove with a smirk. “Smell good? “  
“Yeah, really good. Smells like bacon.” Gerard stood behind Frank, wrapping his arms around his waist. Frank leaned in to the touch.   
“It should. It’s not real bacon, its vegan, but I promise it tastes just as good. I made pancakes, too. I hope you like it, you seemed open to trying it. I thought about going out to the store and getting the real stuff for you, but I didn’t want you to wake up and think I had left.” Frank leaned his head back on Gerard’s shoulder, flipping a pancake in the process.   
“You don’t have to do that for me. It smells great, I’m sure I’ll love it.” Gerard said. He was being honest, Frank could serve him dog food and he would eat it and thank him for it when he was done.   
Frank turned the burner off and placed the last pancake on a plate, piled high with them. He grabbed two cups of coffee and placed them on the coffee table in the living room. He grabbed two plates and handed them to Gerard.   
“Go sit down, baby. I’ll be over in a minute.” Frank said, placing a kiss on Gerard’s cheek.   
Gerard giggled and made his way towards the living room. He sat down on Franks couch and took a moment to really look around the room. He had been in Frank’s apartment for about 12 hours and yet he had spent all his time in the bedroom (not that he was complaining). Now that he was getting a chance to see a peak into Frank, he wanted to see everything. His apartment was nice, fairly clean and well decorated. He had posters on the walls, neatly framed. He had two large bookshelves bordering the TV. Both bookshelves were completely full, one with books and the other with various movies. He could make out a few of the titles of movies, Shaun of the Dead, Inception, Psycho. All movies Gerard loved. He was reassured somewhat that maybe Frank wouldn’t think this a mistake. Maybe Frank saw their commonalities, too. Maybe Frank actually wanted him the way Gerard wanted Frank.  
Frank walked over to the coffee table, sitting close to Gerard on the couch. He placed a pancake on Gerard’s plate, and one on his.   
“There’s plenty if you want more, but if you don’t like it just let me know. I can make you whatever you want.” Frank said, smiling to Gerard.  
Gerard spread some non-dairy butter on his pancake, and picked up a piece of fake bacon, wasting no time in shoving it in his mouth. He was starving, he realized, once food was placed in front of him. He took a bite of his pancake and, really, tasted no difference. The bacon was slightly less salty, but no less good.  
“This is all vegan, Frankie?” Gerard really was in disbelief.   
“Yup.” Frank said with a smile. “You like it?”  
“It’s great. I can’t make out a difference.”   
Gerard and Frank ate in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying each other’s company. Gerard was feeling at ease, even with the uncertainty of their relationship. He felt Frank shift closer to him, and he laid his head on Gerard’s shoulder.   
“So, Gee. I want to talk about…last night.” Frank said. Gerard could tell he was nervous, and it made him nervous, too. This was it. This was where Frank tells him to get lost and that he was just a casual fuck. Frank didn’t want him. Frank didn’t like him.  
“Ok…” He muttered out. He could feel his breakfast coming back up his esophagus and he was suddenly not very hungry.  
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but…god, Gee. I’ve never felt like this before.” He said. He looked straight into Gerard’s eyes, staring into his soul. Gerard tried to read his expression and found himself start to shake.  
“I…I’m sorry.” Gerard said under his breath.  
“Sorry? For what, baby?” Frank cooed. He didn’t mean to scare Gerard. Fuck, he was screwing this all up. He was falling so fast for him and he had to tell him. He didn’t like spontaneous sex with “friends”. He didn’t want anymore “friends”. Frank wanted love, he wanted Gerard.  
“I…don’t know. I’m sorry if I came on too strong. I just really, really like you. I can go.” Gerard said, feeling his eyes start to water.  
“No, baby, no. I just…I’m scared. I’ve never liked someone this much before. I wanted to tell you how I felt; I wanted to tell you that…I want you to stay with me. I don’t want this to end. Please don’t let this be over.”  
Frank knew Gerard had misunderstood him, and he needed to open the flood gates to bring him back. Gerard seemed so fragile, so delicate. He wanted to protect and coddle him. He wanted to keep him in his arms forever.   
Gerard was surprised by Frank’s admission. He hadn’t been expecting it, he was positive Frank was rejecting him. He didn’t know how to respond, so he just kissed him. He kissed him soft, and then a little harder. Gerard was never good with words, he never really could put his feelings into sentences, and when he could he could hardly muster them out with any confidence. He was happy he could convey his thoughts with kisses this time.  
Frank smiled around Gerard’s lips, pulling him into a hug. When they pulled away, Frank brushed Gerard’s hair from his face, looking at his glassy hazel eyes. He was beautiful, hair matted and face sleepy. He was purely Gerard, innocent Gerard.   
“So…what does that make us?” Gerard inquired.  
Frank considered this for a moment, he knew what he wanted, and he was pretty sure he knew what Gerard wanted. He just needed to confirm his suspicion.  
“Boyfriends?” He asked quietly, unsure if he was moving too fast.  
“Yes.” Gerard barely got out before planting his lips roughly back on Frank’s. They were boyfriends. Frank was his boyfriend. Fuck, he was under his spell and he never wanted to not be, ever again.  
They stayed like that for a few hours, just cuddling on the couch, kissing and talking. They watched some bad TV and nodded off more than once. They stayed half dressed, a blanket covering them, Gerard’s head on Frank’s chest, sideways across the couch. They talked about movies and music, food and their family. They talked about what they like in a partner, and about past relationships.   
This was the part Gerard was dreading, both needing to tell Frank about his past and to admit that he had kind of slept around. He was beginning to feel comfortable with Frank, but it was still hard. He heard Frank talking, but was thinking about what he was going to say next.  
“…god he was such an asshole. Jamia was so happy when I dumped him. What about you? Worst boyfriend?” Frank giggled slightly, reminiscing about a simple relationship. Gerard’s worst relationship was anything but simple. It was why he left Jersey. It was why Gerard started cutting himself again for the first time in 6 years. It was why Gerard was afraid to get close to anyone. Until Frank, that is.  
“Uh…well…” He stuttered. Frank sat up and looked at him, taking on a more serious stance. “It’s a little more complicated than yours.” He laughed nervously.  
“You can tell me, Gee. What happened?” Frank murmured, caressing Gerard’s cheek and rubbing circles in his skin.  
“I was 19 when I met him. I fell really hard for him. His name was Bert. He was so sweet at first. Always taking me places, telling me I was beautiful. He was gentle and kind in the beginning. We dated for about two months before he asked me to move in with him.” Gerard continued.  
“Wow, that’s fast.” Frank rebutted.  
“I know. I was young. I said yes, and moved in the next week. It was fine when I first moved in, but then Bert started getting angry. He would argue with me about little things; where I was, if I was late coming home from work, who I was with. He would make me feel stupid sometimes, yelling at me for trivial things, like a dish in the sink. I remember the first time he called me worthless, it was about three weeks after I moved in. I had forgotten to take the trash out the night before and he had to do it on his way out the door in the morning.” Gerard closed his eyes, remembering the feeling of Bert’s touch, his pull and his punch, the way he was screaming at him.  
“When he got home, he pulled me up off the couch by my hair. He had never touched me like that before, he had never been violent. I was scared, but I fought back. I pushed him off, it was an automatic reaction. He grabbed me by my neck and pushed me up against the wall. He told me I was worthless and that no one but him would ever want me. He told me if I ever pushed him off of me like that again he would kill me.” Gerard could feel his eyes welling with tears at this point. Christ, Frank must think he’s an idiot.  
“It’s ok baby, you don’t have to talk about it. That’s horrible. I’m so, so sorry.” Frank hugged Gerard gently, reassuring him.  
“No, I want to tell you. I have to.” He answered, determined to get it out in the open quickly before he changed his mind. “It got worse from there. He would come home, find a reason to be angry and take it out on me. Sometimes he would hit me, sometimes he would just scream. I always preferred when he hit me, I could zone out, pretend I was somewhere else. But I could never ignore his words. He told me I was a dirty faggot and no one would love me like he did. I was stupid, and I believed him.” Gerard sighed. “I let him control me for two years, Frankie. Until I ran. I just fucking ran. I packed all my shit and left. I came here, to New York and I haven’t seen him since.”   
Gerard felt like he was out of breath by the time he finished his anecdote. He felt strangely relieved, though, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He just hoped he wasn’t placing that weight on Frank.  
“Baby…” was all Frank could say. He held him tight, stroking his hair and shushing him until he felt Gerard stop shaking. “I would never hurt you like that. Never.” He said.   
“I know, Frankie. I can tell.” Gerard could tell.   
Yes, he had made this mistake before. He never thought Bert would hurt him, but looking back into the past, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Bert got drunk often. Bert started fights at bars. Bert was just an all-around asshole. Gerard should have seen it coming, but he didn’t. He was willingly blind. Gerard’s friends saw it coming; they implored him not to move in with Bert, and begged him to dump him for a year before they eventually all gave up on him.   
“I hadn’t cut myself in 6 years, Frankie. Not since I was a stupid teenager, and he made me do it again. And I’ve never been able to stop. I fucking can’t stop, Frank.” Gerard was sobbing into his arms now, scared.  
“It’s OK, Gee.” Was all Frank could say. He didn’t know how to console him, so he just held him.   
“Five fucking years I’ve been away from him, and I still can’t stop. I still hear him telling me I’m worthless and trash. I still hear his voice in my head.” Gerard cried.  
“You’re perfect, Gee. I promise you that. He was wrong. So fucking wrong.” Frank was nearly crying himself. It was painful to see Gerard this way, so scared and honest.   
They held each other in the dark, it was just after dusk and the only light in the room was the light from the muted television. Eventually Gerard’s sobs stopped and he calmed down, relaxing into Frank’s arms. They stayed like that until almost 8PM, when Gerard sighed and looked at his phone. Two missed calls from his mother, five texts from Lindsey and a sign that it was getting late.  
He looked up at Frank, silently telling him that it was time for him to go. He didn’t want to say the words, he wanted to stay with Frank forever on the couch.  
Frank nodded. He knew. The men made their way into Frank’s bedroom, picking through the discarded clothes from the night before. Gerard dressed haphazardly, taking his time, hoping he would find a way to stay. He couldn’t, he had work in the morning, but it was a nice thought.  
Frank insisted on driving him home, he wouldn’t let Gerard call a cab this time (he also wanted to know where he lived, but he kept that to himself). They shuffled into the car, tired and disappointed that their lazy day together was ending. Gerard guided Frank to his house, pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t very far (within walking distance for Gerard. If it was cooler than 65 degrees, at least.)  
Frank pulled into the small parking lot in front of Gerard’s building. He wanted to invite him up, Frank wanted to say yes, but they had to be alone some time. They couldn’t spend every waking moment together, they needed to slow down, and they both knew it. With a soft kiss on his lips, Gerard opened the passenger door and exited the car. He waved to Frank, a small smile on his lips. He made his way into the building, the heat enveloping him upon entry. It felt like fire on his skin, like he was burning alive. It was a good feeling. It was the spell Frank had him under, it made him feel like he was in flames. It was invigorating and all consuming.   
Gerard unlocked his apartment door and slowly walked inside, feeling more alone than he had in a long time. But, he also felt more cherished, more valuable. And he could handle missing Frank if love was what he received when he was with him. It was worth every burn.


	8. Remedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard visits Mikey where they get into a disagreement. Frank comes to pick up the pieces and reveals a secret about himself that may help Gerard mend is broken past.

“Hey Mikes.” Gerard said, cheerfully.  
It was a Thursday, rainy and cold. Gerard walked to Mikey’s after work; it had been since last Friday at the bar where he met Frank that he had last seen him. Gerard and Mikey were close, not talk every day close, but every time they saw each other they always picked up where the left off. After Gerard left for New York, Mikey was lost without him. He was finishing his senior year in high school and he had never been without his brother’s guidance, as flawed as it may be. Once he graduated, he found a community college in the city and moved in with Gerard. He would never tell Gerard that it was because he missed him, he liked to let him think it was because of this specific school he wanted to attend. Gerard knew, though. He missed Mikey, too.  
“Hey man. Haven’t seen you for a few days.” Mikey answered, opening the door to his apartment to allow Gerard inside.  
“Yeah, been busy.” Gerard giggled, blushing.  
“Apparently so.” Mikey said with a chuckle. Mikey had always been supportive of Gerard and his indiscretions. Even through Bert, Mikey stayed by his side. Mikey supported him, and never made Gerard feel bad or guilty for his choice of partners. At his worst, Mikey would act indifferent. Nothing ever seemed to get under Mikey’s skin, nothing ever bothered him. Sometimes it was incredibly frustrating for Gerard, but he loved him just the same.  
“How’s Alicia?” Gerard questioned. Mikey had been seeing Alicia for about 6 months. They met at work and started dating not long after. Gerard liked Alicia, she was sweet and caring. She was funny. She brought out the best in Mikey. If Mikey screwed this up, Gerard might literally kill him.   
“She’s good. Traveling right now. She’ll be back on Saturday.” Mikey seemed so nonchalant about being without Alicia. They didn’t live together, but they spent most of their free time with one another. Yet, Mikey was perfectly content being alone. For being the younger brother, Gerard was certainly envious of Mikey’s maturity.  
“So, I heard you hit it off with Frank pretty quickly.” Mikey said, sitting down at the kitchen table. Gerard joined him.  
“From who?”   
“Uh, Lindsey, duh.” Mikey snickered  
“Of course.” Gerard rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I really like him. I think we’re like a “thing” now.”   
“You? A boyfriend?” Mikey seemed surprised, like Gerard couldn’t get a date or something more than a fuck.  
“Hey, I take offense to that.” Gerard joked. “But, yeah, I mean I really like him, and he likes me and we talked about it and we want to try this.”  
“You sleep with him yet?” Mikey always did know how to get to the point. No tact.  
“Mikey!” Gerard gasped, sounding a little more effeminate than he meant to.  
“So that’s a yes.” Mikey said, firmly.  
“Oh my god.” Was all Gerard could say through gritted teeth, face red.  
“Moving on…” Mikey said. “Tell me about him. How old is he, anyway? He looks like 18. Please tell me he’s older than 18.” He rambled on.  
“Yes, Mikes, he’s 24.” Gerard rolled his eyes, again. “Why would I date an 18 year old?”  
“Why would you date a lot of the guys you have.” Mikey said, eyebrow cocked on one side. Gerard knew what he was alluding to. He better not bring him up.  
“Let’s not talk about that right now, Mikey.”  
“Look, I just want you to be happy, Gee. You deserve to be treated right. I’m protective, what can I say.” Mikey said standing up from the table and walking towards the fridge.   
“I know. “ Gerard sighed. He was supposed to be protective of his little brother, not the other way around. Sometimes he felt like a real failure.   
Mikey grabbed two beers from the fridge, cracking them open and handing one to Gerard. Gerard went to grab one, mindlessly. His left arm outstretched towards his brother. Mikey grabbed Gerard’s arm tightly before he even had a chance to react. He turned it over and grunted.   
“Come on, Gee. Really?” Mikey said bitterly, taking a drink.   
Gerard just looked down at his feet. Mikey was a great brother. He was funny and caring. But sometimes he just didn’t understand. This was one of those times.  
“What do you want me to say, Mikey?”   
“Nothing, Gerard. Just fucking stop that shit, I hate it.” Mikey spat. His words were cold, and they cut through the air like a knife.  
“Oh yeah, let me just stop. Oh look at that, I’m cured! Thanks, Mikey! When’d you get your medical degree?” Gerard shouted right back at him, sarcastically.  
“Don’t act like you can’t just get rid of the razor blades, Gerard. Just throw them out! It’s that simple!” Mikey was furious at this point. He was tired of seeing Gerard hurt himself. It hurt him, too. He couldn’t understand it, as much as he tried. It made no sense to him, but Gerard had always been abstract.   
“Try telling that to an alcoholic, Mikey. “Oh just throw out the booze and you’ll be all better!” That makes no fucking sense!” Gerard stood up from his chair, visibly shaking. He hated this. He hated when Mikey acted like this.  
“That’s different! That’s an addiction, a sickness. This is just…fuck, I don’t know Gerard. Just stop!” Mikey bellowed.   
“Don’t you think I would have if it was that easy?” Gerard sobbed. He couldn’t help himself at this point, Mikey could be so rash in his words.  
“Honestly, Gee? I don’t know.” Mikey said fairly quietly compared to how he had been shouting. It was an admission he hadn’t been meaning to make, but sometimes he wondered if Gerard just wanted the attention this brought him.  
Gerard just stared at him, pain in his chest. His bones ached, his muscles screamed. His brother could be so hard headed. He knew he loved him, but he could be goddamn unfeeling at times.  
“Fuck you, Mikey.” Was all he said before he stormed out, slamming the door on the way.  
Gerard ran down the stairs, tears streaming down his cheeks. Mikey had always given him shit about cutting himself before, but he had never acted like Gerard was doing it for the attention. That was something Gerard never expected him to say. How could he say that? Did he really think that or was he just trying to hurt him? If it was the latter, he succeeded.   
He started to walk home, slowly, in the rain. How fitting, he thought. It was early February now, and New York City was beginning to thaw out from a mild winter. There were puddles everywhere, both from rain and from dirty, melted snow. The leaves that had fallen in autumn were beginning to show on the ground, having been hidden for months by a white blanket of snow. They were soggy and brown, and Gerard longed for the snow already.   
Gerard felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Apprehensively, he pulled it out. It was only Frank, and he sighed with relief. He really didn’t want to talk to Mikey, Lindsey or god forbid his mother right now.  
“Hey :)” Frank texted him.  
“Hey.” Was all Gerard said back, obviously acting distant, even obvious through text message.  
“How was your day?”  
“Was fine until I got to Mikey’s.” Frank had this effect on Gerard where he said his thoughts unswervingly to him without thinking. It was like he was an extension of his own mind, and he actually felt comfortable talking about his problems with Frank.  
“Why? What happened? I need to beat him up? ;)” Frank sent.  
Gerard giggled, wiping at his face, clearing any remaining tears.   
“Lol, no Frankie. He’s just a jerk.”  
“Are you still at his house?” Frank asked.  
“No, I stormed out, crying like a baby. I feel so stupid but Mikey can just be so ugh idk.” Gerard said. He meant it, and he couldn’t seem to find any other words to describe his thoughts at the moment. He wanted to explain it to Frank, but he didn’t know how.  
“Aw baby, you’re not stupid. Want to tell me what happened? Where are you?” Frank questioned, he was starting to get worried.   
“I do, I just don’t know how to explain it. I’m walking home right now. I’ll call you when I get in.” Gerard sighed, and turned the corner, pocketing his phone. He wanted to talk about it, but he didn’t want to bother Frank. He decided he would call him when he got home, and if Frank seemed receptive, he would spill his guts. He fell back into self-loathing and walked forward. He still had about 10 minutes until he was home, and the rain wasn’t helping him be any less apathetic about the whole situation.  
He didn’t hear his phone buzz in his pocket again, and he assumed Frank wasn’t interested. Whatever, he supposed.   
Gerard turned the corner into his complex about 10 minutes later, now thoroughly wet and in full brooding mode. He was looking at his feet, thinking about how much he hated himself, as he approached the door, when he heard a familiar voice.   
“Hurry up, Gee; I’m freezing my ass off!”  
“Frankie?” Gerard looked up and started to shuffle towards him faster. “What are you doing here?”  
“I thought you needed someone to cheer you up.” Frank said, extending his arm to take Gerard’s in it.  
Gerard smiled, how could he have thought Frank didn’t care?   
“How did you get here so quickly?” Gerard asked, opening the complex door with his key code.  
“I drove here right after you texted me that you had left crying.” Frank smiled at him, genuinely concerned.  
Gerard just blushed. Such a simple act, yet it meant more than anything any partner had ever done for him. They ascended the steps, hand in hand. He unlocked his apartment door and flicked on the light. He realized that Frank had never seen his apartment, only where it was located. He was nervous. What if he didn’t like it? It wasn’t nearly as tidy as Frank’s, and quite honestly, not as interesting.  
“Home sweet home.” Gerard said, arms outstretched as if to present the place.  
Frank followed him in the door, taking in the sight before him. Comic books and graphic novels, literally everywhere. Three on the coffee table, one on the couch, an entire shelf full of them. Frank plucked the one from the couch up and turned it over to read the back. It was one he had never seen before, but would have definitely picked up at the bookstore had he seen it.   
“This is so cool, Gee.” He said, reading over the back cover.   
“I edited that one, just came out last month. It’s pretty good. Guy’s a new writer, but he’s definitely going somewhere.” Gerard said, slipping off his coat and sitting down on the couch. Frank followed suit, sitting next to Gerard, book still in hand.  
“Do you buy all the books you edit?” He questioned.  
“Usually, unless they’re really terrible.” Gerard laughed. “Keeps me in business, plus I like to see the finished product. It makes me feel like my work actually means something.” Gerard said, taking the book in his hand.  
This particular graphic novel had taken an especially long time to edit. Not because there was anything wrong with it or it was poorly written, but because Gerard found himself entranced in actually reading it. He got caught up in the story so many times he had to remember to focus himself and do his job.   
“That’s really cool, are these all ones you’ve edited?” Frank gestured to the bookshelf.   
“No way, only about half of them are. The ones on the top shelves are my favorites, ones I grew up with and read over and over again. The ones towards the bottom are the ones I’ve worked on. I used to keep them separate, but I ran out of space.” Gerard giggled.  
Gerard stood up from the couch. “Want something to drink?”  
“Sure.” Frank replied.  
Gerard grabbed two soda’s from the fridge, handing one to Frank.  
“Wait, is soda vegan?” Gerard asked, feeling embarrassed.  
“Well, for starters, I’m vegetarian, not vegan.” Frank laughed. “And yes, root beer is vegetarian.”   
“What’s the difference between vegan and vegetarian?”  
“Vegan means no meat by products whatsoever. That means all sorts of things, like no jell-o, no gelatin coated medicine, etcetera.” Frank trailed on.  
“Wait, jell-o has meat in it?” Gerard puffed.  
Frank just laughed. “No, silly. It has gelatin in it, which is made from animals.”   
“I will never think of jell-o the same again…” Gerard laughed at the absurdity.  
“So tell me what happened with Mikey.” Frank said, sitting back comfortably on the couch, motioning for Gerard to lean back on him.  
Gerard complied, laying into his chest, feeling his warm body pressed up against his back.  
“I just went over there to see him. It had been since last weekend, you know, on Friday since I saw him, which is kind of a while for us.” Gerard sighed. “It was fine at first, but then he grabbed at my arm and started yelling at me.”  
“Aw, baby.” Frank rubbed Gerard’s shoulders.  
“He told me to just get over it basically, and then he made it seem like I was just doing it for the attention.”  
“It’s not that easy to just get over it.” Frank said.  
“Right? I just don’t know how to make him see that. He cares about me, I know that, but he does a shitty job showing it.” Gerard let out a nervous chuckle.  
“He just doesn’t understand it, he loves you, but he’s confused.” Frank said. “You do want to stop eventually, right?”  
“Of course. I just…it’s been so long I don’t even know how I would. It’s part of my life, every day.” Gerard said quietly.  
“Well, it will take time, but I want to help you get through this, if you want to.” Frank said, now stroking Gerard’s hair.  
“Really?” Gerard sat up, and turned to look at Frank.  
“Mmhm.” He answered. “Want to know a secret?” Frank asked, taking Gerard’s hands in his.  
Gerard nodded.  
“Well, for the past two years, I have been seeing a therapist every Tuesday. I’ve never cut myself, personally, but I have certainly hated myself. I’ve wanted to die, and I’ve wanted to feel pain. Seeing someone who has no bias in my life has really helped me get over that.” Frank revealed.  
“I would have never thought you would need to see a therapist, Frankie. You seem so…put together, normal. Happy.”   
“I wasn’t always, Gee. I still struggle sometimes, but my therapist helps me understand those feelings. I think she might be able to help you, too.” Frank smiled at Gerard, hoping he would take his advice. He was worried about him, and hoped that maybe talking to someone who knew how to interpret what he was feeling could be the start of getting Gerard healthy.  
“I’m scared. What if she thinks I’m crazy?” Gerard said, knowing this was probably a silly thought, but he couldn’t help but wonder.  
“She see’s many, many patients, all likely much more crazy than you, Gee.” Frank winked at him.  
“Ok. I’ll try it. If you think it will help. I’ve seen therapists before but…”   
“I do. And if it doesn’t, that’s OK, too. I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere.” Frank pulled his boyfriend into a hug, kissing his head.   
The two ordered Chinese food, and watched reality TV for the next two hours. Gerard was content in Frank’s presence. He knew he would need to leave soon, but he was happy living in the moment, something he rarely allowed himself to do. Gerard’s head was always two steps ahead of him, agonizing over the future and the worries it would bring. Frank helped to pull him back to the ground, and into reality. Even if therapy didn’t work, Frank was helping more than anything ever had, just by being here.  
The boys made plans for the next night, Friday night, to go out to dinner somewhere Frank liked. This place apparently had the best vegetarian food, and plenty of non vegetarian food for Gerard, as well. It gave them both something to look forward to when they were both disappointed they had to depart from one another.  
Before Frank left, he wrote the therapists name and number on a post it note and handed it to Gerard.  
“Call her when you’re ready. There is no rush.” Frank kissed him on the lips, sweet and lovingly.   
“Thank you, Frankie.” Gerard said.  
Frank just smiled at him, and kissed him one last time before turning down the hallway of the apartment building and out the heavy steel door towards his car. Gerard watched him go from his living room window, turning his car on and pulling out of the parking lot.  
Gerard stared at the piece of paper for a while, mulling over what he would do. Frank said there was no rush; he could wait a while. He could call next week. No. He had to call now, before he changed his mind. He knew he needed to call and schedule an appointment. Maybe Frank was right, it would help. But, Gerard just didn’t know if he was ready to give up his habit. Did he even want to? He didn’t know, but he knew he had to try, for Frank.   
He picked up his phone and dialed the number. There was no answer, not surprising, considering it was 9 o’clock on a Thursday evening.   
“Hi, this is the office of Dr. Elizabeth Foster, licensed psychologist. Our office is closed right now, but please leave a message and we will return your call within 24 hours. Thank you, and have a nice day.”  
“Uh, Hi. My name is Gerard Way and I wanted to set up an appointment with Dr. Foster. I was referred by a current patient, uh Frank Iero…” Gerard continued, asking them to call him back and leaving his number and availability before hanging up. He hoped this would work, he really did. He wanted it to, for Frank. If Frank could do this, he could too. Maybe this wouldn’t be just another band aid; maybe this would be a cure. Maybe Gerard could actually be happy.  
He went to bed that night with a lot to think about, Frank being the most prominent. He wondered if Frank was thinking about him, too.   
Oblivious to Gerard, Frank too lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The only thing on his mind tonight was Gerard. Gerard seemed to always be on his mind now, swimming in his head, popping up every few minutes just to make him smile. Both men fell asleep that night with a smile, and each other in their dreams.


	9. Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard makes a mistake, and it has nearly deadly consequences. Mikey shows his soft side and Frank needs Gerard to be honest with him about his intentions.

Gerard was on the subway, on his way home from work on Friday afternoon. It was about 4:30, and Gerard had managed to slip out a little early so he had enough time to get ready for his date. He was mindlessly listening to Smashing Pumpkins when the music cut out, his phone ringing. Fucking Mikey.   
Ignore.  
He left no voicemail, knowing that Gerard would never listen to it. Gerard put his phone back in his pocket, closing his eyes. The phone rang again, Mikey. No message. The phone rang a third time, Mikey. No message.  
Five minutes later, the phone rang again.  
“Fuck off, Mikey!” He mumbled to himself. It wasn’t Mikey this time; it was Dr. Foster’s office. Hesitantly, he answered.  
“Hello?”  
“Hi, is this Mr. Way?” a squeaky, female voiced questioned from the other line.  
“Yes.”  
“Hi Mr. Way, my name is Michelle, calling from Dr. Foster’s office. I was returning your message you left us last evening.” She spoke.  
“Oh, right.” Gerard wondered why they waiting until the next afternoon to call. Maybe she wasn’t taking new patients and wanted to tell Gerard before going home for the weekend so she could avoid any confrontation from an upset potential client. He hoped.  
“We have a few appointments available for next week. You said you were available weekdays after 4PM, correct?” She asked.  
“Yes, that’s correct.”   
“Would next Wednesday at 5PM work for you?”   
“Yes, that works. Thank you.” Gerard said. He was tentative, but he knew he had to follow through.  
“Ok great. We’ll see you then, Mr. Way. Have a nice night.”  
“Thanks, you too.”   
He hung up the phone and felt a lump in his throat. He knew Dr. Foster would think him insane. She would definitely want to lock him up. Fuck. This was a mistake. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He had to get out. He was sweating, heart racing. He leapt off the subway at the next stop. Two stops from where he needed to be, but once he felt the cool air on his face he felt some of the anxiety melt away.  
“Nice job, Gerard.” He mumbled, yet again, to himself as he began to walk out of the station, preparing himself for a two mile walk that he could have avoided had he not freaked out on the subway. 

Frank was sitting at home, mindlessly strumming his guitar. Thinking about Gerard, of course. He was thinking about his pale skin, his hazel eyes, and his crooked smile. He was on his mind constantly. It scared him a little bit, how often he thought about him, if he was honest. He was excited to take him out tonight and spend time with him as a couple, really for the first time since they technically became one. During the week they were both busy adults. As much as they didn’t seem to feel like adults, they were.  
Sometimes Frank wanted to run away, start a new life. But no, he couldn’t do that. He’d already done that when he left New Jersey. What was his problem with complacency? It seemed like now that he was truly settled in New York he felt the itch to leave. This feeling seemed to go away when he was with Gerard, though. Gerard was fresh air, he was oxygen.   
Gerard was not oxygen. Gerard was toxic waste, he was radioactive and dangerous. He was poison and he would hurt Frank, he was sure of it. He would hurt Frank just by being the garbage that he was. He shut the door to his apartment behind him and sunk down to the floor. Fuck, this hurt. He had an hour before Frank was to pick him up. He had to get ready, he had to put on a happy face. He knew his fake smile would turn genuine when he met Frank, he just had to forge it now. No. He couldn’t. Fuck.  
He was in the bathroom again, on the edge of the tub. Razor blade in his hand, pressed up against his translucent skin. He may never get to do this again after Wednesday. What if Dr. Foster locked him up and he didn’t have access to razor blades? He would have to use something else. Surely they had plastic knives or something he could use. Maybe he could hang himself from the shower curtain if he ever got locked up in a place like that. Maybe he could slit his throat now and never have to worry about being committed to an insane asylum. No. Frank would be here soon, this would have to suffice.  
He sliced his skin, deeper this time than usual. This wasn’t for the pain, this was for the blood. He needed to see it to remind him that he was alive, breathing, heart beating. Because, fuck, if he didn’t feel so god damn numb right now.   
The blood poured out of the wound, dripping on the floor. Gerard didn’t move, he just watched it.  
Good, bleed you useless piece of trash. This is for attention. Fucking attention whore. Fucking worthless.   
The words swirled in his head as the blood poured from the gash on his arm. He didn’t cry, and he didn’t flinch with pain. He pressed the blade down again, slicing. Deep, blood, pouring, staining the floor, his arms, his clothes.   
Gerard didn’t hear the door open; Gerard didn’t hear Mikey calling him. Gerard didn’t hear Mikey open the bathroom door. He didn’t hear Mikey start to sob.   
“Fuck, Gerard. No, fuck. What did you do? What did you do, Gee?” Mikey shook him. Gerard didn’t respond.  
“Gerard, look at me.” Mikey shook him harder this time.   
Gerard didn’t look away from his arm.  
“Gerard!” Mikey screamed, ripping the razor blade from his brother’s hand and taking him in his arms, blood getting on his clothes. Mikey didn’t care. He held Gerard tight, squeezing him like if he let go he would vanish into thin air.  
“I’m so fucking sorry, Gee. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Gee, look at me. Please.” Mikey cried.  
Gerard hadn’t seen Mikey cry since they were kids. He was not a sensitive man, he was an unfeeling man. He was indifferent, and honest. He was blunt and tactless, and he was crying – for Gerard.  
Gerard snapped out of it, hissing in pain suddenly.  
“Mikey, what are you doing here?”   
“You wouldn’t answer my calls, I got worried. I wanted to say I was sorry.” Mikey sniffled, pulling away from him only slightly. “We have to get you cleaned up, Gee. You might need stitches.”  
Gerard nodded, allowing Mikey to pull away. He wet a washcloth with warm water and gently placed it on the wounds. He wiped at them carefully, washing away the blood. The cuts were deep, but the bleeding stopped. Gerard stared at Mikey, thoughtfully. Mikey had never seemed so affectionate, so loving. Even when they were little, Mikey was never an emotional person. But here he was, crying and so gently tending to his brother’s self-inflicted wounds.  
“I’m so sorry, Gee.” He said again, sobbing.  
Gerard didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say. He knew Mikey was sorry simply because he was there.  
“I love you, Gerard. Please, please, forgive me. I was wrong. I know that now. I was so worried after you left yesterday. I wanted to give you time to cool off, but when you didn’t answer any of my calls, fuck, I thought the worst.” Mikey said, tears still running down his cheeks. Gerard saw pain in his face, his sharp jawline softening, and his eyes glassy.  
“Of course I forgive you, Mikes. It’s ok.” Gerard said, looking his brother in the eye. “I don’t think I need stitches, just a bandage.”   
“Ok. Wait here.” Mikey went into the hallway and opened the closet to get the bandages. He returned with the first aid kit, and again, very carefully tended to Gerard’s arm. He wiped the wounds clean with fresh water and placed a soft cotton pad on top. He smoothly taped the area and secured it with a gauze wrap.   
“Thank you.” Gerard said, standing up from his spot on the floor.   
Mikey stood in front of Gerard, pulling him into a tight hug. A hug that was distinctly unlike Mike; a tight hug, with feeling and with love. He held him close and sobbed again. Mikey was terrified of losing his brother, and he could only realize that now.   
“Don’t cry, Mikey. I’m fine, I’m OK.” Gerard said.  
“I know, but…what if you weren’t?” He cried.  
“I’m so sorry for worrying you like that. I promise, no matter how we fight, I will always answer your calls. I’m sorry.” Gerard explained. “I was mad, I was wrong to ignore you. I didn’t mean to scare you.”  
“It’s over now. It’s OK.” Mikey said, releasing Gerard.   
They stood in the entrance to the bathroom, smiling at each other. They were brothers again, back to normal. Better than normal maybe, because now Mikey understood.   
There was a knock at the door.  
“Fuck. Frank.” Gerard said, wiping his eyes from the tears that had fallen as he embraced Mikey.  
“I’ll get it; you just go get yourself ready. I’ll keep him busy.” Mikey said, leaving Gerard in the bathroom.  
Mikey opened the door to a very startled Frank.  
“Jesus, Mikey, are you OK?” He saw the blood on his white shirt and his eyes red and glassy.  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Come in.” He said.  
Frank was hesitant. Was Gerard OK? What the hell was going on?  
“Where’s Gerard?” He asked, nervously, walking into the apartment with him nowhere to be seen.  
“He’s getting ready in his room; he’ll be out in a minute.”  
“Is…everything OK? I mean, I can go if you two need to…”  
Mikey interrupted. “No, no. It’s ok, he’s fine.”   
Mikey walked into the kitchen, grabbing two beers, one for him and one for Frank. He fucking needed one and Frank would soon, too.  
“Here man, drink this. You’re gonna need it.” Mikey said.  
Frank took the drink from Mikey’s hand. He was really worried, now.  
“Listen, Frank, Gerard kind of had a freak out. My fault, really.” He said, before sighing and looking down at his feet before taking a drink.  
“Yeah, he told me you two had a fight.” Frank said.  
“Yeah…I fucked up. He hurt himself, pretty bad. He’s OK, though. It’s for him to decide if he wants to tell you. He’s OK now, though.” Mikey didn’t know how much Frank knew, and he didn’t want to tell secrets that weren’t his to reveal, but he did want Frank to know the gravity of the situation.  
“Fuck.” Frank said. “I think it’s my fault.”   
“What?” Mikey asked.  
“I came over last night, and we talked. He was upset, you know, about the fight you had. I told him maybe he should see my therapist, maybe she could help. I think I might have pushed him too hard…” Frank said, sitting down and putting his head in his hands.  
Mikey laughed.  
“Frank, he didn’t mention it to me, at all. Trust me; you are not what upset him.”  
Gerard exited the bedroom then, clean, blood free clothes on and his hair combed.   
“Hey, you.” He smiled at Frank.  
“Hey, you look nice.” Frank said back to him, smiling slightly. He was still unsure if he had been the one to upset Gerard.  
“Ready?” Gerard asked.   
“Yeah, if you are.”   
“Definitely.” He answered. He glanced to Mikey.  
“Mikey, you ok?” He whispered while Frank went to discard of his now empty beer bottle.   
“I’m fine. Go have fun. I’ll lock up, call me tomorrow, OK?” He said.  
“Ok. Love you, Mikes.” Gerard said, smiling at Mikey.  
“I love you too, Gee.” Mikey smiled back.  
Frank took Gerard’s hand and they motioned out the door, happy, like nothing had happened. Mikey sunk into the couch after they left and cried.   
Frank and Gerard walked out the door to the building and into the night air. Frank stopped abruptly, and Gerard was pulled back. Before he had a chance to respond, Frank pulled him into a tight hug.  
“You’re going to think I’m silly, Gee…”He said, still hugging him close.  
Gerard cocked an eyebrow and looked at Frank, their arms still tangled together.  
“What, baby?”  
“When Mikey answered the door, and I saw his shirt full of blood…I…” He hugged Gerard again, squeezing him tighter this time.  
“I’m sorry I scared you, Frankie. I’m ok, I’m fine.” He cooed in Frank’s ear.   
“I know, I just got so scared.” He said, taking Gerard’s hand back in his, and walking him towards the car.  
Gerard could feel the nausea in the pit of his stomach. He knew he would need to tell Frank what happened.  
“Do you want to talk about it? Frank asked once they were in the car.  
“I do…but, let’s eat first. I want us to relax and have a nice time. We will go back to my place and talk about it then, ok?” Yes, Gerard was stalling, but he really didn’t want to ruin his dinner with Frank.  
“Ok, baby.” Frank said, smiling. He was apprehensive with this idea, but he wanted Gerard to enjoy himself tonight. They would talk later. All that mattered right now was that he was OK.

The restaurant was beautiful. It was small and quaint, and in a part of the city Gerard had never been. Probably because it wasn’t within walking distance. It was decorated nicely, with paintings from local artists hanging on the walls. The food was great, Frank getting a salad and Gerard letting Frank choose his favorite thing on the menu for him – a pasta primavera. Considering the way the night began, it was turning out to be pretty perfect. They shared stories about their week, and held hands across the table. Gerard felt himself falling in love with Frank through every glance they shared. At the end of the meal, Gerard went and used the restroom. When he returned, Frank had already paid the bill. Gerard pretended to be mad, reminding Frank that he agreed to let him pay this time, but he wasn’t really.   
They left the establishment, happy and full. Gerard almost forgetting about the conversation he needed to have with Frank.  
“Are you still up for going back to your place to talk?” Frank asked as they approached the car. He wanted to tell Gerard he didn’t have to right now, but Frank really needed to know, and he didn’t want to give Gerard the chance to back out if he felt he had it.   
“Yeah.” Gerard said, weakly.  
Frank pecked him on the cheek and opened the door for him.   
Gerard slid in the car. He was nervous, definitely nervous. Frank would understand, though. He knew he would. He had to. Right?  
They drove to Gerard’s apartment in almost near silence, something that was unusual for them. Gerard was visibly scared, and as they approached the building, Frank gripped his hand in a reassuring gesture that it would all be OK.  
Gerard took his time getting out of the car once they were parked, inhaling a few deep breaths.   
Once they were inside the apartment, Gerard took notice that Mikey had left. He had expected him to, but he did wonder if he would stay until Gerard got home. He was so unlike himself when Gerard left, he was almost worried for him.   
The men sat on the couch, looking at each other.   
“Frankie…” Gerard took Frank’s hand in his. “I don’t know what happened, I just…freaked out when I got home from work. Mikey kept calling me while I was on the subway and I just kept hearing him in my head yelling at me the other night. I started panicking on the train, and I had to get off.” He continued. “I got off two stops early, just to get out of there. By the time I got home I was so full of anxiety. I don’t even remember how I got into the bathroom or got the razor blade out, but I cut myself. Deep. Deeper than I ever have, Frank.”  
Frank squeezed Gerard’s hand, letting him know it was OK to continue.  
“I hardly remember doing it. But then Mikey came in and he found me. He got worried when I wouldn’t answer his calls. He was so upset. I’ve never seen him like that.”  
“Baby, it’s OK.” Frank said, now pulling Gerard into his embrace.   
“Mikey thought I might need stitches, but I think it’s OK. We wrapped it up.”  
“Can I see the bandage, baby?” Frank asked. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.  
“Uh…I guess so.” Gerard hesitantly pulled his sleeve up and over the wrapped wound. Gerard was surprised to see blood soaked through the cloth. Frank wasn’t.   
“We need to get this bandage off, Baby. You’re bleeding through it.” Frank said, stroking Gerard’s hair.  
“How did you know?” Gerard questioned. How could he gave guessed that Gerard had bled through?  
“My mom’s a nurse. Your arms bleed a lot, there’s a major artery there, baby.” Frank said, standing up. “Come on, let’s go into the bathroom.”  
Frank led Gerard into the bathroom, taking careful steps as not to panic Gerard.  
Frank slowly unwrapped the bandage, a washcloth underneath his boyfriend’s arm as he did so any blood that was still fresh wouldn’t spill onto the floor. He winced when he saw the wounds, some blood still bubbling out of the two horizontal cuts on his forearm.  
“Can I touch your arm, baby? Not on the cuts, just around them?”   
Gerard nodded, his head now clammy and his skin even paler than normal.  
Frank placed a gentle finger next to the gashes, lightly pulling on the skin to get an idea of how deep they were. The bleeding had mostly stopped, but not completely.  
“Ok baby, here’s what we can do.” Frank said, looking Gerard in the eye.  
“You should get stitches, but the gauze was wrapped tightly around it, mostly stopping the bleeding. Had it not been wrapped as quickly as it was, you probably would have passed out from blood loss.” Frank declared.  
Gerard took a sharp breath in. He was scared, and he felt terrible about what he had done, and how Frank now needed to care for him.  
“Mikey did a good job wrapping it up. You don’t have to get stitches, it will close, but it will leave a scar. If you get stitches it will leave a smaller scar, but…” Frank’s gaze faltered.  
“But what, Frank?” Gerard asked.  
“If you go to the hospital with two cuts like this…It’s obvious you did it to yourself. They’ll most likely put you on a psychiatric hold for 72 hours. That means once they stitch you up, you can’t leave for three days until they make sure you aren’t a danger to yourself.” He said, worried for Gerard’s reaction.  
Gerard almost did pass out when he said that. Thinking about being locked in one of those places was one of the thoughts that started this whole mess.  
“Listen to me, baby, stay with me.” Frank said softly, placing a hand on Gerard’s cheek. “I need to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me.”  
Gerard nodded.  
“Do you think you will hurt yourself again? If there is even a chance that you think you might do this again, I need you to tell me.” Frank said more seriously this time.  
“I…I don’t think so.”   
“I’m sorry for asking, but…you weren’t trying to…you know…” Frank didn’t want to say the words. He didn’t want to ask Gerard if he was trying to kill himself. He needed to stay strong for him right now, and he knew he would break down in tears the second the sentence was uttered.  
“Kill myself?” Gerard finished for him.  
“…yeah” Frank said quietly, scared for Gerard’s response.  
“No, Frankie. No, I was just…so full of panic. I couldn’t breathe. I just wanted to bring myself back to reality. That’s all it ever is, bringing myself back down from the anxiety attack. I don’t want to kill myself.” Gerard said confidently. He didn’t want to kill himself. That wasn’t what this was, it wasn’t a call for help or a death wish, it was a therapy to him. A shitty one, but that’s what I was.  
“Ok, it’s settled then. No hospital, but we need to wrap this good again, and tight.” Frank said, fumbling from the floor where they were sitting to the counter that had the first aid supplies Mikey had left earlier on it.  
Frank re-wrapped Gerard’s arm tightly, kissing the bandage when he was done. They returned to the couch, sitting close to each other in silence, just enjoying the presence of one another.  
“Frankie?” He asked.  
“Yeah, baby?”   
“Will you stay with me tonight?” Gerard looked at Frank.  
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” He replied, planting a kiss on Gerard’s mouth. And there wasn’t, this is exactly where Frank wanted to be; with Gerard, problems and all.


	10. Mama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard's therapist helps him come to a realization that may help him move on from his past. In order to go through with it, though, he'll need Frank and Mikey's help.

“Good morning, baby.” Frank cooed in Gerard’s ear. They were still in bed, both in their boxers only. They made their way to Gerard’s room round 1AM the night before after passing out on the couch during some terrible action movie on cable. They just slept this time, close to each other. They breathed in one another’s scent, and held on to their partner through the night.   
Gerard yawned, laying his head on Frank’s chest. Frank tangled his tattooed fingers in his lover’s hair.  
“Good morning.” Gerard sighed.  
“How is your arm feeling?” Frank asked, still stroking Gerard’s hair.  
“Feels OK. Look, the bandage is clean.” Gerard held up his arm and smiled.   
“Yay!” Frank said, smiling back down at Gerard. “What time is it?”  
“Uh…” Gerard grabbed his phone on the night table next to him. “10:43”   
Frank yawned, and removed his fingers from Gerard’s hair. “Be right back.” He stood up, grabbed his phone and walked into the hallway.  
“Bob – can’t make it in today @ 2. Sick, sorry. Cover for me? I’ll owe you one.” Frank texted.  
“Fine, but you owe me. :)” Bob replied. Great, now Frank was in debt to Bob who was notorious for asking the most ridiculous of favors. He tucked back into bed with Gerard, taking him in his arms, forgetting about Bob and his frivolous request that would surely come.   
“Where’d you go?” Gerard asked.  
“I texted Bob at work…told him I can’t make it in today.” Frank kissed him on the forehead.  
“I didn’t know you had work today, I’m sorry. You don’t have to do that.” Gerard sat up slightly, looking into Frank’s eyes.  
“I wanted to, baby. I’d rather be here with you.” Frank kissed him on the lips. Whatever favor Bob needed in the future, it was worth it.  
“You’re too good to me, Frankie.” Gerard whispered into his ear. He slowly shifted to Frank’s mouth, lightly grazing his lips over Frank’s.   
They stayed in bed until almost two in the afternoon; though they didn’t do much sleeping during that time. Both men shifted from the bed, giddy and content. They dressed slowly, relishing in the feeling that they had nothing to rush for; nowhere to be.   
“So Frankie, I meant to tell you something last night but I didn’t have the chance.” Gerard said, pulling on a pair of pants from the closet.  
“Yeah?” Frank asked.  
“Yeah. I made an appointment with Dr. Foster for Wednesday at 5.” He said with a smile, he was feeling a little more comfortable about the situation with Frank here to reel him into reality.  
“Really? Baby, that’s great!” Frank said, walking over to Gerard and cupping his face in his hands. He planted a quick kiss to his lips before pulling away and slipping a shirt over his head.  
Gerard and Frank spent the weekend together. They went to dinner on Saturday and Gerard managed to pay this time, although with much detest from Frank. When it was time for Frank to depart on Sunday evening, Gerard was feeling much more content with his life than he was Friday afternoon. He wasn’t necessarily looking forward to his appointment on Wednesday, but he wasn’t dreading it like he had been. He was, at least, feeling indifferent to it, and to Gerard that was enough. Frank drove home with a smile that he couldn’t wipe off of his face even if he tried, not that he would want to. Both men fell asleep that night, though separately, with one another in their thoughts and in their hearts.

“Gerard Way?” called a professional sounding voice from the entry to a dimly lit office.  
Gerard stood, legs shaking, and followed the woman inside the room.  
“Hi, Gerard. I’m Dr. Foster, but you can call me Elizabeth. How are you today?” She spoke, taking a seat in a large blue lounge chair. She motioned for Gerard to take a seat across from her in a matching chair.  
“I’m OK, thanks.” He sat down, hands in his lap, trembling nervously.  
“It’s OK, Gerard.” She said, sensing him quaking.” I’m not here to judge you or make you uncomfortable in any way. We’re just here to talk. Ok?” She asked, smiling at him genuinely.  
“Ok…” He answered hesitantly.  
“Tell me a little bit about yourself, Gerard.”   
“Uh, well…I work for Berkley publishing. I’m an editor there.” He said, taking comfort in talking about something he knew well.  
“Do you like your job?” She wasted no time getting to the point, apparently.  
“Definitely, I do. Sometimes it’s annoying, but it’s fairly easy and I get to read a lot of comics before they come out. I want to write my own someday.” He said, now looking at Elizabeth in the eye, and shifting into a more comfortable position in the fluffy chair.  
“Good. I’m glad to hear you enjoy your profession. Tell me a little bit about you, what do you like to do for fun?” She asked.  
“Fun? Uh…write comics.” He laughed nervously. “I like horror movies, Frank and I sometimes watch them together.” He said this so nonchalantly, forgetting that she did know who Frank was, but maybe not what Frank was to him.   
“How is your relationship with Frank?” She asked, maybe she did know a little more than Gerard thought.  
“It’s good, great, actually. It’s new, but we get along really well and I like him, a lot.” He glanced back at the floor, blushing to himself with the thought of Frank.  
“That’s wonderful, Gerard.” She said. Gerard could tell she was going to ask another question, but he couldn’t help blurting out the next thing.  
“Does Frank talk about me a lot?” He was insecure, and needed to know if Frank mentioned him. It made his heart flurry.  
“I can’t really release any information on our conversations, but, yes, he has mentioned you more than once.” She answered, smiling slyly.  
Gerard blushed again.  
“Do you think it’s important that Frank talk about you or mention you to his friends and family?”   
Gerard didn’t know, he had never thought about it.  
“I mean, I guess? I’d like to know that he is as excited about our relationship as I am…It makes me feel like it’s not one sided.” He mumbled towards the end of the statement.   
“Does Frank make you feel like it’s one sided?” She asked, writing notes on a small pad.  
“No, never. I just wondered, I guess.” Gerard sat back in his chair, glancing at the clock. It had been less than ten minutes and he was already talking about his relationship with Frank. Damn sneaky therapists.  
“Tell me a little bit about your past relationships, Gerard. Has anyone made you feel like your love for them was one sided, or not reciprocated?” She sat forward slightly, still scratching notes into the paper.  
“Uh…” He had to think about it. “Maybe? I mean, Bert, my only serious ex-boyfriend, never was good at showing his emotions unless it was through a fist.” He laughed nervously.   
“I’m sorry he did that to you, Gerard. No one deserves to be hit.” She said, looking up from her paper and smiling lightly at him. “How long were you with Bert?”   
“About two years.”   
“When did the abuse start?” She asked. Again, getting right to the heart of things.  
“A few weeks after I moved in with him. One day he just went off and it was never the same again.”  
“Was it only physical abuse or was it mental and emotional as well?” She asked.  
“What do you mean?”   
“I mean, did he ever say nasty things to you or threaten you? Not all abuse is physical.”  
“Oh, yeah. He would do that sometimes.” He sighed.  
“What kind of things did he say to you?”  
“Sometimes he would call me worthless, sometimes he would tell me no one loved me like he did, and if I ever left he would kill me.” He tilted his head up towards the ceiling, focusing on the white tiles above him, trying to ground himself. He wanted the chair to open up and eat him whole. Just rip his body from the world and pull him back down into it so he could disappear.  
“That’s dreadful. I’m so sorry, Gerard. What happened that you were able to leave him?” She was still writing on that little notepad, and it made Gerard nervous.  
“Uh…I…” He stuttered, he was starting to feel the panic inside him again. He was trapped in this tiny office, with a woman who wanted to know all his secrets.  
“Are you alright. Gerard?” She asked, sitting forward again.  
“Yeah…I just…”He mumbled out, breathing quickly and shallowly. His hands started shaking, and his foot was tapping on the ground. He was entering fight or flight mode, and he knew he would always choose flight.   
“Breathe in…and out…in…and out.” She whispered, staring him in the eyes.  
He followed her instructions and focused on her words. In, and out, in, and out. He could do this. He could talk about this. He wasn’t trapped. In, and out, in, and out.  
“Thanks.” He said, taking a deep breath.  
“Does that happen a lot? Where you start to panic?” She asked, scribbling something down.  
“Yeah. Sometimes for no reason, sometimes when I feel stuck.” He explained.  
“How long has this been happening?”  
“As long as I can remember.” He said honestly. “Sometimes I can pull myself out of it, sometimes…” He stopped, knowing what he would have to admit to if he went any farther.  
“How do you deal with it when you can’t pull yourself out of it?” She asked.  
“Sometimes I cut myself.” He said quickly, before he could convince himself not to. “Oh god, you’re going to think I’m crazy. You’re going to have me locked up in one of those places for insane people.” He started to scramble his words together.   
“Shhh, breathe. It’s OK, Gerard.” She said quietly. “I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you have been through a lot, and you found a way to cope with it.”  
“You don’t think I’m crazy? How could you not think I’m crazy?” He cupped his head in his hands, and slumped into his lap. He was surprised, he thought for sure she would tell him he was deranged and that he needed much more mental help than she could provide once a week.  
“No, Gerard. You’re suffering from panic attacks. They can be extremely traumatizing and hard to control. You suffered abuse at the hands of someone you loved. It’s in our natural human needs to find a way to cope with those things. Unfortunately, your method of coping is self-harm, but that is not crazy. It is much more common than you think.”  
Gerard hated it, but she was making a lot of sense.  
“Have you ever seen anyone, a doctor I mean, for your panic attacks?” She asked, going back to writing her notes.  
“No. I mean, I’ve seen shrinks before but never really talked about it…”   
“I think I can help you control them so that you can stop cutting yourself eventually. Is that something you would be willing to try?”  
“Yes, I think so.” He said. He wanted to stop cutting himself, for Frank. For Mikey. For himself.  
“I’m going to prescribe you something called Quetiapine. It is a mild sedative to help control your panic attacks. I’m going to give you a low dose to start. If you start feeling anxiety and think you may hurt yourself, I want you to take one. You take them only when needed, not every day.” She said. “Is that OK?”  
“Yeah…I’ve never taken any medication like that before, but I’d be willing to try, I guess…”   
“I think it will help you, Gerard. And if not, there are many other avenues we can explore to help get you feeling better and not hurting yourself. And I promise, unless I feel that you are a serious danger to yourself or someone else, none of those options include sending you to a mental institution.” She smiled at him, earnestly. Gerard felt some of the tension dissipate knowing that she didn’t think he was crazy, and he was safe for now.  
Gerard left her office feeling a little better about himself that day. He had the reassurance he needed from her that she wasn’t going to lock him up or say he insane. They set another appointment for the same time, next Wednesday.   
He stopped by the pharmacy and picked up his medicine. Small, round, white pills. 30 of them, for 30 days, just in case. He reminded himself these were only in case he needed them, they would help. This was another coping mechanism he could use without hurting himself.   
When he got home, he called Frank. He told him about his appointment and the medicine he had been prescribed. Frank seemed happy for him, and reassured him that the medication would be a good thing for him if he needed it. They made plans for the weekend and hung up the phone. Gerard reminded himself “only if I need it.”  
The weekend passed by them much too fast for their liking. The couple was together from Friday afternoon to Sunday night, and it was becoming a routine. Frank now had a toothbrush at Gerard’s house, and Gerard had the same at Frank’s. Gerard hadn’t cut himself in four days, which was a new record. He broke down on Sunday night, however, after Frank left and made two shallow slices. He took half of one of the pills Dr. Foster had prescribed for him and went to bed. He fell asleep fairly quickly, probably because of the drug. He considered this a success, however.

“How are you feeling today, Gerard?” Elizabeth asked him, as he sunk into the familiar blue chair from the prior week.  
“I’m fine, thank you.” He said.  
“How was your week? Anything interesting happen?”   
“Not really. Same old, same old.” He responded, twiddling his thumbs as he watched her get the notepad out.  
“That’s good. How about your self-harm? Have you needed the Quetiapine?” She asked, smiling at him.  
“Once. I cut myself, just a little, though. And then I took a half of one. It made me fall asleep.”  
“That’s good, Gerard. It won’t be instant that you can stop hurting yourself, but as long as you remember you don’t have to, you will eventually notice yourself doing it less and less.” She responded, not looking up from her notes now. “Is it ok if we continue our conversation from last week? About Bert?”  
“Alright.”  
“So, tell me. How did you find the strength to leave him?” She inquired.  
“I don’t know, just one day I had enough. I packed up my things and left. I ran, actually. Three hours from home in New Jersey, to here.” He sighed, thumbs still twirling.  
“You did the right thing, Gerard.”  
“Thanks…” He trailed on, sometimes wondering if he did.  
“Is your family back in New Jersey?” She asked, back to writing.  
“Yeah, my mom is. My brother moved here after he graduated.”   
“That’s nice that you have some family here. Do you talk to your mom a lot still?”  
“Almost every day.” He said, smiling.  
“Do you miss her?” She asked, frowning slightly at him.  
“Of course…” He didn’t realize how much he missed her until she said it. He missed her a lot. They had always been close and he hadn’t seen her in nearly two years, since the last time she came to visit him.   
“Have you ever gone back to see her?” She asked.  
“No, never…not with Bert there. I…can’t. Mikey, my brother, he has though.” He couldn’t go back to New Jersey. Bert would find him. Bert would kill him.  
“Almost all of the abuse cases I have ever come across, the abuser makes empty threats, Gerard. If he wanted to hurt you, Gerard, he would have come looking for you. It’s been five years since you left. You’re safe, now.” Gerard knew all of this was probably true, but he couldn’t help but be petrified at the thought of seeing Bert again.  
“I don’t know…” He mumbled.  
“Think about it. I’m sure your mom misses you, too. Bert can’t hurt you anymore. He isn’t part of your life anymore.”  
“Maybe.” He knew he could just go to his mom’s house, and then go back home. The chances of him running into Bert were slim to none, but he was still terrified.  
“Does Frank make you feel safe, Gerard?” She smiled at him, knowingly.  
“He does.”   
“Maybe he would go with you. I think maybe seeing your mom and facing your past, while indirectly, would be a step in the right direction. Maybe go with Mikey, too. There is power in numbers.” She set her notepad down.  
“Just think about it, Gerard. Ok?”  
“Ok.” He replied.

He left her office confused. He had never, ever, thought about going back to New Jersey. He missed his mother like hell, and he knew she couldn’t drive the long distance to him anymore. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as soon as he got out the door of the building, making his way towards the subway.  
He dialed Frank’s number and waited for the answer.  
“Hey baby.” He could hear Frank’s chipper voice on the other line.  
“Hey you.”   
“How’d therapy go?” Frank asked.  
“Well, that’s actually what I was calling about. How do you feel about a road trip?” He inquired.  
“Baby, I’d go anywhere with you.” He joked. “But, where to? When? I’d have to get some time off from work, and maybe reschedule a few shows, but yeah I would go if I can.”   
“I think I need to see my mom.” The line was silent, Frank wasn’t expecting that.  
“You haven’t been back to New Jersey since…”  
“I know, Frankie. That’s why I need you to go with me. My mom can’t drive the distance anymore, and Dr. Foster made me realize that maybe going back, even just to see her would help me get over it.” He sighed, walking into the subway car. It was nearly empty, thank god. “I can’t do it without you, though.”  
“I’ll go with you. I wouldn’t let you do this alone. Just let me know when and I’ll make it work. Ok?” Frank said.  
“Thank you, Frankie. I…Thank you.” He almost said it. Almost said “I love you”. Did he love Frank? Fuck. He did.  
“See you on Friday?” Frank asked.  
“Definitely.” Gerard said. Yes. He definitely loved him.  
When he finally got in the door, he exhaled with relief. Relieved that Frank was going with him, relieved that he would finally get to visit his mom again, relieved that he finally realized he loved Frank. He had been agonizing over the idea for days now, and he could finally understand his feelings. He loved Frank. He loved him so fucking much it made his chest hurt, but not in the bad way like it usually did.   
Gerard didn’t cut himself that night. He didn’t cut himself the next night, or two nights that followed.


	11. Miss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard, Frank and Mikey prepare for a trip to Mama Way's. Gerard has a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach that this isn't going to go well. Frank is trying to convince him otherwise, and Mikey's just excited to catch up with old friends. Things don't exactly go as planned, to say the least.

Gerard’s mom was ecstatic when he told her he was coming to visit. Gerard, Mikey and Frank decided on the week of February 18th, just shortly after Gerard’s revelation with his therapist. It was soon, but he was afraid if he waited too long he would change his mind. Frank was able to get off of work for the week, and he fortunately only had to reschedule one show. Gerard had an overabundance of paid time off he hadn’t used and his boss was more than happy to get him out of the office for a little while. Gerard could be a little bit of a perfectionist when it came to his job, and although it made for some excellent work, it could sometimes become a little overbearing. Gerard needed a break, and his boss was the first to agree.  
On the morning of the trip, Gerard was a nervous wreck. Frank had to pack for him as he paced the apartment. Frank’s chest hurt watching him so worked up over going home. He guessed it wasn’t home anymore after Bert, and that hurt him, too. He still considered New Jersey home, although Gerard’s presence in New York was changing his views somewhat. He had mulled over the notion of when he would finally let it slip – the L word – Frank knew he loved Gerard, he just didn’t know how to say it. When it finally came out, he was surprised as Gerard was, but he didn’t regret it for a second.   
“Gee, baby, please calm down.” Frank said, looking up at him from his spot on the floor where he was folding Gerard’s clothes to pack into the suitcase. “I packed your medicine, OK?”  
“I can’t, Frankie. This is a bad idea. I can’t do this.” He paced back and forth, chewing on his fingers.   
“Come here.” Frank stood up and motioned for him. Gerard let himself slow, and walked into Frank’s arms. “Shhh, it’s OK. I’m with you. I’ll be with you the whole time.”   
“I know.” Gerard took a deep breath. In, and out…in, and out. Just like Dr. Foster said. He could do this, Frank was with him. In, and out….in, and out.  
“Gee, look at me.” Frank cupped his face in his hands. This was a good a time as any. Gerard needed to hear this. He needed Gerard to know that he loved him and he would keep him protected. “I love you, Gee. I won’t let anything happen to you. I love you so much.” Frank stared him in the eye, trying to read his expression. Gerard sobbed.  
“I love you too, Frankie. Fuck, I love you so much. You have no idea how long I have wanted to say that.” He buried his head in Frank’s neck and let out a silent cry, the tension melting away from his body. He was safe with Frank. Nothing could hurt him.  
“Me too.” Frank wiped as his eyes from the tears that had started to pool there.   
They held each other tight for a moment before Gerard pulled away.  
“Ok…I’m ready.” He smiled at Frank. Frank nodded back. He closed the suitcase and pulled it through the door. Mikey was already in the living room, waiting for them.  
“I’d like to get there sometime this year.” Mikey rolled his eyes.  
“Yeah, yeah. We’re going.” Gerard answered mockingly.  
The boys loaded Frank’s car with their belongings. Frank was driving, Gerard in the passenger seat. He took a deep breath before getting in the car. There was no turning back now, he was really going back home. Frank grasped his hand and held it tightly as he put the car in drive. It was a silent reminder that he was safe, Frank would protect him. 

The drive was entirely too short for Gerard. Three hours was not nearly long enough for him to prepare himself. For Frank and Mikey, though, it was much too long. They were both tired and their back’s ached. They were both relieved when they pulled up to the house.  
“Fucking finally.” Mikey yawned as they pulled into his mother’s driveway. He got out of the car and started to unload the trunk as soon as they parked.  
Frank grabbed Gerard’s hand in his, squeezing.   
“You ok?” He asked.  
“I will be. “ Gerard said.   
“My babies!!” His mother screamed, running from the door. She pulled Mikey in to a tight hug. Gerard slowly opened his door and got out of the car. As soon as his mother saw him, she let go of Mikey and made a b-line straight for him.  
“Gerard!” She grabbed him and held him tight. “Look at you! You look so grown up! Your hair is so long!” Gerard still hadn’t cut his hair since he met frank. It was just passed his chin now, and it had annoyed him at first. He hated when it got in his face and in his mouth, but Frank liked having something to pull on, and Gerard could deal with it as long as Frank kept pulling.  
“Hi mom.” He said smiling into her shoulder as she hugged him. “You’re squeezing me to death, mom.”  
“Sorry, sorry.” She said letting go of him. “This must be Frank!” She made her way to him. He stretched out his arm to shake her hand. She bypassed it completely and drew him into a hug.   
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Way.” Frank said, laughing, when she let go of him.   
“Everyone just calls me mom. All of the boy’s friends would call me mom when they were kids, it was so cute.” She giggled.  
“Mooom!” Gerard drawled, embarrassed.  
“I’ve heard so much about you, Frank.” She motioned for them to get inside. “Let’s go inside where it’s warm.” Gerard blushed, looking over at Frank who still had his mother’s arm around his shoulders.   
“Thanks for the help, guys!” Mikey yelled, dragging three suitcases behind him.  
“You’re welcome!” Gerard replied, sarcastically, as he walked into the house, following Frank and his mom closely.

Gerard sat close to Frank the whole night, catching quick glances at him as him and his mother chatted about his life. He loved that they seemed to be getting along so well. She asked Frank about his work, and about his band. She asked about his family and his likes and dislikes. Frank answered them all, happy to indulge her questions, knowing Gerard’s past boyfriends likely had not.  
“He’s a keeper, Gerard.” She whispered to him as he passed her in the kitchen when Frank wasn’t listening. He just blushed.  
She had made them a big dinner like she used to on Sunday’s when they were kids. She made turkey and homemade stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn, and a salad.  
“Frank, honey, I left butter out of the potatoes and used soy milk. I made the stuffing separately, too, and I didn’t put dressing on the salad. I’m sorry I hope that’s enough for you to eat.” She said.  
“Absolutely, thank you.” Frank said with a smile, he was flattered that Gerard had thought to mention his eating habits to his mom, and even more flattered that she remembered.   
Frank watched the brother’s stuff themselves full, both retiring to the couch after dinner. They put on a movie Frank had never seen and sat silently, just enjoying one another’s company. It was around 10:30 at night when Mikey got up and grabbed his phone and wallet.  
“I’m heading out. Jack is gonna pick me up, don’t wait up.” He said, putting on his coat.  
“And where are you going, Michael?” His mother demanded.  
“Just catching up with old friends, you know. Probably to a bar or something, I don’t know.” He said, rolling his eyes.   
“Be safe, Mikey.” She said, getting up and planting a kiss to his cheek.  
“Later.” He waved to Gerard and Frank.

“Hey man, long time no see!” Jack said when Mikey got in the car.  
“Tell me about it.” He said while buckling himself in.  
Jack drove them to a seedy bar they used to frequent when they were teenagers. They never carded them, and so they kept going, despite the fact that it was a run-down shack where all the less than desirables hung out. Mikey and all his friends were well over 21 now, but there was something about the nostalgia that kept them coming back.  
Mikey quickly spotted his friends and made his way over.  
“Mikey!” They all seemed to shout in unison.  
“You haven’t changed at all, you little shit.” Ryan said, shoving a beer in Mikey’s hand.   
Mikey rolled his eyes. They talked, laughed, reminisced - until about midnight when a familiar sordid shadow sulked in. It had long, greasy black hair. He looked like he hadn’t showered for days, and had a cigarette pursed in its lips. Mikey felt a cold chill run down his spine, he would know that slimy figure anywhere.  
“Fuck, I have to go.” Mikey said, grabbing for his coat.   
“You just fucking got here, man, what the hell?” Jack said.  
“I know, I’m sorry. Fuck. I’ll text you tomorrow, we can go out again. I just have to go now.” Mikey grabbed his jacket and headed quickly for the door. He didn’t look to see where the shadow had gone, but he knew it was around. He needed to get the fuck out, now, before it spotted him. Mikey could feel his heart beating practically out of his chest. His feet moved in autopilot, rushing himself out the door.  
He made it about four feet from the door when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was strong and gripping. He could smell cigarette smoke and day old clothes behind him.  
“What? Can’t say hi to me?” It spoke to him.  
“Fuck off, Bert.” Mikey snapped.  
“That’s no way to treat a friend, Mikes.” Bert stepped around Mikey, now standing in front of him, smirking, Cigarette hanging from his mouth. He made Mikey nauseas. He looked mostly the same, only now he had some seriously unkempt facial hair growth.  
“You’re not my friend.” Mikey said, trying to walk around Bert.  
“Ah, ah. I didn’t say you could go.” Bert put both his hands on Mikey’s shoulders, pushing him backwards. Mikey wasn’t scared of Bert, but he was scared of how Bert could manipulate Gerard if he ever found him.  
“I told you last time, Bert, I’m not telling you where Gerard is, now fuck off.” Mikey spat.  
“I don’t need you to tell me where he is, shithead. I’ll find him myself if I want him.” Bert now had Mikey backed up against the wall of the building.   
Mikey wasn’t cracking, though; he was staring Bert straight in the eye, trying to convey his seriousness, but inside Mikey was scared. Bert was unpredictable, and although he would never tell Gerard, he had done this before. When Mikey would visit he would try his hardest to avoid him, but he was always lurking around every corner like a lost puppy. And every time, Bert would question him, threaten him, try to scare him. It was always in the company of other people, though, and Mikey knew he was safe. This time was different somehow, Bert looked worse – like he hadn’t slept in years. He was alone, and Bert had a look in his eyes that said he was going to do whatever he had to to get to Gerard this time.  
“He doesn’t want you Bert, he’s moved on.” Mikey said through gritted teeth.  
“Yeah? We’ll see. He’ll always come running back to me like the dirty faggot he is.” Bert spit in his face.  
That’s when Mikey snapped, he didn’t know where the strength came from, but he cocked his fist and hit Bert right in the nose. He stumbled back, and put a hand up to his now bleeding face.  
“You’re going to regret that, Mikey.” Bert smirked at him and plowed his fist into Mikey’s face. Mikey fell to the ground, still up against the building. Bert kicked him in his ribs, earning a whine from Mikey as he fell on his side. “Where is he, Mikey?!” He yelled.  
Mikey was silent, he wouldn’t tell him. Bert kicked him again in his now bruised ribs.  
“Tell me!” He screamed. Mikey sobbed, spitting blood from his mouth as he did. Bert pulled him up by his hair and looked him straight in the eye. He pulled something out of the waistband of his pants; Mikey felt the barrel of a hand gun move up his chest slowly, and rest on his collarbone, pointing at his face.  
“Fucking tell me where he is, Way, and I won’t kill you.” Bert whispered in his ear.  
“Fuck you.” Mikey snapped back, earning another blow to the face from Bert. He fell back to the ground and Bert pressed the barrel of the gun to his temple.   
“Is he home?!” Bert yelled. “He’s fucking home, isn’t he?”  
Mikey remained silent. The last time he visited, Bert had cornered him in a bar and asked the same questions. There were too many people around, and he never dared to hit him with his friends there. Mikey had told him he was in New York and that he would never find him. Now that he was fighting back so much, taking Bert’s beating and still not giving up any information, that was all the confirmation Bert needed to know that Gerard was in the area. Mikey was trying to protect him, and he did a shitty job of doing it in Bert’s opinion.  
Bert smiled before spitting on his aching form, and walked away, pocketing the gun again.   
Mikey laid still on the cold ground for a few minutes before getting out his phone. Fuck, he can’t call Gerard, he’d freak out. He quickly dialed his mom’s number, hoping she wasn’t in bed.  
“Mikey? Everything OK?” She answered.  
“Yeah, can you get Frank? Don’t let Gerard know it’s me calling.” Mikey said, now sitting up against the wall. He wiped some of the blood from his mouth.  
“What? Are you ok? What’s going on?” She asked, nervously.  
“Yes, please, just get Frank.” He said a little too angrily.  
“Frank? Can you join me in the kitchen for a minute?”  
Frank nodded and got up from the couch where Gerard was starting to doze off.  
“Phone for you, it’s Mikey. I don’t know what’s wrong…” She said, Frank could tell she was scared.  
“Hello?” He answered.  
“Frank. You need to get Gerard out of there. Bert found me; I think he’s coming there now.”  
“What?!” Frank nearly yelled. “What the fuck?”   
“Just get him out of there. He’s got a fucking gun, Frank. He’s serious.” Mikey said.  
“Are you OK? What happened?” Frank asked, worried.  
“I’ll be fine. Just get the fuck out Frank.” Mikey hung up the phone and tried to stand. He couldn’t, his ribs were in too much pain. He texted Jack who was still in the bar with his friends.  
“Help. Out front.”   
Jack walked out, looking around nervously when he spotted Mikey on the ground, bleeding and hunched over in pain.  
“What the fuck happened, man?” He screeched, leaning down towards him.  
“It’s a long fucking story. Can you just help me get the hell out of here?” Mikey said, sighing.  
“Of course.” Jack put his arms around Mikey and lifted him up, helping to walk him to the car.

Frank set the phone down and swallowed hard.  
“Well? Is he OK?” Gerard’s mother asked, chewing on her fingers just like Gerard did when he was nervous.  
“I think so. I need to get Gerard out of here. Bert saw Mikey, and he thinks maybe he is coming here.” Frank said, starting to walk out of the kitchen.  
“Bert? His ex-boyfriend? Does Gerard not want to see him?” She questioned.  
Frank didn’t realize that Gerard hadn’t made her aware of the situation. It hurt his heard, and he didn’t have time to explain, he just walked out of the kitchen fast.   
“Gerard.” Frank said, shaking his boyfriend awake.  
“Frankie? What’s up?” He asked sleepily.  
“Come on, Gee. We need to get out of here.” Frank said, pulling Gerard up off the couch.  
“What are you talking about Frank?” He asked, wiping at his eyes.  
“Gerard, listen to me. We have to go, now.” He grabbed Gerard’s hand and pulled him through the living room. He grabbed their coats and threw Gerard’s into his arms. He pocketed his keys and wallet and walked towards the door.  
Gerard’s mom just watched, worriedly. She always had an inclination about Bert being dangerous, but she didn’t know just how much damage he could cause. She was scared now, for her son and for Frank.  
Gerard didn’t have a chance to say anything to his mom before they were out the door. As they rushed to the car, Gerard grabbed Frank’s arm, yanking him backwards.  
“What is going on, Frank?!” He yelled.  
“Please, Gee, just trust me. Please. We have to go.” He tried to pull away to get them into the car and safe, but Gerard planted his feet still.  
“Frank! Tell me what is going on.” Gerard said sternly.   
As Gerard looked at Frank for an answer, a car screeched down the road stopped in front of the Way household.  
“Fuck!” Frank yelled, pulling at Gerard, trying to get him to move towards the car.  
The shadowy figure jumped from the driver’s seat and nearly ran towards them. Gerard was turned into stone. His heart was beating through his chest, his stomach in his throat. He couldn’t move his feet. He was positive he was going to pass out. It was Bert. It was fucking Bert, he found him and he was going to kill him.   
“Gerard!” Frank yelled, trying to get him to move from where he was standing in the driveway.  
Bert wasted no time in pushing Frank out of the way with a punch to the face. Gerard was too stunned to do anything but watch as Frank stumbled backwards.   
“Miss me?” Bert asked with a smirk, and grabbed Gerard’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.


	12. Leviathan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bert finds Gerard and Frank, and changes both of their lives forever. Gerard has trouble dealing with the aftermath, while Frank seems to be taking it fairly well, that is until Gerard recoils and turns Frank away.

Bert was up against Gerard now, noses nearly pressed together.  
“Baby, I missed you so much. How could you leave me like that?” Bert asked, still gripping Gerard’s wrist tight. Frank was clutching his lip as he stood up from the ground and saw Gerard staring back at Bert, terrified.  
“Don’t fucking touch him!” Frank yelled, tripping towards them.  
Bert took two steps back and laughed at Frank.  
“Please, he wants this. Don’t you, baby?” Bert ran his fingers across Gerard’s cheek, grinning at him.  
Gerard suddenly regained his strength and slapped Bert’s hand away.  
“No!” He yelled, wrinkling his forehead. “I don’t want you, Bert! I left you!” He kept screaming, standing in the same spot.  
Frank scrambled over and took Gerard’s hand.  
“Who’s this? Your new fucktoy?” Bert spat.  
“Hey, fuck off man.” Frank gritted back.  
“Let him answer for himself, faggot.” Bert stared Frank in the eyes, fuming.  
“He’s my boyfriend. He loves me. He loves me better than you ever did or ever could. I don’t want you, Bert. I want Frank.” He took a deep breath in and gazed over at Frank. His lip was bleeding, but he was smiling.  
“You’re fucking lying! I always knew you were a liar!” Bert grabbed Gerard’s shoulders and pulled him forward. “Don’t you remember how much I loved you? Huh? How I’d spoil you and kiss you and fuck you just right?” He leaned in closer, almost touching Gerard’s lips. Gerard’s hand was still in Frank’s, holding tightly. Frank didn’t intervene, the look in Gerard’s eyes was confident and strong; he didn’t need Frank to defend him in this moment, he just needed him to keep his hand tightly in his, grounding him into certainty.  
“No, Bert. I remember you beating me, and telling me I was worthless. I don’t remember you ever loving me the way Frank does. I hate you, Bert.” He said quietly, right into Bert’s face without breaking his eye contact. Gerard was serious, he was done with Bert. He was tired of him controlling his life, even when he had been out of it for so long.  
Bert stared into his eyes for a few seconds before letting his shoulders go.  
“Fine!” Bert said, exasperated, turning away from Gerard. He put his hands on his head and seemed to think for a minute. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. God, I’ve missed you so much. Please, please give me another chance.” Bert turned back to Gerard, eyes watery. He stood far enough away to make Gerard feel safer, but he could still smell the cigarette smoke on his jacket and it made him sick.  
“No, Bert.” He said simply, gripping Frank’s hand tighter.  
Bert looked over at Frank, who was looking at Gerard. Frank nodded, and gently pulled Gerard towards the car, turning away from Bert. The way Frank looked at Gerard repulsed him. Gerard was his, he belonged to him. No one would love Gerard like he did. He had been waiting over four years to find him again, and he wouldn’t let anyone get in his way.  
“I’m sorry baby…” Bert whispered as he drew the handgun from his waistband. Gerard turned around marginally hearing his words, confused, and caught the sight. Bert had the gun pointed towards Frank’s back. Bert was crying, shaking, hand on the trigger with tentative insanity in his eyes.  
“Frankie!” Gerard screamed, pulling him down towards the ground.  
The gun went off with an ear shattering crack. Gerard stuffed his head in his lap, terrified of the scene around him, when he heard Frank shriek. “No, no, no.” swirled inside his head.  
Gerard turned his attention to his boyfriend hesitantly; he was on his side, clutching at his left shoulder.  
“Frankie?! Frank, did he hit you? Frank!” Gerard yelled.  
Bert stared at the two for a moment before running back to his car. He was a fucking coward, always was and would remain one.  
Frank was moaning in pain, curses flying from his mouth. He whined and cried, blood pouring from his left upper arm. Gerard’s mother came running from the house, towards them, ignoring Bert scrambling into his car and speeding off.  
“Was that a gunshot? What happened?!” She screamed when she saw Frank on the ground, crying. Bert was already gone.  
“Frank…Frankie, talk to me!” Gerard sobbed. He tried to gently turn him over onto his back. He saw the blood on Frank’s hand clutching at his arm and pooling around him.  
“My arm…” He whispered out through his cries. “Fucking terrible aim.” He managed to get out whilst sobbing.  
“Fuck, Frankie…I’m so sorry, oh my god, Frank. I’m so sorry.” Gerard cried, holding on to Frank.  
“Call 911!” Gerard screamed to his mother, who complied. She tried Mikey next, three times, without getting an answer.  
“Frank, please. Stay with me, Frankie. I love you. I love you. I love you.” He cried into Frank’s chest.  
“I’m with you, Gee. I’m here.” Frank slurred.

The ambulance pulled up about 10 minutes later, but it felt like a lifetime. Gerard was able to keep Frank conscious throughout the ordeal, remarkably. Gerard rode with him to the hospital in the ambulance, and his mother followed behind in her car. Gerard tried calling Mikey on his way, but there was no answer. He settled on simply texting him “ER, Frank hurt.” instead.  
It was about 5AM when Mikey walked into the emergency waiting room. At least, it kind of looked like Mikey. His face was swollen and bruised, and he was limping, with Jack holding him up. He had hospital discharge papers in his hand and a scowl on his face.  
“Mikey!” His mother squealed, rushing towards him. “What happened baby?” She asked as she helped him sit in a chair.  
“Bert, he followed me out of the bar. Wanted to know where Gee was.” He said, his head rolling back on the chair.  
Gerard was sitting a few chairs down, head in his hands, crying. “I’m so sorry, Mikey.” He sobbed out. This was his fucking fault. He almost got Mikey beaten to death, and possibly killed Frank.  
“Gerard?” A man in a white medical jacket questioned.  
“Yes!? That’s me.” Gerard jumped to his feet.  
“Frank is stable. We were able to remove the bullet. His arm is going to be fairly unusable for a while, but he will be fine.” The man said.  
“Can I see him?” Gerard questioned instantly.  
“Yes, one person at a time, though. Keep in mind, he’s on pain medication and might be a little out of it.” The man said.  
Gerard followed him down a white hallway. The smell of bleach was making Gerard sick to his stomach. He hated hospitals. He was led towards a brown door that had Frank’s name on a chart next to it. When he walked in he saw Frank lying there, pale, his eyes closed. He was shirtless, with his left arm wrapped in layers of gauze.  
“Frankie?” Gerard murmured. Frank’s eyes opened to the doorway and he smiled a sleepy smile.  
“Hey, baby.” He mumbled. Gerard rushed to his side, placing a gentle hand on Frank’s cheek.  
“Frankie…fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He cried. He placed his head on the side of the bed, deplorable.  
Frank started to stroke his hair with his good arm. “Don’t be, it’s not your fault. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Gee.”  
“I did this. It’s my fault, Frank.” His head snapped up to look at Frank in the eyes, tears streaming down his face.  
“Bert did this, Gerard. Not you.” Frank said earnestly. Gerard just cried while Frank stroked his hair.  
“How long do you have to be in here?” Gerard eventually asked.  
“Just a few days, the bullet only went in a few inches. I’ll tell you, he was a fucking lousy shot, Gee. Couldn’t kill anyone if he wanted. What did you ever see in him?” Frank chuckled.  
“Is now the time for jokes, Frankie?” Gerard said, but a smile fell upon his face nonetheless.  
“I love you, Gee. Nothing will ever make me stop. Not this, not anything. I promise.”  
Gerard crawled up on the bed with Frank and curled himself in a ball, laying his head on Frank’s torso. He listened to his heart beat in his chest. He was alive, Bert didn’t kill him. Frank was alive and that’s all that mattered.  
“Are you in pain?” He muttered to Frank, but he was asleep. 

Gerard didn’t leave Frank’s side for the six days he was in the hospital; not once. He didn’t leave to eat, to shower, to sleep. Nothing. Not that Frank didn’t protest, he definitely did. The police came to question Frank and Gerard on the second day, and Gerard timidly gave up Bert’s name as the guilty party. Mikey was at home, recovering as well, his mother by his side. With Frank and Mikey being the wounded ones, Gerard still was likely doing the worst emotionally. He tried to hide it from his boyfriend, but Frank had his suspicions. Though Gerard didn’t leave the hospital for days, he found opportunities, like when Frank was sleeping or in physical therapy, to sneak out of his room and cut himself, usually multiple times a day. By the time Frank was able to leave the hospital, Gerard’s left arm was nearly as useless as Frank’s.  
“You can drive, right?” Frank asked, handing Gerard the keys to his car. His mother had driven it over to them so they could leave from the hospital alone.  
“Yeah, I can drive, Frankie.” Gerard rolled his eyes.  
“Well I’ve never seen you drive, how would I know?” He laughed.  
Gerard wanted to say something snarky back, but he just didn’t have it in him. He was too tired, in too much pain, and feeling entirely too much guilt.  
He helped Frank in the car and buckled in. Frank only winced in pain once when he had to get the belt over his arm, so he considered it a success. Gerard did not. Every time he saw Frank struggle with a seemingly simple task, or take a pain pill, his heart broke a little more.  
When they walked in the door, they were greeted by a very enthusiastic mother, who carefully pulled Frank into a hug. Gerard walked passed them and shut himself in his old bedroom.  
“Gee?” Frank knocked on the door, a few minutes later.  
“Not right now, Frank.” He said.  
He heard Frank’s footsteps down the hallway and back into the living room. Frank assumed he needed sleep, but he was mistaken. Gerard lay on his childhood bed, staring at the ceiling. He cried silently to himself for all the pain he had caused, and wished himself dead. He had run out of space on his arm to slice, and this left him feeling more anxiety than usual. He eventually settled for a clear spot on his calf, figuring that this would be easier to hide anyway. It didn’t hurt like cutting his arms did, but it did the trick, allowing Gerard to relax if even for only a few moments. Gerard stayed in his room for the remainder of the night, tossing and turning, still not sleeping. He felt Frank come into the room around 10PM and crawl in beside him. Frank tried to wrap his arm around him, but Gerard pushed him away with the excuse that he was afraid he would roll over on his arm. The truth was that he just didn’t want to be touched, not by anyone, and especially not by the person he had hurt most.  
The next morning Gerard had his and Frank’s suitcases packed before anyone woke up. He was sitting in the living room, smoking and thinking to himself when he heard his mother come out of her room.  
“You’re up early.” She said, making her way into the kitchen.  
“Yeah. Lindsey called and woke me up.” It was half true, Lindsey had called, and she had been calling for days trying to get information from Gerard, but he never answered. The lie was that he was never asleep. “We have to get going soon, once Frank and Mikey are up.”  
She shot him a confused look, but then her face softened. “I wish you could stay longer, but I understand.”  
Gerard smiled at her and followed her into the kitchen. “Mom.” He said, stopping in the doorway. She turned around and looked at him. He walked over to her and hugged her tight. She squeezed him back.  
“I’m so sorry, mom.” He cried as she rubbed circles into his back like when he was a kid.  
“Baby, no. None of this is your fault. No one blames you.” She whispered in his ear. Gerard nodded and pulled away.  
“I love you mom, don’t forget that.” He said, and turned and walked away before she could question him. He loaded the bags in Frank’s car and stood up against it, chain smoking until the other boys were awake.  
“Gee?” He heard Frank’s voice from the doorway of the house. He turned around to acknowledge him, but didn’t say anything.  
“You want to leave?” Frank said as he walked towards him.  
“Need to get you home.” Gerard said coldly. He didn’t look at Frank, he just dropped his cigarette and stomped it out with his foot. He walked away from Frank back into the house, leaving Frank both confused and slightly hurt at his boyfriend’s emotionless tone.  
“C’mon Mikey! We have to go!” Gerard yelled through the hallway to Mikey’s room.  
“I’m coming!” He heard him yell back.  
His mother just watched as the boys filed out the door. They had been there for nearly two weeks now, but she still felt as if she had barely seen them. Gerard made his way into the car, neglecting to say goodbye as Frank and Mikey embraced his mother in hugs and promises to come back soon. Gerard knew if he said goodbye to her, he would make the same promise of visiting soon, and it would be nothing but a lie. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he would not be coming back. Not ever.  
The ride home was nearly silent, with Mikey sleeping in the back and Frank gazing out the window. Gerard just stared at the road ahead as he tried to stay awake.  
Gerard stopped at Mikey’s first once they were back in the city, dropping him off at home. His face was nearly healed and his ribs only hurt slightly. He waved at them as he walked into the building, tired and happy to be home.  
“Gerard, we need to talk.” Frank said once they pulled away from Mikey’s.  
“What about.” Gerard said, it wasn’t a question. It was an emotionless response with no interest whatsoever in whatever it was Frank needed to talk about.  
“I need help, Gee. I can’t shower, or make food or…anything. I was hoping you would stay with me for a few days…” Frank said, looking over at Gerard. Gerard made no visible reaction, only staring at the road in front of him.  
“I can’t do that, Frank. Can you call Jamia?” He said, still not looking at Frank.  
“I can, but…I want you…” Frank said, he could feel the tears starting to well in his eyes. He had lost Gerard, he was fucking gone. He was cold, unfeeling. He was breaking Frank’s heart.  
“I’m sorry, Frank. I can’t.” He responded in the same cold tone.  
“Why?!” Frank started to yell. “What is going on, Gee? Why are you acting like this?”  
“You know why, Frank. I can’t be around you, I hurt you. I’m sorry.” Gerard sighed as he pulled up to Frank’s apartment building.  
“Gee…don’t do this, please…” Frank begged, but Gerard wouldn’t crack. He wouldn’t look at him for fear of giving in. He wanted nothing more than to stay with Frank, but he couldn’t. It was over.  
“I’m sorry, Frank. I love you.” He said, still looking forward, but handing the keys to the car back to Frank. Frank cried for a few moments, not trying to hide back his sobs any longer, before getting out of the car and slamming the door. He grabbed his suitcase and dragged it towards the building. He turned to see Gerard already walking out of the parking lot, crying, and suitcase behind him.  
Gerard walked home silently. He felt no anxiety, no pain, no anger. He felt nothing, he was empty and hollow. Now that Frank was out of his life, he was detached. He had accepted his fate and was ready to cut everyone from his life. He had hurt Frank, Mikey. He hurt his mother just by being a fuck up. He wouldn’t let anyone pick up the pieces anymore, he was done. Gerard loved Frank more than he ever loved anything, and he couldn’t stand hurting him again.  
He was almost home when his phone rang again, for the fifth time today. It was Lindsey. She left a message begging him to call her back, he promptly deleted it. Once inside, Gerard set his bags down in the living room. He opened the front pocket and grabbed the pills Dr. Foster had prescribed him. He had taken only two and the bottle was mostly full. He pocketed it and sulked into the kitchen. He sat on the floor in front of the fridge, knowing he didn’t want to be too far from the alcohol, and cracked open a beer. He downed it in seconds, reaching for another one.  
Two became three, three became five, and five became ten. Gerard was drunk, plain and simple, but his mind was still full of pain.  
He heard his phone ring again, and he ignored it. Lying on the kitchen floor, he heard his phone ring again and he broke. He was done. Done hurting people, done letting them down. Done being unlovable and worthless, just like Bert said. He was a fuck up, and he had ruined people’s lives. He ruined Frank’s life and almost ruined Mikey’s. He had certainly ruined Bert’s life; he would be running for the rest of his life, or in jail if he was ever caught. It was his fault any of it happened, and he was tired. So fucking tired. He just wanted to sleep.  
The pills in his pocket had not been forgotten, and with the last few sips of beer he had left he downed a handful. Another handful. And another. Until the bottle was empty. He cried on the floor until he started to feel dizzy. The walls went blurry and his heart was pounding in his chest. He listened to the pounding, pounding, until he eventually passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so sorry.


	13. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsey finds Gerard passed out, nearly dead on his kitchen floor after barging into his apartment. Jamia and Frank rush to the hospital, only to be met with a grim perspective on the situation.

“Gerard!” Lindsey pounded on the door. “I know you’re in there! Frank’s home, Jamia told me!” She screamed. Gerard hadn’t answered any of her calls in days, and she was worried. Gerard was known to occasionally be a recluse, but he couldn’t shut himself in forever. Mikey told her what happened when Gerard wouldn’t answer her texts, and she tried to give him some time alone, but this was bordering on the ridiculous. She knew how dangerous Gerard’s mind could be, and she was worried for his own safety.  
“Gerard!” She tried calling him again and heard his phone ring from inside the apartment, but no answer.  
“Fuck.” She mumbled to herself. She lifted the doormat, where Gerard kept his spare key. She hesitantly unlocked the door and walked in. Gerard’s privacy would have to be put aside right now.  
“Gerard?” She called. “I know you’re home!” She peered in the living room, nothing. She slowly walked through the dark apartment, flipping the lights on as she went.  
“Ger…” Her words were cut short when she screamed, gazing at his unconscious form. “Fuck! Fuck, no!” She yelled, dropping to the floor of the kitchen. He was slumped on his side, surrounded by empty beer bottles and an empty bottle of pills.   
“Gerard!?” She grabbed his lifeless body, shaking him. “What did you do, Gerard?! What did you fucking do?!” She felt his head, he was warm and sweating. He was barely breathing. “No! Don’t you die on me!” She screamed, dialing 911.   
“My fucking friend took some pills; I think he’s dying please hurry!” She yelled into the phone. She held him in her lap, wiping the sweat and hair off of his face. He made no movement other than the shallow breaths he was taking. Slower, slower, he breathed. She unzipped his sweatshirt and ripped it off of him, trying to cool his overworked body down. She took in the sight of his arm and wailed harder. It was bloody and cut to shreds, obviously done recently and over several days. It must have been incredibly painful, she thought. Gerard was so strong, so fucking strong and he just couldn’t take it anymore.  
There was a knock on the door and she yelled for them to come in. The paramedics pulled her away from him, and lifted him onto a stretcher. They placed an oxygen mask on him, and started to cut his clothes off. They shoved a tube down his throat and Lindsey cried. He looked dead already.  
They loaded him into the ambulance quickly, speeding away with the lights and siren on. Lindsey watched as they took him, sobbing, dialing Jamia’s number with shaky fingers.  
“Hey did you find Gerard?” Jamia answered the phone. Lindsey sobbed into the phone.  
“What’s wrong? What happened?” She started talking quickly. “What’s going on? Is he ok?” Lindsey heard Frank ask in the background.  
“J…he fucking took some pills. They took him, the ambulance. He’s fucking dying!” She cried.   
“What hospital?!” Jamia yelled back, trying to hold Frank back from pouncing on the phone.  
“Sacred Heart…I’m driving their now. He’s dying, J! Oh my fucking god. Oh my god.” She scrambled as she got in her car.  
“Just calm down…we’ll meet you there.” Jamia said, hanging up the phone.

“What happened Jamia?! Where’s Gerard?” Frank screamed, crying.  
“Shh baby, we’re going to him. He’s in the hospital.” Jamia said, taking Frank’s hands in hers, dragging him out the door. Frank wailed, screaming the short ride there as Jamia gave him what little information Lindsey had. He should have pushed harder; he knew something was wrong when Gerard left. He fucking knew it and he let him leave anyway. He was selfish, hurt, and he probably killed Gerard.  
Frank ran into the emergency room, still crying, Jamia following on his heels. He spotted Lindsey instantly and ran over to her, grabbing her in a hug. It hurt his arm, but he didn’t fucking care.  
“Please, please tell me he’s OK…” Frank asked timidly through sobs.  
“I don’t know yet, they were pumping his stomach…” Lindsey said, wiping her own tears away.   
They waited for two hours without word. Frank didn’t know if Gerard was alive or dead. He didn’t know if he would ever be the same if he did live. Whatever he took could have given him permanent internal damage. Frank kept replaying their last conversation, only that morning, in his head. Gerard said he loved him and Frank just slammed the door shut. He was hurt, he was tired. He didn’t say it back, and Gerard might die without knowing how much Frank loved him. His chest ached, his arm ached, his head was reeling.  
It was almost midnight when a nurse finally came out with a progress report. Gerard was alive. His stomach had to be pumped twice, and he was asleep, but he was alive.   
“When can we see him?” Lindsey asked.  
“You can see him now, but he won’t be awake. We don’t know when he will wake up, if he wakes up.” The nurse said. “I’m so sorry. You can follow me to his room.”   
Gerard had tubes down his throat, and needles in his arms. He was breathing shallowly, slowly. He was pale and gaunt, with thick black bags under his eyes. Jamia held Frank as he cried in the room, hardly able to look at him.  
“Did anyone call Mikey?” Frank muttered out.  
“Fuck, I’ll go call him now.” Lindsey said, running out of the room.

“Hello?”   
“Mikes, its Lindsey.” She sighed.  
“Hey, what’s up?” He asked. Lindsey texted him occasionally, but a phone call from her on an instance other than his birthday was rare.  
“Are you home?” She asked.  
“Uh, yeah, why?”   
“Listen…It’s Gee, he’s in the hospital.” She murmured into the phone, trying not to break back down in tears.  
“What? Why?!” Mikey gasped.  
“It’s bad, Mikes…he took some pills. They pumped his stomach but they don’t know if he’ll come out of this.” She sobbed, not able to hold back her tears any longer.  
“No, no, no…fuck! I’ll be right there.” Mikey yelled and hung up the phone.  
Frank was curled up on the bed next to a sleeping Gerard, much like he had been when Frank was in the hospital, when Mikey walked in. Jamia and Lindsey were in the waiting room, trying to comfort one another and give Frank some time alone with his wounded boyfriend.  
“Frank…” Mikey said quietly.  
Frank stood up from the bed and walked over to Mikey; he hugged him tight. He smelled like Gerard, smoky and warm. He hugged him back and while a little thinner than Gerard, it was a similar motion. Frank was almost able to close his eyes and pretend it was him. Almost. His thoughts were broken when he heard Mikey whine above him.  
“He fucking promised me, Frank. He promised me he didn’t want to kill himself that night I found him in the bathroom. He promised!” He cried. Frank nodded and directed Mikey to the chairs next to the bed.  
“I know Mikey, he promised me, too. But, I think he meant it at the time. This was…different.” Frank wiped at his eyes and looked over at Gerard.   
Frank crawled back into bed with Gerard when Mikey left, about five hours later. He was still on pain killers from his run in with Bert, and had to get home before they wore off. That’s not to say Frank wasn’t, he just ignored the pain. His heart was in far too much more pain for it to compare. Lindsey and Jamia decided to take shifts staying with Frank and Gerard. Jamia was there now, holding Frank’s hand while he slept next to Gerard. Lindsey would be back in the morning.  
Frank tried to lose count of the days after day 7; it was all the same to him, but he found himself looking at the calendar constantly, hoping each day would be the day Gerard woke up. Every day he would wake up next to Gerard, who hadn’t moved and hadn’t changed. Jamia and Lindsey were getting tired, as was Mikey who was there every second he wasn’t at work or sleeping. Frank kicked them all out on day 11, telling them he would be fine alone. They were all too tired to argue, and left Frank alone for the most part, one of them visiting at least once a day.  
It was day 16 when Frank was lying next to Gerard, stroking his hair, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, that Gerard moved his lips for the first time. He continued to try making a face, but couldn’t get his muscles to work the way he wanted. Frank continued talking to him, and he watched Gerard try to respond before he fell back into his daze.  
On day 18, Gerard moved his hands for the first time. Frank had laced his fingers in Gerard’s, ready to fall asleep next to him, when Gerard squeezed back. He made no expression, no indication that he was conscious, but he gesture was appreciated nonetheless.  
On day 21, Gerard opened his eyes for the first time. They were glassy and bloodshot, and Gerard looked around the room uninterested. He wasn’t all there, and it terrified Frank to the core. The doctors kept saying he was making progress, but Frank was growing impatient.  
On day 22, Gerard spoke for the first time. It was barely audible, but he spoke.   
“Frankie” Gerard said it over and over again in a mumble.   
“I’m here baby, I’m here.” Frank said back to him, squeezing his hand. Gerard squeezed back and nodded back off.  
On day 24 Gerard opened his eyes and looked at Frank and smiled. He was still out of it, but he acknowledged him.  
“Frankie” He said a little clearer this time.  
Frank kissed him on the forehead and cried on his chest when he fell back into unconsciousness.  
It was on day 27 that Frank finally was able to grasp onto Gerard, the real Gerard. The Gerard that had left him almost a month ago. He was asleep next to him when he felt movement. Gerard was moving his arms, almost like trying to get comfortable. He whined when he tried to move and it caused him pain, making Frank shoot awake.   
“Frankie?” Gerard asked.  
“Gee? I’m here baby…” He said.  
“Love you, Frankie. So sorry.” He said, almost in a sob.  
Frank ran to the doorway and turned on the light to see Gerard looking back at him, his arms moved from there permanent place on the bed, to his chest.   
“Gee?!” He yelped, running back over and sitting on the edge of the bed.  
“I’m in the hospital…” Gerard said unknowingly, looking around the stark white room.  
“Yeah, baby. But you’re ok now.” Frank said, grasping onto Gerard’s hand.  
“I’m so sorry Frankie.” He said and held his arms out as much as possible for as weak as they were, for Frank to come into.  
“I missed you so fucking much, Gee. 27 days I’ve been here, Gee. Please don’t leave me. I love you, please.” Frank cried into his arms.  
“So sorry, Frankie. Love you.” Gerard slurred. He nodded back off to sleep, but he moved slightly throughout the night, reminding Frank that he was coming back to reality.  
The next morning Frank woke up to Gerard stroking his hair like he would do when they were at home in bed together. He was almost able to forget where he was for a moment.  
“Baby?” he shot up when he realized that Gerard was moving on his own.  
“Hey Frankie.” He said. His voice was raspy and low for being underused, but it sounded like Gerard and it made Frank’s heart flutter. “Doctor was already in here, said I’m doing well.” He mumbled, smiling down at Frank.  
“I slept through it?” Frank asked, sitting up.  
“You moved a few times but I just rubbed your head and you were back out. You need sleep.” Gerard said, laughing lowly. Frank remembered the times Gerard would sooth him to sleep by rubbing his head and stringing his fingers in his hair.  
“How are you feeling?”   
“Stiff, sore.” He said, pushing himself up to sit slightly. “The doctor said I should be able to get out of bed as long as I’m feeling up to it, but I can’t walk very far.”   
“I’ll help you.” Frank said instantly.  
“You’ve done more than enough, Frankie. You need to go home. Have you left at all? How long has it been?” Gerard asked, worried.  
“28 days today.” Frank responded, looking down. He knew Gerard would be disappointed if he knew how long he had stayed here with him.  
“You’ve been here the whole time?! Frank!” He nearly yelled, as high as his voice would allow.  
“I wasn’t going to leave you, Gee. I almost lost you. I couldn’t stand to be away from you!” He started to cry. “You almost left me, Gerard! How could you do that?!” He was sobbing at this point.  
“I’m so sorry Frank, I just couldn’t hurt you anymore…” Gerard mumbled back.  
“The only thing that would hurt me is you being gone. Please…I can’t live without you now. I can’t live the rest of my life knowing I could have had a future with you and I lost it. I don’t care about Bert or anything, I care about you. Don’t you get that?” Frank was nearly out of breath, he had been holding that in for 28 days.  
“I’m here now, Frank. I’m not leaving you now. I made a mistake. I was wrong; I was trying to protect you.” Gerard cried, voice cracking.  
“Protect me?! Fuck, Gerard!” He yelled, staring at him. “I don’t need you to fucking protect me. I put myself in this situation. I chose to be with you, and I’m choosing not to leave.”   
Gerard sobbed, guilty. Frank pulled him into his arms and cried with him.  
“It’s over now, Gee. I’m here and I’m not leaving. I promised that and I meant it. I love you.” Frank said into his shoulder.  
“I promise I won’t ever leave you like this, Frank. I’m so sorry. I love you, too.”  
“Swear?” Frank asked.  
“I swear.”

It was another two weeks before Gerard was discharged from the hospital. He had to regain the strength in his arms and legs, and make sure he could eat and keep food down. Frank stayed with him, only leaving to sleep at Gerard’s demand.   
“This feels awfully familiar.” Gerard snickered as they finally walked through the hospital doors.  
“Is now the time for jokes, Gee?” Frank snapped back, giving him a piece of his own medicine.  
“Shut up.” Gerard laughed and put his arm around Frank.   
The weather was warmer now, early April, and the trees were beginning to grow their leaves back. Gerard normally would feel apathetic about this, but he was surprisingly optimistic. Frank seemed to like the weather, stripping his jacket off as soon as he felt the warmer air. Gerard could see the tattoos on his arms, bare and beautiful, and it was more stunning than any spring would ever be.  
Frank helped Gerard into his car, much like Gerard had done a month earlier. There was an eerie silence that fell upon them as Frank got into the driver’s seat. It felt too familiar, yet so far away.   
“How’s your arm Frankie?” Gerard asked.  
“A lot better, still a little stiff in the morning, but nearly back to normal.” He said.  
“I’m sorry, again.”   
“It’s not your fault, Gerard.” Frank responded clearly.  
“I know, I just can’t help but think if I hadn’t convinced you to go with me, things would have played out differently.” He said as Frank pulled out of the parking lot.  
“Gee, you might be dead.” Frank sighed  
“Yeah…” Gerard sighed.  
“Don’t think like that. We’re safe now.”   
“How do you know that? What if Bert comes after me again? After you? He’s sneaky, they won’t catch him.” He asked.  
“He won’t…” Frank said.  
“Frank?” Gerard knew there was something Frank wasn’t telling him.  
“He’s in jail, Gee. There’s going to be a trial next month. They caught him while you were in the hospital; he was hiding out in Pennsylvania.”   
“Oh…” Gerard said, he sounded relieved. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”  
“Gee…we have to testify. I wanted to wait for you to get better to tell you.” Frank cocked a small reassuring smile at him, knowing Gerard might freak out at any second.  
“Good.” It was all Gerard could say. He wasn’t scared of Bert, he was scared of killing him in the courtroom. He fucking shot Frank, Bert would be lucky to get out of there alive if Gerard showed up.   
Gerard was done being the victim, the punching bag. He was fucking angry. He was tired of Bert being in control of his life even when he wasn’t in it. He wanted to testify, to everything. He wanted Bert in jail, or better yet, in the ground.  
“What?” Frank questioned. He assumed Gerard would panic, would be scared. He didn’t seem any of those things right now.  
“I want to testify. I want him to go away forever Frank, for what he did to me, to Mikey, to you. I’d kill him if I could get my hands on him. I’d fucking kill him!” He was nearly yelling in the car at this point. “I fucking hate him. I swear I’ll look him right in his fucking eyes and tell him what a piece of shit he is. I’ll tell the whole court what a monster he is and how much I wish he was rotting in the ground, but prison is the next best thing. I’ll tell them what he did to me, and how wrong he was. I’ll tell them.” Gerard’s face was red, he was more angry than anything else for the first time in his life and it felt good. He wasn’t the victim anymore, he would be the prosecutor. He would be the one to put Bert where he belonged, forever.  
“I love you, Gerard.” Frank said, smiling at him. “Bert was wrong, and he’s going to be in jail where he can’t hurt you anymore.”   
They pulled into Gerard’s apartment complex where Lindsey, Jamia and Mikey were waiting for him outside with balloons. Gerard hopped out of the car and nearly ran to them, taking each one into a hug individually.  
“I fucking missed you guys.” He said, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I promised no major character deaths.


	14. PS Don't Write

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard is finally home, the events of the past two months seemingly behind him - at least for the time being. Right?

“Hey mom.” Gerard answered the phone.  
“Hi baby, how are you feeling?” She asked. Mikey called her a few days after Gerard went into the hospital, but he begged her not to come. Mikey knew it would only upset her and make everyone nervous. He didn’t tell her exactly what happened, just told her he had pneumonia and that he was taking care of him. It took hours of convincing, but eventually she gave in. Trying to dodge her questions for over three weeks was exhausting, but he knew it would save Gerard years of coddling.   
“I’m fine. How are you?” He asked, he was stirring a pot of spaghetti in Gerard’s kitchen, helping him make dinner.  
“I’m well. You got a letter the other day, dear.” She said.  
“From who?”   
“I don’t know, it doesn’t have a return address.” She shrugged. “I forwarded it to you yesterday.”   
“Oh, ok. Thanks.” Gerard replied, not thinking anything of it. It was probably a card from a long lost aunt or junk mail. It happened occasionally, and she would just forward them along.  
“How’s Frank? He healing well?”   
“Almost back to normal.” He smiled at Frank. His arm was doing better every day, gaining movement and strength. Frank smiled back from the other side of the kitchen where he was chopping something. The two gazed at each other for a moment before Frank promptly stuck his tongue out at Gerard and crossed his eyes. Gerard just laughed and turned back to the stove.  
“That’s good. Tell him I said hello and that I miss you two.”   
“We miss you too, mom.” Gerard chuckled. She really loved Frank.   
“Ok well I won’t keep you, sweetie. Love you.” She said.  
“Love you, too.” Gerard hung up the phone and returned to stirring.

“How’s momma Way?” Frank asked, kissing Gerard on the cheek.   
“She’s good, said I got a letter.” Gerard said, blushing.  
“Yeah?”  
“Mmhm.” Gerard giggled. “So what is this we’re making?” He asked, stirring the spaghetti.  
“Vegan carbonara. Its wheat pasta mixed with peas and some of that fake bacon you like.” Frank smiled, pulling plates down from the cupboard carefully, trying not to hurt his arm.  
“Mmm. Sounds good. You know me so well.”   
Frank plated some of the pasta, topping them with the sauce he had been making, and set them on the coffee table. He smiled over at Gerard as they sat on the couch, getting comfortable with a blanket and a movie.  
“So, Gee…your birthday is coming up in a few days.” Frank mumbled with a mouthful of food.  
“Oh no.” Gerard replied slyly.   
“What? I’m excited. You’re not?” Frank asked.  
“Eh. I’ve never been a huge fan of my birthday. Never really had someone special to spend it with until now.” Gerard flushed as he said it.  
“Well. Now you do, so we’re going to celebrate!” Frank exclaimed. He didn’t know exactly what he had planned, but knew it would be something special. He and Gerard had been together for almost four months now, and he wanted to take the opportunity to prove to him that he was in this for the long haul. With everything the couple had been through already in their young relationship, he knew he could never have the connection with anyone else he has with Gerard. It was more than love, it was adoration and he was positive they were soulmates.  
“This is really good, Frankie.” Gerard said as he took a bite of his pasta. He liked times like these, when he was able to just live in the moment with Frank. He was learning to think about the now instead of the future and the what if’s and Frank was helping him do that.

“I love you, Gee.” Frank whispered into Gerard’s ear. They had finished their dinner and made themselves comfortable on the couch, holding each other.  
“I love you too, Frankie. So, so much.” Gerard replied, nuzzling into Frank’s neck. He breathed in the smell of cigarettes and cologne. He was warm and soft and so very flawless in Gerard’s eyes. He felt Frank’s hands rubbing circles in his back, nails scratching the skin peeking out from the midriff of his shirt. Every touch made Gerard shudder and sigh as he relaxed farther into his boyfriend’s arms.  
Frank’s hands were slowly moving up under Gerard’s shirt, feeling the warm, smooth skin underneath. Gerard started running kisses up Frank’s neck, earning tiny whines from the younger man. He gently scraped his teeth across Frank’s collar bone making him moan.  
“Fuck, you know I love when you do that.” Frank murmured, moving his head slightly to the side to allow better access to his neck. Gerard hummed against his skin and started lightly sucking a mark into the flesh.   
“Wanna make you mine Frankie.” Gerard whispered into his skin.   
“Yes, baby…” Frank answered. He put his right arm under Gerard’s legs and his left carefully under his neck. He lifted him up in his arms and started carrying him to the bedroom. Gerard had lost 20 or so pounds during the time he was in the hospital. He was easy to carry, and it made Frank’s heart hurt a little bit, but right now he was too occupied to think about it.  
“Frankie, your arm…”   
“It feels fine, Gee. Promise.” Frank winked at him.   
Frank lovingly carried Gerard down the hall and into the bedroom. He lay Gerard down on the bed, him following in top. He replaced his lips on his boyfriends, kissing and biting at his full bottom lip. Frank could feel Gerard’s hands slide down his sides, up under his shirt. His fingers were tracing the lines of the swallows on his hips purely from recollection. The thought that Gerard had the vision of frank’s body burned into memory only turned him on farther. He detached his mouth from Gerard’s and ripped his shirt over his head before going back down to lick Gerard’s neck. Gerard made a humming sound underneath him as his fingers thumbed at Frank’s belt. Gerard was trying to undo the buckle but his brain was short-circuiting. His consciousness was offline and he had no control over his movements. He heard Frank giggle in his mouth after the fifth minute of fiddling with Frank’s pants and he pulled his hands away, instead letting them rest gently on the younger man’s hips.  
Frank stood up from the place he was resting on Gerard’s torso, undoing the belt himself and gesturing a “come here” motion for Gerard to follow. He obliged eagerly, now sitting at the edge of the bed and licking his lips while watching Frank unbutton his jeans.   
“Shirt off.” Frank said, commanding. Gerard complied with his request, discarding his shirt on the floor. He was pale and glowing and so fucking beautiful in the dim lighting. Frank stepped out of his jeans and discarded them as well, taking a step towards Gerard, standing over him – hard cock only centimeters from his boyfriend’s mouth. He cupped his chin and looked down at Gerard who was staring up at him with submissive eyes.   
“Kneel.” Franks said shortly, and almost before he had uttered the word, Gerard’s knees dropped to the floor. Frank tried to suppress a giggle at Gerard’s willingness, but his pink lips were so fucking close to his dick that he couldn’t help but thumb at his bottom lip, signaling Gerard to open without another word.  
Frank pushed the tip of his cock onto Gerard’s already wet lips and felt him open up. He flung his head back, trying to keep his balance when he felt the heat of Gerard’s mouth blanket him. Gerard started slowly, licking up and down the shaft before taking Frank’s entire throbbing cock into his mouth, nose buried against Frank’s pelvis.   
“Fuck. Like you were made to suck my cock.” Frank mumbled. His legs were buckling underneath him, and all he wanted to do was drop to the floor and let Gerard suck him off, but the sight below him was too much to give in. Gerard’s lips sliding over him, his eyes glancing from watching Frank move in and out and back up to Frank’s face, his expression lustful and obedient, his hand palming at his hard cock through his jeans. Frank couldn’t help himself as he started to thrust into Gerard’s mouth, hearing him gag slightly. His motions became involuntary, demanding to fuck Gerard into submission without hesitation.   
“Gonna fuck your mouth, baby.” He uttered, seeking permission from Gerard before continuing. He felt Gerard moan around his cock and that was all the reaction he needed to start pounding into the back of Gerard’s throat. He gagged at first, but quickly relaxed his muscles and allowed Frank’s cock choke him. He breathed through his nose periodically, enjoying the feeling of being fucked like this by Frank, and of being deprived of air. Frank was thrusting erratically now, nearly shaking and Gerard knew he was about to cum. He grabbed Frank’s ass, pulling him into his throat as far as he could go, holding his breath and letting Frank jut against him. He came down his throat hot and heavy with a grunt, hips still vibrating against his face. Gerard swallowed around him, taking in every last taste before gently pulling off of Frank.   
Frank tangled his fingers in Gerard’s hair, gently at first, petting him for a job well done before he took a forceful handful of hair, guiding Gerard back up to his feet. He clashed his mouth with Gerard’s, tasting his cum on his lips. He pulled away, pushing Gerard back down in a laying position on the bed. He climbed on top of him, pulling Gerard’s unbuttoned pants and boxers down in one swift motion. “Hands above your head.” He said, looking at Gerard in the eye with a dominant expression. Gerard couldn’t get his hands above his head fast enough.   
Frank teased Gerard’s cock, barely licking the shaft and breathing over it playfully. He felt Gerard shudder underneath him as he clothed hot breath over his skin.  
“Fuck, Frankie, please…” He begged. “Frank shot his eyes up from Gerard’s crotch to his face, a silent communication making Gerard know to obey instantly. Gerard bit his lip for want to say anything farther, and Frank returned to Gerard’s cock. He took the head into his mouth painfully slowly, adding no pressure whatsoever, just grazing over it with his lips. Gerard had to sustain the groan building in his throat to beg Frank to just suck him. Frank moved his hand up to Gerard’s mouth, while placing the other firmly on Gerard’s hip to keep him still.  
“Suck.” Frank uttered, shoving two fingers in Gerard’s compliant mouth. He swirled his tongue around Frank’s tattooed fingers, sucking lightly and scraping his teeth softly. He felt Frank start to take his cock in his mouth farther, now barely sucking the shaft in. Gerard lost his focus for a moment and stopped sucking on Frank’s fingers, earning him a harder grip from Frank on his hip and a gentle shove from the fingers in his mouth.   
He sucked diligently, trying to focus on the sensations. He had gotten a good rhythm going when Frank removed the hand from Gerard’s mouth, making him whine at the loss. The whine was quickly replaced by a moan as Frank slipped his wet fingers underneath Gerard’s hips and fingered at his entrance. Gerard lifted his hips slightly to allow Frank to enter him deeper, making Frank push his hips back down with the other hand. Frank slowly pushed both fingers in, not giving Gerard time to get accustomed to the intrusion of one finger. He wanted to feel Gerard stretch around him as he sucked him off.  
Gerard cried out when he felt Frank’s fingers graze his prostate. He tried to buck his hips, but Frank’s grip was too firm. Frank started fingering up faster, brushing his prostate with every stroke. He sucked faster, harder, relishing in the feeling of Gerard coming apart beneath him. His hands were still above his head, fingers tangling in one another, trying to keep his composure. His legs were shaking slightly and Frank knew he was close. With one last thrust of his fingers, Gerard was cumming into Frank’s mouth. Frank pulled back, allowing some of the cum to drip down Gerard’s cock.  
“Look at me.” He said, cum still dripping from his mouth. Gerard placed glassy eyes on Frank as he watched him gaze back at him. Not breaking his stare, Frank licked the cum off of Gerard’s cock, licking his lips to get every last bit. Gerard moaned when Frank was done, replaying the sight of Frank licking the cum off of him when he felt the bed shift with Frank’s weight gone.  
Frank returned and cleaned them both up, lying next to Gerard, hot and sweaty on top of the covers.   
“Fuck, Gee….” Frank panted. Gerard just nodded, still in a state of haziness and afterglow, unable to speak. Frank wrapped his arm around a breathless Gerard and closed his eyes.   
Frank woke up at about 3AM, with Gerard enveloped tightly around him. He smiled to himself and pulled the blanket out from underneath them, wrapping it around their bodies. He nuzzled into Gerard’s side and breathed him in. He still smelled like sex and faintly like cigarettes. He was perfect and he loved him. 

The next morning Gerard woke up around 10:30AM, it was a Saturday and he set out to make Frank some breakfast. He had the day off from the record store, and was playing a show that night – the first one in almost two months. He wanted Frank to be rested and ready for his performance, feeling guilty that he had needed to cancel so many on his behalf.  
He pulled out the flour, the soy milk, the oil, the margarine and the sugar. He had found some really simple vegetarian recipes online that he wanted to test out for Frank, and waffles was one of them. He began mixing the ingredients, mindlessly stirring and basking in the glow of the morning after when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.  
“What time is Frank’s show tonight?” It was Lindsey.  
“9. :)” He replied in between mixing.  
“I’ll be there with Brent!” Lindsey texted back.  
“Really? Frank will be so excited!” Frank had gotten closer to Lindsey during Gerard’s hospital stay, and he was happy for it. His best friend and his boyfriend were getting a long well, and it made him smile to know she was supporting their relationship – not that he doubted she would.  
“Yup. See you there?” She replied.  
“Definitely.”   
Gerard poured a spoonful of the waffle mix into the heated form. He closed the top and wiped his hands on the sweatpants of Frank’s he stole from his dresser a few nights before. They were reaching the point in their relationship where clothes became shared, and homes became one another’s. There was rarely a night that they didn’t spend together, either at Frank or Gerard’s apartment, depending on who needed to be where and when the next day. Frank’s apartment happened to be closer to Gerard’s work, so often times the weekday’s were spent sleeping over at his house, and the weekend’s at Gerard’s.  
Gerard made his way to the front door, seeking to busy himself while the waffles were cooking. He opened the door and stuck his hand in the mailbox perched on the brick wall next to it, pulling out the letters and quickly closing it before too much cool air was filtered inside. He set the mail down on the counter as he pulled the cooked waffle from the pan and filled it with another spoonful of batter.   
Junk, Bill, Bill, Letter. Gerard picked through the mail, taking the letter aside. This must be the one that his mom told him she had forwarded. It had his name on the front and his childhood address in scratchy handwriting that seemed vaguely familiar. She was right – there was no return address. It was a white envelope, the plain kind you can buy boxes of 100 of for $5 from CVS, and it was thin, nearly see through. This definitely wasn’t a card from a long lost aunt. He turned back to the stove momentarily and pulled out the cooked waffle, replacing it with more batter. He leaned against the counter and ripped open the envelope. It was white notebook paper, handwritten words in pencil. Gerard scanned the page, eyes darting from the top to the bottom.  
“No. No. No.” He thought. He tried to calm himself enough to read the page.

 

G,  
Miss you. Lawyer says it was self-defense, Frank came after me.   
We’ll be together soon. I love you so much.   
No one comes to visit me.   
Visit me soon?  
I love you.

\- B

Gerard could smell the waffle burning and see the smoke coming from the pan, but he was frozen solid yet again. His heart was in his throat, he wanted to be sick. He was snapped out of his trance when he felt his teeth clench together, his jaw nearly cracking at the pressure. He wasn’t scared this time, he was mad. He was downright furious. How dare he say it was self-defense, how fucking dare he try and maneuver his way into Gerard’s life again with lies.  
Before he knew it his fist had plummeted into the drywall next to the kitchen doorway.   
“MOTHERFUCKER!” He screamed, clutching his fist in his other hand and staring at the now gaping hole in the wall that he would have to explain to his landlord. Frank came running, groggily, out of the room, eyes glassy but expression alarmed.  
“Gee?” He asked staring at his red faced boyfriend, voice raspy and tired. “What’s wrong?” He sniffed the air around him. “Is something burning?”


	15. My Way Home is Through You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still processing his unexpected mail, Gerard calls on Lindsey for help. Frank asks Gerard a very important question.

“Ack…son of a bitch…” Frank mumbled to himself as he tried to remove the now black waffle from the pan without burning himself.  
“Sorry, Frankie. I was trying to make you breakfast.” Gerard said, holding his hand against his chest and leaning forward against the counter.  
“It’s ok, baby. What happened?” Frank asked, now gesturing to the wall. Gerard held out his red fist and shrugged.   
“Guess I don’t know my own strength.” He chuckled, nervously.   
“Can I read it?” Frank questioned, picking the letter up from the counter. Gerard nodded and he watched Frank scan the page, each word he read his expression got more severe.   
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Frank laughed to himself. “He’s goddamn delusional!”  
Gerard just shook his head and grunted in agreement.  
“This is just fucking fantastic. Well…I guess I need a lawyer.” Frank said, smirking at Gerard. “Know any?”  
“Actually, yeah.” Gerard perked up. He quickly dialed Lindsey’s number.  
“Hey, Gee.” She answered with a mouthful of food.  
“Hey, sorry to bother you.”  
“You’re never bothering me.” She laughed. “What’s up?”  
“You’re not going to believe this, but I got a letter from Bert.”   
“What?” She gaped. “What did it say?”  
“He said he is claiming self-defense and that Frank came after him. He said we would be together soon. Whatever the hell that means.” He said sarcastically.   
“He’s obviously insane!” She grimaced.  
“I know. But listen, we think it’s a good idea if Frank talks to a lawyer. That’s where you come in.”   
“Say no more. He’d be more than happy to.” Gerard could hear her smiling into the phone.  
“You sure?” He questioned.  
“Hey, we’re not married yet and if he wants to be, he’ll do this for me.” She laughed. “I’ll text you a time when he is available to talk with you both, OK?”   
“Ok, thank you so much.” He said.  
“See you tonight, ok? Try not to dwell on it, we can all see through is insanity, the court will be able to, too.”   
“I know. Thank you, again. He said before saying his goodbye and hanging up the phone.  
“Well?” Frank asked.  
“Lindsey said Brent would take the case. She’ll let me know when he can meet with us.” He said, motioning for Frank to come to him.  
Frank sighed in relief and let himself fall into Gerard’s arms.  
“Let’s go back to bed.” Frank mumbled into his neck before pulling him down the hallway and into the bedroom.  
When the pair woke back up, it was nearly 2PM. Gerard woke up from a text from Lindsey, instructing him to meet Brent at his office the next day at noon. He wanted to question if he minded coming in on a Sunday to meet with them, but he thought it better not to question his luck. She gave him the address and told him to bring the letter and the envelope it came in. He sat up in bed and rubbed at his eyes. Frank stirred next to him and opened his eyes, looking at Gerard’s back.   
“Time’s it?” He mumbled, stretching.  
“Like, 2.” Gerard laughed, smiling over his shoulder at his boyfriend. Frank yawned. “You’re so cute when you’re sleepy.” Gerard giggled. Frank made grabby hands at him, motioning for him to lie back down.  
“We have to get up, baby.” Gerard said, despite the fact that he laid back down in Frank’s arms. He nuzzled into Frank’s shoulder and sighed contently. “I could stay here forever, Frankie.”   
“Yeah?” Frank asked.   
“Yeah. Don’t ever want to be without you anymore. Why do we even have separate apartments?” He joked.  
“Why do we?” Frank took a more serious tone, stroking Gerard’s hair.  
“What?” Gerard asked, sitting up on his elbow so he could look at Frank’s eyes. They were dark and honest. His expression was vulnerable and open.  
“Well…I was thinking. My lease renews next month, and I had two options in my head for what I could do.” Frank continued. “I was thinking about moving closer to you, so you don’t have to take the subway to my house anymore.” Gerard smiled at the idea of Frank being closer to him.  
“Or…I could renew the lease there, and since it’s closer to your work…” Frank took a deep breath, trying to read Gerard’s now questionable expression. “I was wondering if you would consider moving in with me.” He finally spit out.   
Gerard made a confused expression at Frank, trying to filter through all of the thoughts in his head.  
Oh shit, Frank was afraid of this. It just came out…he didn’t mean to push him, shit, shit, shit. “Listen, Gee. I know things went bad when you moved in with Bert and I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to. It was just a thought…I’m in no rush…” Frank was cut off by Gerard’s lips on his.  
When he pulled away, he smiled at Frank below him. “Fuck, yes Frankie, I’ll move in with you.” He said through a wide smile. Frank laughed and grabbed Gerard’s waist, pulling him down on top of him, kissing him roughly.

The couple finally made it out of bed nearing 4PM, rested and happy, but starving.   
“Ordering a pizza, baby!” Frank yelled through the bathroom door where Gerard was taking a shower.  
“Ugh, yes!” He replied, famished.  
Frank laughed and dialed the delivery number. After ordering, he turned to his guitar, strumming mindlessly, trying to prepare his fingers for the show that night. He rested his left arm gently against the neck and flipped through chords. There was a little discomfort, but nothing he couldn’t deal with. He sang along quietly, closing his eyes and losing himself in the song. When he was finished, he opened his eyes to see Gerard standing in the doorway of the living room, staring at him. His hair was wet, and he was in just his jeans, topless. Frank felt his face go red with embarrassment and lust.  
Gerard laughed and walked over to him, taking a seat next to him. “I love watching you play. You get so into it.” He smiled at him.  
“That’s embarrassing.” Frank laughed.  
“I think it’s sexy.” Gerard mewled in Frank’s ear. He kissed his jawbone, emitting a groan from the younger man. Frank’s arms went limp in his lap, his guitar only being held in position by the shoulder strap. They we’re interrupted by a knock on the door. Frank took a handful of Gerard’s hair in his hand, lightly pulling his gaze up to Frank’s. He kissed him short on the lips, rough and teasing, before getting up to answer the door.   
“Bastard.” Gerard mumbled to himself before clearing his throat and adjusting himself in his pants. He flipped on the TV while Frank was paying for the pizza.   
“Mmm. Smells good.” He said as Frank walked passed him. He stopped flipping channels when he tuned to nickelodeon.  
“SPONGEBOB!” He yelled enthusiastically.   
“Oh god.” Frank mumbled as he pulled plates from the cupboard.  
“WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?” Gerard motioned wildly intending for Frank to continue.  
“You’re a literal child.” He said, grinning as he returned with the plates.  
“You’re supposed to say SpongeBob Squarepants…” Gerard pouted.  
“Shut up and eat your pizza.” Frank kissed Gerard on the cheek, placing a plate in his lap.  
“This is a good one.” Gerard said, eyes glued to the TV.   
“Yeah, Sailor Mouth.” Frank said, plating a piece of pizza for Gerard since he was apparently occupied, his eyes now trained on the screen in front of him as well.  
“You’re so perfect, Frankie.” Gerard unstuck his vision from the TV and planted it on Frank, taking his lunch from his hands.   
“And you’re adorable.” Frank rebutted, smiling at him.  
The two ate their lunch and retired into the bedroom around 6:30PM, needing to get ready for Frank’s show.  
“I love those pants.” Gerard said into Frank’s ear as he walked passed him towards his dresser.  
“I know, that’s why I keep them here.” He winked at Gerard as he pulled them on. They were tight and black, as usual. They made his ass look fantastic, and he might have known it. Gerard sure did.   
“Pretty soon all of our clothes will be mixed together and we won’t know whose is whose.” Gerard laughed.  
“I can’t believe you’re actually going to move in with me.” Frank smiled at him, pulling a shirt from the dresser. “I was so afraid you’d say no.”   
“I could never say no to you, Frankie.” He giggled.  
“But you want to, right? I’m not pressuring you?” Frank asked, not wanting to push Gerard into something he wasn’t ready for. That was what Bert did, and he wanted to be as far away from Bert as a person as possible.   
“No, I don’t feel pressured. I want to.” Gerard sat down on the bed, slipping his socks on. “Listen, with Bert…I should have seen it coming, looking back. He was a violent person; it was only a matter of time before he turned that on me. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach before I moved in with him. I don’t get that with you, ever.” He sighed.  
“Promise?”  
Gerard stood from the bed and cupped Frank’s chin in his hands. He pressed their noses together and breathed him in. “Promise.”   
After they finished getting dressed, Gerard helped Frank load his guitar’s into his car. Gerard was going to sound check with Frank and would meet Lindsey and Brent there.   
“Got everything?” Gerard asked.  
“Think so. Hope I didn’t leave anything at home.” He laughed, shutting the trunk. “Ready?” Gerard nodded and Frank opened the passenger door for him, letting Gerard slide into the seat. Frank took a moment to look at Gerard, really look at him, as he situated himself. His arms were fairly bare now; he hadn’t cut himself since he left the hospital. By the time he had woken up from the coma, his arm was nearly healed. Frank would run his fingers up and down the scars sometimes late at night when they were lying in bed together, feeling the smooth skin that was finally free of marks. The first time Frank did it, Gerard cried. He hadn’t seen his arm so clear in years, and he could finally feel Frank’s touch there without it making him hiss in pain. The next day Frank found Gerard in the bathroom, cleaning out his bathroom of all the razor blades he had stashed in various places.   
Gerard’s hair was getting pretty long now, longer than it had been in years he said, showing Frank pictures to prove it. It was almost touching his shoulders, black and soft, and Frank loved it. When he met him, it was just long enough to curl over his ears, and Frank fell in love with how full and pretty it looked. It looked just as beautiful now, falling in his face so that his hazel eyes peaked out through the strands. Sometimes Frank would play with it while they sat on the couch, just running his fingers in and out.   
He’d put some of the weight back on that he’d lost in the hospital, about half of it in the two weeks that he had been home, but he was still 15 pounds too light from what Frank fell in love with. Frank would love Gerard at any size, but his extra thin frame reminded him of how sick he was at the time, and it made his chest hurt. He was glad to see Gerard put some of it back on already.  
“Whatcha starin’ at?” Gerard giggled, looking up at Frank who had yet to shut the door for him.   
Frank was pulled from his gaze and he shook his head. “You.” He smiled at Gerard before shutting the door. Gerard blushed and buckled his seat belt.  
“Dork.” Gerard said when Frank got in the driver’s seat.  
“Yeah, but I’m your dork.” Frank chuckled and kissed Gerard on the lips before starting the car.  
The ride to the Queen was comfortably quiet. Frank and Gerard held hands during the short trip, Gerard gazing out the window at the grass that was now returning to a less dead appearance. He was feeling strangely optimistic about the spring, even though he knew what it would bring. Gerard knew that Bert’s trial was in a few weeks, and that it would bring briefings, consultations and ultimately a testimony leading up to it. All that mattered to Gerard was tonight, though. He couldn’t force his mind to dwell on the future, even if he wanted to, which was a breath of Fresh air to him. Frank was his fresh air.  
He closed his eyes and laid his head back on the seat, he inhaled deeply, breathing in Frank’s scent. His car smelled the same it did on the day they met and Frank drove a slightly drunk Gerard out for a middle of the night veggie burger. He took a minute to appreciate the smell, letting a smile befall his lips before feeling the car shut off.  
Frank looked over to him and squeezed his hand before opening the door and slipping out. Gerard just smiled and followed suit, helping Frank to unload the trunk.  
“Hey man!” James yelled from the steel door that Frank and Gerard had escaped through on their second night together. James held the door open so they could carry in Frank’s instruments and amp head. “Hey Gee, how’re you?” James asked, outstretching a hand for him to take in his own. Gerard shook his hand.   
“I’m great, thanks. How about yourself?” He asked.  
“Living the dream.” He smirked at Gerard. “Glad we can finally get back to playing! But the break was nice.” James smiled at Frank.   
“Let’s just hope you remember how to play.” Frank remarked.  
“What, you don’t think I’ve been practicing, Frank? I’m disappointed.” James joked.  
“I know you haven’t been practicing, James.”   
“Yeah….well, anyway.” He chuckled and shut the door once they were finished unloading.   
“We’re gonna get set up, you wanna head down to the floor and keep an eye out for Lindsey and Brent? Don’t want to bore you with the technical shit.” Frank smiled at Gerard.  
“Sure. I’ll see you up there, Frankie. Good luck.” Gerard kissed Frank on the cheek and waved goodbye to him as he headed towards the hallway that lead to the stage.  
“Ooooooh.” James and Tim said in unison. Frank felt is face get red with embarrassment and turned around to flip them off.  
“Frankie has a boyfriend, Frankie has a boyfriend.” Tim mocked in sing-song as they walked towards the back of the stage. Frank smiled to himself, face still flushed, knowing they were only teasing him.

Gerard made his way through the small crowd that had gathered, mostly for the bar. He perched himself at a small, two person table in the lounge area and pulled out his phone. He scrolled mindlessly through facebook, twitter, email. He was just trying to buy time. It was about 8:30 and Pency Prep would go on at 9, meaning Lindsey should be here in just a few…  
“Hey you!” Lindsey called, Brent on her arm.  
“Hey.” Gerard smiled and stood up to hug her and Brent. “How’re you guys?”  
“Not bad. How are you doing?” She asked with a cocked eyebrow.  
“I’ll be fine. Tonight will be fun, I’ll think about tomorrow, tomorrow.” He grinned at her.  
“I like you like this, Gee, not dwelling on things. Remind me to thank Frank for you.” She laughed, taking a seat at the table.  
“Gerard, I honestly wouldn’t worry too much about this. We’ll go over everything tomorrow, but it sounds like an open and shut case from what Lindsey has told me.” Brent shot her a glance, and Gerard knew what it meant. It meant that Lindsey had filled him in on every detail, repeatedly. He had shot her that look a few times himself. “There is a no contact order filed against him for both you and Frank, and this letter clearly violates it.” Brent said.  
“Yeah? I hope so. I’m just worried about Frank.” Gerard sighed.  
“Well he has the best legal representation in New York.” Lindsey winked at Gerard, taking his hand in hers, comfortingly. Brent smiled at her. He was so in love with her, and Gerard could see it in his eyes. When he looked at her, he seemed to be looking through her, like into her soul. He hoped that Frank looked at him like that.   
“I’ll get us something to drink. Beers?” Brent asked.  
Gerard and Lindsey both nodded.   
“He really loves you.” Gerard said to Lindsey. She blushed, her eyes going towards the floor. “The way he looks at you, man, he adores you.” He remarked, smiling up at her.  
“You know, I think I know what you mean. Frank looked at you like that every day while you were in the hospital. Like you were a piece of china that needed to be coddled.”   
“Really?”   
“Yeah. It’s nice to know someone loves you that much, isn’t it?” She asked, rhetorically.  
“It really is.” Gerard remarked more to himself than anything.  
“Alright…one for you, one for you, and one for me.” Brent returned with the drinks, placing them in front of his friends.  
“Thanks, Brent.” Gerard said. Lindsey kissed him on the cheek. The lights then began to dim and Gerard knew it was just about time for Frank to make his entrance. The band filed out, and the crowd which had grown somewhat since Gerard first arrived, started to cheer.  
“Alright! This song is about sucking dick for cocaine!” Frank screamed into the mic. Lindsey choked on her beer.  
“Oh dear lord.” She uttered, laughing. Gerard giggled at her and continued to stare up at his boyfriend. He was fucking remarkable. He ran around the stage like he had endless energy, screaming and kicking while still playing the guitar. His voice was rough and raspy, just the way Gerard liked it. It wasn’t perfect, but it was distinctly Frank’s – beautiful in the most abstract way, like him. Gerard could see the sweat dripping from his forehead, and his hair matting on his face. He was lost in the music, focusing only on that moment. Gerard envied Frank in that way, how he could just let himself go and play without fear of what people would think. In a way, Frank was teaching Gerard how to do just that, however, because right now all Gerard could think of was the man on stage in front of him, and just how much he loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still enjoying this! Please leave me comments with your thoughts or questions. Also, anyone who can correctly name where each chapter name comes from wins a gold star!


	16. Make Room!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard and Frank meet with Brent to discuss the case against Bert and the impending trial. Frank surprises Gerard with the help of James.

“Hey guys, come on in.” Brent said, unlocking the front door to his office building. It was about noon on Sunday, and Brent had made the time to come in to meet with them. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and he definitely did not look like a lawyer.  
“I can’t thank you enough for doing this for us, Brent. Whatever it costs, it’s worth it to have you behind our back. This means so much to us.” Gerard said to him as they walked in with an honest expression on his face. Frank and Gerard had talked briefly, about how they would pay for his services considering they were both equally broke. Gerard had a few thousand in his 401k at work that he could pull out, and Frank had a couple hundred in savings. They would likely need to get a loan from the bank to pay for all of this, but if it meant that Bert would go away forever it was worth every penny.  
“You don’t think I’m charging you, do you?” Brent asked, leading them to his office with a smirk on his face.  
“We would never expect you to do this for free.” Frank remarked, surprised.  
“Well, I am. Anything for Lindsey’s best friend’s. Besides, what Bert did to you was horrible and I want to put him behind bars just as much as you do.” He sat behind a large wooden desk, with paper’s strewn about. He had music playing in the background, some type of light rock that Gerard couldn’t make out, but made him smile because he knew it was the same music Lindsey liked.  
“Brent…you really don’t have to do that. I mean, we’re already troubling you on a Sunday and…” Gerard drawled on.  
“It’s my pleasure, really. I may not know the guy personally, but I hate him based solely on what Lindsey has told me, and I probably would have taken this case pro-bono even if it wasn’t you guys had it been presented to me.” He smiled at them. “Did you bring the letter and the envelope?”   
Gerard was pulled from his jumbled and ecstatic mind, and pulled the letter from his pocket. “Here it is.”   
Brent studied it for a moment before laughing, nonchalantly. “This guy’s a fucking idiot.”   
Frank and Gerard laughed in unison.   
“The first thing I notice is that this letter wasn’t sent through the prison, or it would have its return address on it, they make sure you know when you’re getting a letter from a prisoner.” He shook his head in disbelief. “He had someone sneak this out and send it, likely because he knew there is a no contact order on him. He thought he was being sneaky, but he was pretty shit at it.”   
“Yeah, he’s pretty shit at a lot of things.” Frank cocked an eyebrow and pointed to his arm, eliciting a playful scowl from Gerard.  
“The second thing I notice is that he said they are going to try and play the self-defense card. No respectable lawyer that I know of would go with this, for a few reasons, the main being that the bullet entered from the back of Frank’s arm, meaning that he was turned around when Bert shot him. That makes it obvious he wasn’t going after him, like he claims. This would result in an almost immediate suspicion of guilt, and no lawyer would bother trying it. It’s not going to work.” He continued. “I’m going to assume, based on what I know, they’re going to try and plead insanity, which honestly, wouldn’t be a stretch based on what I know.”  
Gerard and Frank nodded, agreeing.   
“That would be good, right?” Gerard asked.  
“Yes and no.” Brent said. “Good because it’s fairly clear, and it would be easy for a jury to convict him. Bad, because insanity cases typically get much lower sentences in far less secure facilities, like a mental hospital until they are deemed rehabilitated.” Brent said rehabilitated with air quotes as he spoke.  
“So, what do you think we can do?” Gerard questioned.  
“Honestly, the only thing we can do right now is wait. We need to wait to see if more letters come, and if they do I need you to bring them to me immediately. I’ve assigned myself to the case in the court, and I expect they’ll call me to schedule a briefing with Bert’s lawyer in the next few days. Until then, we just need to focus on preparing the testimony.” He continued.  
“You can help us with that, right?” Frank asked.  
“That’s what I’m here for.” He smiled at them. “Don’t worry too much; this case won’t end without Bert going to jail or in a mental hospital where he can’t hurt you. What we need to focus on is how long we get him to stay. We want this sentence to be as long as possible, and that’s where our testimonies come in.”   
Gerard smiled at Frank, feeling much more content with their situation than he did the day before.   
“Thank you, Brent, so, so much…” Gerard said. “You have no idea what this means to us.” Frank nodded in agreement.   
“It’s no problem at all. I’m glad I can help. I hope I was able to ease some of your concerns, at least, for now.” He responded.  
“Absolutely you did.” Gerard said, standing from his chair. He took Frank’s hand in his, squeezing reassurances.  
Brent stood up from his desk and walked around the wooden frame. He outstretched his arms and gave Gerard a quick hug, followed by one for Frank. “I am so sorry that this happened to you. We’ll get through this together, and you’ll never have to think about that asshole again if I can help it.” Brent said. It was the first time he had really seen the compassionate, friendly side of him; the side that wasn’t the lawyer or the business man, but a person. This was the man Lindsey fell in love with, and she made a respectable choice. Gerard could not be happier for her than he was in this moment. “Oh! And a happy early Birthday, Gerard!” Brent smiled as they headed towards the door, he had almost forgotten his birthday was in two days.  
Gerard and Frank said their goodbye’s and headed towards Frank’s car in the parking lot. Frank stopped when they reached the passenger door and pulled Gerard into his arms. Gerard could feel Frank’s tension rolling away as he held him, both sighing relief into each other with each second that passed. When they finally pulled away, Frank had tears in his eyes.  
“Oh, baby, you’re crying…” Gerard uttered, concerned. He gently wiped the area under Frank’s eyes with his thumbs to clear the moisture.  
“I’m sorry.” Frank mumbled as he tried to pull himself together, wiping at his face. “Just overwhelming, you know? I was so worried about how this would affect you, and you seem to be doing OK, but the reassurance from Brent was just such a relief.” He sighed.   
“I know how you feel. I was so nervous when I read that letter. Self-defense my ass. I was afraid it would scare you.”   
“It did. It does still, somewhat, but Brent is right and I really needed to hear that from him.” Frank smiled up at Gerard who was still cupping his face in his hands. “I love you.” He said looking into his eyes.  
“I love you too, so much.” Gerard replied, pressing their foreheads together. They both sighed in unison and let go of one another, motioning to get in the car.

 

“Nervous?” Frank asked, fixing Gerard’s hair on Monday morning. Gerard was returning to work for the first time in almost two months. For all he knew he was replaced, or the building burnt down or something. But, he assumed that wasn’t the case when his boss called him last week and asked when he would be ready to return. He thought about saying never, but that was just the laziness talking.  
“Nah. I’ve been there for years now, nothing to be nervous about. Tired, though, sure.” He chuckled. It was 7:30AM and Gerard hadn’t woken up this early in weeks.  
“You look cute.” Frank remarked when he was done toying with Gerard’s hair. He had pushed it back with his fingers and behind his ears, out of his face.  
“Thanks for getting up with me, Frankie.” Gerard kissed him on the forehead.  
“Of course. Is it still OK if I go to your apartment and bring over those boxes you packed yesterday while you’re at work?” Frank asked. He and Gerard had packed a few things yesterday afternoon after they met with Brent. They were things Gerard didn’t need immediately, and he could get out of the way. Gerard gave him a key to his so he could move things as needed.  
“Sure. Just be careful with the books. It’s heavy and I don’t want you hurting your arm.” Gerard said smiling to him.  
“I’ll be fine, baby. I love you. Have a good day, I can’t wait to hear all about it when you get home.” Frank said, kissing him on the lips.   
Gerard said his I love yous’ and goodbyes’ to Frank and headed out. It was definitely a spring day, a little cloudy, fairly temperate with a nice breeze. Gerard had requested to walk to work, turning down multiple offers from Frank to drive him in. It had been weeks since he walked anywhere, and he enjoyed the quiet time to day dream. Gerard didn’t feel overheated at all today, and he had forgotten what the weather was like around his birthday – it was nice. He was wearing short sleeves out in the open, for the first time in years, and the moderate air around him felt good on his skin.  
Gerard quietly slipped in the front door, trying to skirt passed anyone noticing him. He successfully made it into his office, shutting the door behind him. He inhaled the smell of old books and paper. The smell was always stronger after coming back from the weekend, and this extended absence made it even more amplifying. He hadn’t realized, but he had really missed being here.   
Gerard sat behind his desk and turned his computer on, muting the sound so that no one would catch on to his presence; the fewer questions he was asked the better. There was a timid knock on the door, followed by a wave through the little window. Gerard waved his hand signaling for the person to come in. Oh boy, here come the interrogations.   
“Hey, Gee. How are you feeling?” He asked. It was only his boss, Jason. He had given Jason some of the details, but not all of them. He was an older man, but very understanding. He had hired Gerard when he first came to the city as a junior editor and taught him a lot of what he knows. Gerard considered his relationship with Jason to be great as far as a boss and employee was concerned.  
“Much better, thanks.” He responded, smiling at Jason who was now sitting on the edge of his desk.  
“We missed you.” He said earnestly, putting a hand on Gerard’s shoulder.   
“I missed being here; it feels good to be back.” Gerard replied, twirling a pen between his fingers and lightly rocking in his chair.  
“I’ll let you get settled and back into the swing of things before I throw projects at you. I’ll try to keep nosy people out of here for a bit, OK?” He said, now standing up and walking towards the door, smiling.  
“You’re the best, Jason.” Gerard called after him. It really did feel good to be back.

 

“Thanks for helping me out with this, man, I really appreciate it.” Frank said as he filled a box carefully with comic books.  
“Anytime. “ James smiled at Frank, taping up a box of his own.  
“I hope Gerard is surprised when he gets back to my place tonight. I don’t want to overstep my boundaries or anything, but I want him to feel like its home, you know?”   
“I get that, I’m sure he’ll love it. He seems pretty easy going.” James replied.  
Frank nodded, pulling more books down from the shelves. “Make sure you mark those as bottom shelf, he has, like, a whole system for them or whatever.” Frank flapped his arms wildly.  
“I know, dude. You told me like twice already.” James laughed, waving a black sharpie.  
“Sorry, sorry.” Frank shrugged, embarrassed.   
“You really love him, huh?” James questioned, amused at Frank as he stood on his tippy toes to reach the top shelf.  
“I really do.” He smiled to himself.  
“Well, he does seem to make you happy.” James remarked, now moving on to a new box.  
Frank just nodded silently, agreeing. “I hope that patch job in the kitchen holds OK.” He mumbled.  
“Eh, I’m sure it will be fine. Kid knows how to pack a decent punch, though.”   
“Right? I didn’t know he had it in him.” Frank laughed.  
“How is he doing now?” James probed.  
“He seems pretty great, actually. I mean, obviously the whole ordeal took a lot out of him, but he seem optimistic.” He shrugged.  
“That’s good. How about you? How are you doing?” James stopped what he was doing to look at Frank with concern.  
“Honestly?” Frank stared at James. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been.” He laughed.  
“That says a lot coming from a guy who just got shot.” James laughed, returning to his box. “It’s pretty badass, you know. You still have to show me that scar.”  
“Yeah? I guess it is.” Frank giggled.  
The two packed James van with boxes and both of Gerard’s bookshelves. Gerard thought Frank was just getting the few boxes he had already packed, but Frank wanted him to start seeing Frank’s home as his own, and he knew the most important thing to him was his books. Frank had already cleared the spots around his TV in the living room after Gerard left for work, so when he got home he could set them up to surprise his boyfriend. God, he hoped he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries. 

Gerard walked happily out of the building, seeing Frank’s car waiting for him out front. He had a fairly laidback day, no one bothered him and he eased back into his work well.   
“Hey Frankie.” Gerard remarked, getting into the passenger seat.  
“Hey baby, how was work?” Frank asked, planting a kiss to his cheek.  
“Really good, actually.” He smiled at Frank as he pulled away from the building.  
“Glad to hear it. Anyone give you the third degree?” He joked.  
“Nah, actually, Jason did a good job of keeping the questions at bay.” Gerard smiled at Frank, contentedly.   
Frank and Gerard drove silently, Gerard just contemplating the day and feeling comfortable, while Frank was secretly freaking out a little. Frank shot Gerard a look when they pulled into the parking lot that he thought was benign, but it was actually full of anxiety.  
Before Frank unlocked the door, he inhaled sharply and shut his eyes tight. Please don’t let this have been a mistake…  
Gerard walked in, not noticing the change to the living room at first, but when he looked up from his feet, he saw his bookshelves, now perched next to either side of the TV. His books and movies were perfectly placed where they were in his apartment, in order and all. The shelves had been dusted (something Gerard had been neglecting for…oh, months or so…) and his knick knacks that had been haphazardly placed in his house, were now all facing forward and set up symmetrically.   
Frank stared at him as he took in the state of the room, trying to wait patiently for his reaction.  
“Frankie…” Gerard said, walking over to the shelves, and placing a hand on the side of one of them, feeling the smooth wood.   
“Listen, Gee…If I went too far…” He stuttered. “I just wanted to surprise you, I know how important your books are.”  
“You did this yourself?” Gerard asked, turning to him.  
“James helped me, I asked him yesterday if I could borrow the van and he offered to help. We patched the hole in your kitchen, too.” Frank said. “I just know how significant these are to you, and I thought it would be the first thing here that would make it, you know…home.”   
“I love it.” Gerard said, smiling widely.  
“Really?” Frank grinned, stepping towards him. “I was so afraid I might have went too far. Did I set everything up OK?”  
“Yes, Frankie…it’s perfect. Where did you put your movies and everything else that was around the TV?” Gerard questioned, grabbing Frank by the waist.  
“Moved them to the room, so we can watch movies in bed together. I have another surprise for you in there, too…” Frank said, taking his hand and leading him down the hallway. Frank opened the door to his room and pulled Gerard to his dresser. He opened two drawers on the right, half of the dresser, and revealed them to be empty. “These are yours now, I donated some of my clothes that I never wear, and I put some in the closet. There’s space in there for you now, too.”   
“Frankie, you’re amazing, you know that?” Gerard remarked, pulling Frank by the hand towards the bed.  
“Well, I thought maybe this would be a good start to making this feel like home.” Frank winked at him, now comfortably in his arms lying sideways on the bed.  
“I would feel at home wherever you are. You’re my home, Frankie.” Gerard kissed Frank on the lips, and the rest of the night was history.


	17. This is the Best Day Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Frank have in store for Gerard's birthday?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for this update taking as long as it did. I lost someone very important to me by suicide recently and it has made both writing this story and updating it difficult. Thank you all so much for your patience.

“Good morning birthday boy.” Frank awoke Gerard with a soft kiss to the lips. Gerard groaned and tried to roll over and back to sleep.  
“Ah, ah, ah. No sleepy. Time to get up.” Frank cooed.  
“Ughhhhh…” Gerard grunted into the pillow. Frank rubbed his back, giggling at his childishness. “Fine.” He said, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes.  
“It’s your birthday, it’s your birthday!” Frank said in a sing song voice, bounding up and down on the bed. Gerard laughed despite his exhaustion and allowed Frank to tease him.  
“Yep. That it is.” He said simply. Frank laughed and hopped off the bed, with far too much energy at this ungodly hour in Gerard’s opinion.  
“Made you breakfast.” Frank said, putting his hand out for Gerard to grab. He pulled him off the bed and led him to the kitchen. The air smelled like coffee and toast, maybe bacon?  
“Smells really good, Frankie…” Gerard said, still groggy. Frank sat him at the chair to the kitchen table. The table that they rarely used was set up with a plate of pancakes, toast, pot of coffee, eggs and bacon.  
“Is this real?” Gerard asked, picking up a piece of bacon.  
“Sure is. Only the best on your birthday.” Frank said, smiling.  
“You spoil me, you know.” Gerard giggled at his boyfriend, plating his food. “Oh my god and scrambled eggs, too. You know me so well.” He remarked, taking a spoonful.  
Frank watched him eat, making a plate of his own – minus the bacon and eggs, and saw Gerard make a face when he bit into the bacon.  
“So salty.” He laughed. “Guess I got used to the fake stuff.”  
“It’s better for you!” Frank exclaimed.  
“True.” Gerard agreed, eating the rest of the too-salty bacon without any complaint.

“I’m too full to go to work now.” Gerard said as he slowly grabbed his shirt from the dresser.  
“But you gotta.” Frank said, pulling on his pants.  
“Can’t we just stay home? It’s my birthday.” Gerard whined, flopping backwards on the bed, shirt in hand.  
“Nope. I gotta work, too. You know that. Plus it’s your birthday; you never know what surprises might be waiting for you there.” Frank winked at Gerard.  
“Yeah?” Gerard sat up and cocked an eyebrow at Frank who was now sitting next to him, pulling on his shoes. Frank shrugged with a smirk on his face.  
Gerard continued to pull his shirt over his head and ran his fingers through his hair, out of his face. Frank stared at him as he fingered his hair.  
“God, love that hair. So sexy. I just want to pull on it.” Frank said, eyes dark and biting his lip.  
“Why don’t you?” Gerard responded slyly.  
“Ugh, we have to go to work, don’t tease me like that.” Frank sighed, adjusting himself in his pants. Gerard giggled and got up from the bed, now fully clothed and ready for work.  
Frank drove him there, holding his hand on the way. “Here, this is for you. Don’t open it until you get in the building.” Frank said, holding out a folded piece of paper.  
“What?” Gerard asked, confused.  
“Trust me.” Frank said, smiling at him. “I love you, have a good day, baby.” He kissed him on the cheek and Gerard opened the door, sliding out and waving to Frank.  
Gerard made his way into his office, piece of paper in hand. He opened it immediately when the door was shut. He unfolded the small paper, revealing Frank’s handwriting.  
Happy Birthday!  
This is a day full of surprises, so hang on tight and your first surprise will be here soon!  
I love you!!  
-xoxoF

Gerard blushed, knowing Frank must have spent a ton of time setting this up. He sat at his desk, wondering when the net thing would arrive. Shit, would he even realize it? What if he didn’t follow them right? He tried to push the thoughts out of his head and just focused on how happy Frank made him. God, he was fucking perfect.

“Everything set up?” Frank texted Lindsey once he got into the record store.  
“Yup. Jamia is going to cover for me at lunch.” She responded.  
“You’re the best. :)” He replied.

“We still good for today?” Frank now texted Mikey.  
“Yeah I’m good. Will be there at 5.” He responded.  
“Thanks, Mikes. :)” Frank replied. Everything was falling into place.

It was around 10AM when there was a knock on Gerard’s office door. He was pretty engrossed in his work at this point, and had nearly forgotten about the Frank’s plans. The person knocked again and he was pulled from his trance.  
“Come in.” He yelled.  
“Gerard Way?” The person asked, holding a large bouquet of flowers and two balloons.  
Gerard felt his face blush and he stood from his desk. “Uh, yeah...” He replied, smiling.  
“Happy birthday!” The delivery man said as he handed Gerard the flowers carefully. They were white lilies, his favorite, with sprigs of red roses mixed in. Gerard was a sucker for romantic gestures like this; flowers aren’t just for girls, you know. There were two balloons tied to the vase, one red and one white. Gerard plucked the card off of the bouquet and opened it to reveal more of Frank’s handwriting.  
Roses are red  
Violets are blue  
I suck at poems  
But I love you  
\- xoxoF

Gerard giggled at the adorable poem, he could imagine Frank standing at the counter in the florist, trying to figure out what to write and eventually just saying fuck it. He set the vase down on his desk and adjusted some of the flowers so they were arranged just perfectly. He inhaled the scent and smiled to himself. He quickly got absorbed back into his work, but glanced up at the arrangement every so often, feeling his heart flutter.

Around noon, he heard another knock on the door. This time he didn’t have a chance to see who it was before they opened up and came in.  
“Happy Birthday!” She yelled, enthusiastically. It was Lindsey, holding two bags of food and drinks.  
“What are you doing here?” Gerard smiled and got up from his desk, grabbing the bags from her hands before she dropped them.  
“I thought we’d have a birthday lunch together.” She declared, setting the drinks down and sitting at the chair opposite his desk.  
“Frank put you up to this?” He asked, knowingly.  
“My lips are sealed, Gee.” She said cunningly.  
She pulled out two containers full of food from Gerard’s favorite restaurant in the area, a small restaurant that had the best Italian food. She brought him exactly what he would order – Chicken Picante with handmade spaghetti.  
The two chatted for a while as they ate, Lindsey remarking at the gorgeous flowers he had received earlier. It was around 1 when Lindsey said she had to get back to work before Jamia had an aneurysm trying to cover for her. She handed him a folded piece of paper, like the one he received that morning, before kissing him on the cheek and heading out the door.  
He opened it up instantly, revealing Frank’s handwriting, again.

 

I hope you enjoyed your lunch, baby.  
I didn’t even have to bribe Lindsey, she said she’d do anything for a free lunch. Good to know for the future in case we need an alibi. ;)

\- xoxoF

Gerard laughed, now imagining what they could ever need an alibi for, especially knowing that Lindsey would make a terrible one – she was all sweeping gossip and she would spill all their secrets before she even realized she was doing it. He sat back in his chair, ready more for a nap than the second half of his work day.  
He eventually did get back to work, though, powering through his day before leaving the office promptly at 5PM. He expected to see Frank waiting for him out front, but he wasn’t there. Mikey’s car was waiting for him at the curb, blasting black Sabbath – nothing uncommon.  
“Mikes?” Gerard asked, opening the passenger door.  
“Hey, Gee. Get in.” He said, motioning for him to sit. Gerard complied, and sat in the passenger seat, giving Mikey a confused look.  
“I have been given specific instructions to give you absolutely no information. So don’t try it.” Mikey said stoically, pulling away from the building.  
“Aww, come on Mikey, just tell me. Tell me where we’re going?” He teased him.  
“Nope.” He shook his head. “It’s nice to see you showing your arms again, I don’t think they’ve seen the sunlight in years.” Mikey joked, changing the subject and expression still neutral.  
“Ha-ha.” Gerard mocked, sarcasm dripping from his mouth. “But yeah, it does feel nice.”  
“I’m proud of you, you know.” Mikey remarked, now glancing over at Gerard in between looking at the road in front of him. Gerard could see that flash of compassion in Mikey’s eyes that he had grown to know in the past few months and it made him feel safe.  
Gerard just beamed, proud of himself, too. “Thanks, Mikey.”  
Mikey pulled up to the curb outside of Cole’s, the bar where Gerard met Frank.  
“Wanna have a drink with me?” Mikey asked, like Gerard was in any position to say no – not that he would.  
“Definitely.” He settled on.  
Mikey and Gerard walked in the bar which was really, very empty. It was a Tuesday afternoon, after all.  
“What can I get you?” The bartender asked.  
“Beer.” Mikey said, pulling out his phone and a pill bottle.  
“Same, please.” Gerard responded, smiling politely.  
“Rude.” He remarked to Mikey when the bartender turned around to get their drinks. Mikey just rolled his eyes and popped what was, Gerard assumed, to be an asprin.

“I gotta go, man.” Frank said, quickly packing his things up in the record store. It was 5:00 and Mikey should just be getting Gerard now. Bob was late to work, which would have been a problem had Mikey not been getting Gerard for him.  
“Alright, see ya.” Bob remarked, waving at Frank who was now rushing out the door.  
Frank walked to his car hurriedly. He still had to get home and get changed before meeting Gerard. Lindsey had texted Frank after getting back to work to let him know everything went well, and that Gerard enjoyed his lunch. Apparently the flowers were beautiful, and Gerard said he had been very surprised when they arrived.  
Frank got to the apartment in record time, running up to the door and unlocking it. He changed into the pants he knew Gerard loved on him, and a black button up shirt. He paid special attention to his hair, making sure it looked at least somewhat put together, and not like he just rolled out of bed. He took a moment to pick up the small wrapped box that was Gerard’s gift and studied it. God, Frank was nervous. It’s not like he was proposing or anything, but this gift was special, and he was both excited and terrified about giving it to him.  
Frank placed candles around the bedroom for when they returned from dinner, ensuring that everything was set up perfectly for when he presented Gerard with his gift. He glanced at the time and knew he had to get going if he wanted to beat Gerard and Mikey there. Frank took a deep breath and pocketed the small box before walking out the door.

“Time’s it?” Mikey asked Gerard in between sips of his now third beer.  
“Uh, 6:15.” He replied, looking at his phone.  
“Shit we gotta go.” Mikey said, waving for the bartender to bring them the bill.  
“Where we goin?” Gerard asked, not really expecting an answer. Mikey didn’t give him one. Gerard asked two more times during the short walk to the car, and once again on the drive to…wherever they were going.  
“Oh my god. Shut. Up.” Mikey finally said, trying not to laugh.  
“But I’m so impatient, Mikes!” Gerard whined.  
“How are you the older brother?” He joked, now pulling into a small parking lot off of a busy street in a part of the city he rarely visited. Gerard thought he recognized the parking lot, but couldn’t place it. He knew he had been here before; something about it was so familiar yet so hazy.  
He looked around, taking in his surroundings once he got out of the car. He looked at the buildings next to him but nothing seemed to ring a bell. He looked at the busy street ahead of him, through the parked cars. There was a figure dressed in black, standing with its hands in its pockets and leaning up against a street lamp. God, that street lamp…he’s seen it before. Gerard tried to focus on the shadow leaning there, but he was just too far away. As Mikey followed his heels, he darted his eyes left and right to try and cross the street. He accidentally stepped out in front of a car trying to pull away and got flipped off. He was embarrassed, slightly, until he noticed the leaning shadow was laughing.  
“Frank?” Gerard mumbled to himself. It came back to him, the night he almost got himself hit by a car when he had met Frank.  
It was Frank leaning up against the lamppost. The parking lot…it was the lot they parked in the night they met, when Gerard was kind-of sorta more drunk than he let on and Frank took him for a burger. The café looked different in the daytime, and there was a lot more traffic. But, this was unmistakably it.  
He dashed across the street as soon as the traffic would allow it and found himself in front of his boyfriend, smiling up at him, face still red and breathless from laughing.  
“Frankie!” Gerard exclaimed and pulled him into a hug.  
“Happy Birthday, baby.” Frank said into Gerard’s chest as he embraced him. Mikey finally caught up to Gerard and nodded at Frank.  
“Thanks, Mikey. I really appreciate it.” Frank said, now pulling away from Gerard, but entangling their fingers together.  
“You got it. Have fun, kids.” Mikey said, throwing Gerard a grin before heading back to his car. Gerard and Frank rolled their eyes in unison.  
“Ready?” Frank asked, leading Gerard inside.  
“Always.” Gerard replied.

When they walked in, the hostess immediately nodded to Frank knowingly, and led them to the same table they sat at when they came here together for the first time. Both men sat in the same spots, and ordered the same things. It was almost five months later, but it felt like a lifetime ago. So much had happened in the time between them meeting and the present. Gerard almost wanted to cry with how overwhelmed he felt. It wasn’t a bad overwhelming, but a loving type of overwhelming. He felt adored, and cared for. And in return he adored and cared for Frank; he wouldn’t know what to do with a life that didn’t involve Frank and he couldn’t imagine his life without him anymore. His future always included him in some way, and it both scared and thrilled him.  
Their dinner was filled with mostly contented silence and lustful gazes. Gerard was contemplating his future with Frank and how incredible he made him feel, while Frank contemplated how beautiful Gerard looked right now. They held hands across the table, shuffled feet against each other’s legs, and giggled like teenagers throughout. Frank was almost sad it had to end when they left and headed home – almost.

“Today was incredible, Frank.” Gerard remarked, walking in the door of Frank’s apartment.  
“You deserved a birthday full of surprises.” He replied, smiling at Gerard and leading him to their bedroom. It was now nearly 10PM, and they were both tired and ready to watch bad TV in bed. There was just one little thing Frank needed to do, first.  
Frank opened the door to the bedroom, and revealed plenty of candles on top of every available surface. Gerard blushed and sat on the bed, watching Frank light each one and then turn the lights out. The room glowed beautifully, lighting up every soft feature of Frank’s face as he sat down on the bed with Gerard.  
“You made my birthday perfect, Frank.” Gerard said, taking Frank’s hand in his as he sat across from him, cross legged.  
“I hope so.” Frank said, his expression nervous and his heart pounding in his chest. “I have…one last thing for you.”  
“Yeah?” Gerard questioned.  
“Well, I wanted to show you how much I love you, and I know we have only been together for a little under five months, but I know my future is with you, and I wanted to promise you that.” Frank pulled the small box from his pocket. He handed it to Gerard who opened it slowly, revealing two small silver bands.  
“Frankie?” Gerard asked, surprised.  
“I’m not proposing after only five months, don’t worry.” He laughed. “But, I wanted to promise you that no matter what, I’m in this forever. I’m not leaving you, and one day, if you’ll have me, we’ll get married and grow old together. We’ll fight like couples do, and laugh and cry and spend our lives eternally happy.” Frank exhaled. “These are promise rings, one for you and one for me. Both are engraved with our names, and we can wear them on our right hands.” He said. “If you want to, of course.”  
Frank proceeded to take them out of the box for Gerard, and slipped one on his right ring finger, smiling down at it. It shone brightly against his dark tattoos, making it obvious that he belonged only to Gerard. The metal felt cool against his skin, a permanent reminder of where his heart resided. He held the second ring in his hand as he watched Gerard’s expression. Frank bit his lip, waiting, impatiently.  
“You want to marry me one day?” Gerard asked.  
“I’d marry you today if you asked. I probably would have married you the night we met.” Frank answered honestly, laughing.  
“I love you.” Gerard said, grabbing Frank’s hand holding the ring, and pushing it on his right ring finger. “I promise, I will be marrying you one day.” Gerard said before pushing Frank down on his back, lying flat on the bed. He kissed him deeply, tangling their right hands together, rings clacking against each other.  
Frank pulled away for a second in between mouthing at Gerard’s lips. “Happy birthday, Gee.” He whispered before smashing his lips back against Gerard’s.


	18. How it's Going to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to reality, Brent brief's with Bert's attorney, Richard while Frank and Gerard finish the move.

“Brent Russell, It’s been a long time since I had the pleasure of having a case with the likes of you.” A stern, sarcastic voice answered the phone.  
“That’s kind of an overstatement, Richard, don’t you think?” Brent replied, already annoyed.  
“What, didn’t you miss me? Our cases are always exciting, you must admit. Calling to invite me out for drinks?” Richard retorted.  
“Cut the bullshit, Richard, you know why I’m calling. Mind telling me why your client, who has a no contact order by the way, is harassing my clients with threatening letters?” He spat.  
“Oh cry me a river.” Richard laughed. “My client sent his boyfriend a letter, big deal. It was hardly threatening.”   
“Boyfriend? Are we talking about the same case here? He threatened my client, shot his actual boyfriend and nearly beat his brother to death and you think love letters snuck out of prison are acceptable!?” Brent was furious, nearly yelling into the phone.   
Richard laughed boisterously “Brent, really, it was harmless. I saw a copy of it after you turned it in to the judge. Seemed pretty innocent to me. Sounds like Frank came after him and he had no choice but to shoot him based on my conversations with him.”   
“The bullet entered from the back, you pompous shit-stain! You’re not seriously trying to play the self-defense card here?” Brent put his hand on his forehead, squeezing the skin on the bridge of his nose. He knew Richard was just trying to irritate him, he wouldn’t be stupid enough to actually use that as a defense, but he was not in the mood for mind games.  
“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. We’ll see at the briefing on Monday won’t we?” Richard responded coolly.  
“We will. In the meantime, keep your client in check. I don’t want any more threatening mail going to my client’s, or we will take this to federal.” Brent shouted and slammed down the phone.  
“Motherfucker.” He mumbled to himself, putting his head in his hands.  
“Everything OK in here?” A mousy voice questioned.  
“Yeah, fine. Thanks.” Brent mumbled, and his assistant was on his way back out the door.

Gerard was sitting at the kitchen table, Saturday morning, with a cup of coffee in front of him. Frank was in the shower getting ready – the two were moving the last few things out of Gerard’s apartment today. Gerard was playing with his ring, twirling it in his fingers, reading the inscription over and over again and feeling his heart flutter each time. He was so lucky to have someone like Frank, especially now, when his life had particularly gone to shit. The briefing was on Monday morning, and although Gerard and Frank didn’t have to attend, they were still anxious. Brent was attending on their behalf, as was Bert’s lawyer on his. This is where they would get the details of the case out in the open, and ask any pressing questions before they began the jury selection. Frank and Gerard agreed not to talk about the case until after the briefing, because until that point they would only dwell on the what-if’s – they would have no answers until after that point and there was no use in trying to get blood from a stone, so to speak. But, both men had the same thoughts in their heads, and that was the overwhelming feeling of impending doom. They smiled at each other normally, trying to fake it, but they both could tell that the other was discomforted.   
But really, none of it mattered, because now Gerard was moving in with Frank and nothing could hurt him. Bert could go to jail for 50 years or 50 days and Gerard would like to be none the wiser. He just wanted to focus on Frank and work and all their terrible choices in movies and 80’s punk music. He wanted to cut out the world and live in a realm that only consisted of Frank. He would follow Frank to the ends of the earth, on his heels like a dog on a leash and couldn’t imagine being happier to do it.  
Frank emerged from the bathroom, in a pair of old jeans that were tattered and torn. He was shirtless, rubbing a towel in his hair. His torso was still wet, making his tattoo’s look fresh and dark black like they were all brand new. He was fucking stunning, in every sense of the word. From the way his hip bones shifted when he moved, to the way he stuck his hands in his pockets with the thumb sticking out. He was beautiful when he was sleeping, his mouth agape slightly, and beautiful when he was lost in the music he played. There was nothing Frank had ever done that Gerard didn’t think was more beautiful than the last.  
Frank giggled when he noticed Gerard staring, chewing on his thumbnail like he did when he was thinking. “Like what you see?” Frank turned around, and around again, showing off.  
“Very much.” Gerard laughed.   
“Good cause these tattoos would be a bitch to get lasered off.” Frank laughed, now sitting in Gerard’s lap.  
“Don’t even joke about that, I fucking love your tattoos.” Gerard commented, running his fingers over the swallows on Frank’s hips. Frank shivered at the touch, chuckling.   
“I’m starting to think you only like me for my ink.” Frank teased.  
“Oh yeah, it’s definitely not because of that hot body or your incredible personality.” Gerard said sarcastically.  
“Jerk.” Frank laughed, standing up and going to pour his own cup of coffee in a travel mug. “You ready for this?” He asked, pulling his shirt on in the living room.  
“Absolutely.” Gerard smiled and stood up from his chair, putting his coffee cup in the sink.

The last few things that were left in Gerard’s apartment were packed in boxes and were likely things that would stay in boxes. They were the odds and ends, things that he didn’t use every day, or that he didn’t need. The patch job Frank did in the kitchen held fairly well, and when the landlord did the walk through he only stared at it funny for a second before moving on. He left his key on the mantle as they pulled the last box through the door, and looked back at it now empty. It was the first and only apartment he had lived in here in New York. He lived here alone for the first time in his life, away from his family, scared and still healing from Bert’s abuse. Mikey came to live with him a year later, and they spent infinite nights playing Xbox in the living room, laughing and reminiscing about their childhood. Gerard cut himself thousands of times in the bathroom, and cried himself to sleep in the bedroom far too often. It was bittersweet, leaving this place, but he was going somewhere with Frank, and that was better than any shitty New York apartment could ever be. He shut the door with a smile on his face, knowing he would never have to go back to being alone in that apartment.  
“I love you, Frankie.” Gerard said, taking Frank’s hand in his as they descended the stairs to the building one last time.  
“I love you too, Gee.” He smiled back up at him.

Frank and Gerard both went to work Monday morning hesitantly, but knowing if they stayed home waiting for a call from Brent they would only make themselves more nervous. They needed something to take their minds off of it, and work would be the perfect distraction. Leaving for work from what was now Gerard’s home, too, felt weirdly different, even though he had been staying there for weeks. Something about knowing it was permanent now, made it feel so much sweeter, and maybe that would be enough to get them through the day.

“Gentlemen, please take a seat.” An older grey haired man motioned them into a cold office. There was a large wooden table, the long kind that’s used in board meetings that Brent has seen a hundred times before at these things. He cleared his throat, sitting across from Richard who was pulling papers from a briefcase. He had this permanent grimace on his face, like he was trying not to shit his pants, and Brent just wanted to smack it right off.  
Brent had cases with Richard Bosslet before – he was a good attorney, his clients were always pleased with his services. He regularly acted as a defense lawyer for the plainly guilty, and Brent briefly wondered how he slept at night knowing he defended murderers and rapists, and occasionally helped them walk away free men.  
“Let’s make this quick, got it? No arguing, no shouting. There will be plenty of that at the trial” The older gentleman asked, receiving nods from both sides.  
“Brent, if you could please state your case on behalf of your clients, Gerard Way, Michael Way and Frank Iero. I will then hear the defense from Richard on behalf of Bert McCracken.” He spoke.  
“Thank you, your honor.” Brent pulled his own papers forward, shuffling through them and placing one in front of the judge. “On February 18th of 2016, my clients were in Belleville New Jersey visiting family. Mr. Michael Way decided to catch up with friends at a bar on 8th street. The defendant cornered Mr. Michael Way outside the bar he was visiting with friends, without provocation, and proceeded to beat my client mercilessly.”   
“Objection! Your honor, he did not beat him mercilessly, the two were involved in a bar fight – certainly not irregular, especially considering the seedy establishment that Mr. Way was frequenting.” Richard interrupted, rolling his eyes.  
“Denied, I don’t see how that is relevant. Mr. Bosslet, please let Mr. Russell continue.” The judge waved his hand towards Brent to carry on.  
“I’d like to remind you that your client was at this so called “seedy establishment” as well, but I’ll continue…” Brent scowled at Richard. “After beating Mr. Way and turning a gun on him, threatening to kill him, he drove to the residence of Donna way, where Gerard Way and Frank Iero were residing. He encountered both of my clients in the driveway of the home, and began to harass Mr. Way. Your client then punched Mr. Iero in the mouth as he continued to pursue Mr. Way, who continually told him that he was not interested in seeing Mr. McCracken. When my clients turned to leave, not wanting to argue or provoke Mr. McCracken any farther, the defendant pulled out the aforementioned weapon and shot at Mr. Iero. He was struck in the back of the left bicep at a range of about 20 feet. Mr. McCracken then proceeded to leave the scene without calling for help.” Brent shuffled with the papers in his hands. “Your honor, here are the medical records for both Mr. Way who entered the hospital emergency room at 12:18AM on February 19th driven by his friend Jack Barakat, and for Mr. Iero who was taken by ambulance at 1:03AM.”   
“Thank you, Mr. Russell. I will add these to the case file. Mr. Bosslet, please state your defense.”  
“Thank you. On February 19th my client entered the bar on 8th street around midnight, not intending to start trouble. He encountered Mr. Michael Way, who is the brother of his ex-boyfriend, Gerard Way. Mr. Way and my client began to argue outside of the establishment, where my client defended himself against Mr. Way’s initial attack. From there, he went to Donna Way’s home to confront his ex-boyfriend. Mr. McCracken had been emotionally damaged by the way Mr. Way ended their relationship, and I think it is fair to say that he was not in his right mind when he showed up at the Way residence.”  
“Objection, your honor, my client ended the relationship four years earlier; Mr. McCracken obviously knew what his intentions were.” Brent interrupted.  
“Sustained, continue.”   
“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted – my client was emotionally unstable, despite the year the relationship ended. He is undergoing medical evaluation to determine his sanity at this time. I can confidently say that when he turned the weapon on Mr. Iero, his judgment was clearly clouded while in the presence of Mr. Way, someone of whom had caused him great distress.”  
“This is ridiculous; he beat my client during the entirety of the relationship and he caused him distress?!” Bert shouted.  
“Mr. Russell! I will remind you that you are speaking out of turn.” The judge ordered.  
“Yes, your honor. Apologies.” He replied, scrunching his forehead.  
“Is there any evidence of the said abuse during the relationship of Mr. McCracken and Mr. Way?” The judge inquired.  
“There is just one medical record, from Belleville county memorial hospital on November 28th, 2011 where Mr. Way came in with a broken nose. He told the doctor that he had fallen, but has since revealed to me that Mr. McCracken told him if he was truthful he would kill him. My client felt physically threatened into lying while receiving medical treatment for the broken nose Mr. McCracken caused. My client will be revealing this in his testimony, as well.” Brent replied.  
“I find it hard to believe that Mr. Way felt he needed to lie to medical staff, he was nearly as tall as my client and similar build. Surely he could have fought off my client in that situation.” Richard said with a smirk.  
“What you do and do not believe is irrelevant, Mr. Bosslet.” The judge interjected. “I believe I have heard quite enough. We will be selecting jury for this case in the coming days. Let’s set a preliminary trial date of Wednesday May 2nd, 2016 at 10AM. This will give us sufficient time to choose a competent jury and allow you to prepare your testimonies. Mr. Bosslet, can you confirm your client’s mental evaluation will be completed by this time?”  
“Yes, your honor.” Richard answered, shaking his head.  
“Good. Adjourned.” The judge said, taking his papers and leading them out of the room.  
Brent rushed out of the office, eager to get away from Richard as quickly as possible. This was going to be one hell of a trial with him on the defense. Brent was optimistic they would win, but under what circumstances he was not sure. He felt he owed it to Gerard and Frank, and even Lindsey, to put Bert away for as long as possible and playing the mentally ill card would make that difficult.

It was about 5:30 when Gerard’s phone rang, he and Frank both knew it would be Brent calling to update them on how the briefing went that morning, but neither of them wanted to answer the phone. They both sat down on the couch and, hesitantly, Gerard pressed “accept”.   
“Hello?”   
“Hey, Gerard. It’s Brent. Have a few minutes?” He asked.  
“Sure.” He nodded.  
“Is Frank there with you?”  
He is, right here.” Gerard replied.  
“Hey Brent.” Frank said.  
“Hey guys. Ok, so the briefing went well. Pretty standard stuff and it went as I anticipated. They aren’t claiming self-defense for the shooting, but they do know that Mikey swung first. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think it will be an issue. We’re going to trial for a shooting, not a bar fight.”   
Gerard and Frank let out a collective sigh, relieved that Frank would not have to be defending himself now, too.  
“They set a date for May 2nd, at 10AM with a jury. Defense is going to try and convince them that Bert is mentally ill. Who knows how true it is, but the theme here seems to be that Bert was so distressed by you ending the relationship that he went bat shit.” Brent sighed.  
“Seriously?” Gerard asked.  
“Yeah, basically. They’re going to really question you on the abuse when you take the stand. Are you prepared for that?”   
“Guess I’ll have to be.” He mumbled.  
“I know it’s hard, but we’ll be prepared. You just need to be honest with them. Can we meet on Wednesday to start outlining our testimonies? Say, 6PM?” Brent glanced at his calendar.  
“Yeah that works for us. Thanks again, Brent.” Frank said.  
“Of course. See you then.” Brent hung up the phone. Gerard and Frank followed, sitting in silence for a few moments before looking at each other.  
“Christ, this is gonna suck, isn’t it?” Gerard asked, smirking at Frank.  
“Yep.” Frank replied, taking Gerard into his arms and falling back into a laying position on the couch with his boyfriend on top of him. All he could do right now was stroke his hair and comfort him, and that’s all he wanted to do for the rest of his life. All they needed to do was get through this.


	19. I'm Not Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry that this took as long as it did to update. I lost someone to suicide, and it make writing difficult. I do have up to chapter 27 written at this point, and will begin trying to update regularly again.

“Hey guys, come on in.” Brent said, standing in the doorway of his office. It was Wednesday evening, 6PM, the time they agreed to meet on Monday. Gerard and Frank sat nervously in the chairs across from Brent’s desk, the same easygoing rock music playing softly in the background. Brent shuffled around his office, this time in a neatly pressed suit, grabbing a file and shutting the door behind the couple.   
“How are you?” He asked.  
“Fine, thanks.” Frank replied.  
“Good, good.” Brent said, looking through the file on his desk. He sat in his chair and ran a hand through his hair, clearly irritated by something. “Do you know when Mikey will be able to come in to meet with me? They’re probably going to call him to the stand, as well.” He asked now looking at the men.  
“Honestly, I don’t know. He’s been weird recently, really busy.” Gerard shrugged. “I can call him and find out?”   
“Yeah, please. I want to make sure we’re prepared. I have time tomorrow at 6 if he’s free.”  
“Ok, be right back.” Gerard said, standing from his chair and walking into the hallway. Gerard heard Brent begin his conversation with Frank on his testimony as he shut the door behind him. He dialed Mikey’s number, waiting nearly until it went to voicemail for him to pick up.

“Hello?” Mikey answered, voice arid sounding like he just woke up.  
“Hey Mikes, how have you been?” Gerard asked.  
“Uh, fine. Yeah, fine. You?” He asked, sounding like he was rushed but still with an air of exhaustion in his voice.  
“Um, I’m ok. I tried calling you on Monday but you didn’t answer. I was surprised when I didn’t hear back from you, everything OK?” Gerard asked, remembering how Mikey almost always answered his calls, especially since the incident in the bathroom.  
“Yeah, sorry. Was busy. What’s up?” He inquired.  
“Brent wants to know when you might be able to meet with him to talk about the trial. You’ll probably have to testify for us…” He muttered near the end, feeling guilty for needing Mikey to be involved any more than he already was.  
“Uh. I don’t know. Whenever, I guess.” Mikey sounded disinterested.  
“Are you ok?” Gerard asked, his brother sounded even more removed than usual.  
“Uh-huh.” He mumbled.  
“Alright…well, can you meet with him tomorrow at 6? We’re meeting on Wednesdays at 6 now through the trial.”   
“Ok, sure. Yeah that’s fine. Tomorrow at 6.” Mikey uttered.  
“Ok…well I better get back in there. Love you, Mikes.” Gerard said, something felt wrong in his stomach and he couldn’t place his finger on it.  
“Love you too.” Mikey hung up.

Gerard slipped back into the office quietly, sitting back down next to Frank.  
“That was weird.” He whispered to Frank. Frank shot him a confused look that Gerard knew to mean “tell me about it later” and so he smiled at him.  
“Ok, Gerard, I was just talking to Frank about what happened leading up to his being shot. Although Frank was the one hurt, the jury is going to rely much more on your testimony based on the nature of the relationship you had with Bert. I figure we should first focus on the history of the abuse that took place leading up to the event. Ok?” Brent supposed.  
“Yeah, ok.” Gerard answered, entangling his fingers in Frank’s.  
“So, for starters, when did the abuse begin?”   
“Shortly after I moved in with Bert, in November 2010.” He replied.  
“What happened that Bert changed suddenly?” Brent asked, writing notes on a small pad, much like Dr. Foster had done a few months earlier, and it made him anxious. Frank must have sensed this because he gripped Gerard’s hand tighter and gave him a reassuring smile.  
“Well, it wasn’t exactly sudden. At the time it felt like it was, but looking back, Bert was a violent person and it was only a matter of time. I had forgotten to take the trash out, and he had to do it on his way to work. When he got home, he grabbed me by the hair and punched me. I fought back at first, surprised, but he told me he would kill me if I ever did that again.” Gerard said, watching Brent’s hand write his recount word for word.  
“From then, what happened? Did the abuse get worse?”   
“Essentially. I felt scared of Bert, and was always walking on eggshells around him. I never knew what would set him off.” He sighed.  
“Tell me about the incident on November 28th, 2011 when you checked into the hospital for a broken nose.” He questioned, still not looking up from his paper.  
“Yeah…Bert was drunk. He hit me in the face, which normally he tried to avoid by this point so that the bruises weren’t visible. He was sloppy, because of the alcohol, and he got me really hard right in the nose. It cracked and bled a lot, and I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding. Bert said he never meant to hurt me that bad, and he acted really caring and compassionate at first, rushing me to the hospital and everything. When we got to the ER he told me to tell them I fell and that if I told them he did it, he would go to jail and it would be my fault.” Gerard answered, trying to recount the day.  
“Did he go in with you?” Brent asked.  
“No, he stayed in the car so that no one would suspect anything.” Gerard sighed.  
“What was the tipping point that made you decide to leave Bert?”   
“Well, the broken nose was a big one. But, I started losing friends…people had told me I needed to leave him, and I was only hurting myself by staying. I realize now that they weren’t really very good friends for abandoning me during this, but at the time it hurt like hell. He was at work one day and I just packed what I could and ran. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew if I stayed in New Jersey he would find me. I thought I could find a job in art in New York and so that’s where I went.” He glanced at Frank, looking for his reaction. His head was downturned and his eyes placed firmly on the ground. His thumb was stroking Gerard’s hand comfortingly, but Gerard could tell Frank needed the reassurance as well.  
“Did Bert ever threaten to hurt anyone other than you? Your family for instance?” Brent asked. Gerard knew this question was coming, and he didn’t want to face it knowing he hadn’t even admitted this to Frank. He took a short pause and a deep breath before speaking.   
“…yeah. Sometimes, if I would try to stand up for myself or argue back, Bert would tell me that he would kill Mikey if I didn’t back off. He knew Mikey was the most important person to me, and it always got under my skin – he knew that. For a while, that is what kept me there. Then, Mikey turned 18, and started being able to handle himself. He was going to go off to college soon, and I knew he would be safe.” Frank glanced up at Gerard, and frowned forlornly. He could almost hear the words in Frank’s mind saying he was sorry that it had happened to him, and he would protect him. It made him feel safe and assured enough to continue.  
“He also told me that if I ever left him, he would kill anyone I ever loved. He said I wasn’t worthy of having anyone else, and he would make sure that if I wasn’t with him I would be alone forever…” Bert had made good on that promise by trying to kill Frank, and it made his chest tighten and his throat dry. He wanted to vomit thinking about the fact that he knew Bert had made this promise, and he ignored it by falling in love with Frank.  
“Thank you, Gerard. This really helps. I can prepare a lot of evidence with this information.” Brent said supportively, now looking back up at the couple. “Did Mikey say when he might be able to come in as well?”  
“He’ll be here tomorrow at 6.” Gerard answered.   
“Good, good. Well, I have a lot of information to go over now. I’ll call you if I get any updates on the trial or have any questions, OK?” Brent said, now reaching his hand out to shake Gerard’s followed by Franks.  
“Thank you.” Gerard nodded and followed Frank out the door.  
“You OK?” Frank asked once they got in the car.  
“Yeah, I think so. Are you?” Gerard questioned, looking over at Frank.  
“Of course.” He nodded. “How’s Mikey?”  
“Fine, I think…he just seemed off. Maybe he was just tired, but it’s unlike him to go more than a couple of days without talking to me, I just have a bad feeling, you know?” Gerard muttered, trying to make sense of Mikey’s indifference. This wasn’t the same indifference that Mikey always had; it was different, almost like his head wasn’t all there.  
“Did you want to stop over there?” Frank asked.  
“No, no. I’m sure he’s fine. It’s probably just me.” Gerard was trying to convince himself that everything was fine, but something just seemed…weird.  
“Ok…” Frank trailed on, heading for home.

“Hey Mikey, come on in.” Brent said, leading him into his office, now Thursday around 6PM. Mikey just nodded, hands in his pockets. “Have a seat.” He said.  
“Cool.” Mikey sat down, legs bouncing up and down. His hair was slightly disheveled, and he looked like he hadn’t slept well in a few days.   
“How’ve you been?” Brent asked. “Healing OK?”   
“Uh, yeah. Still some pain, though.” Mikey replied, looking around the room.  
“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, this won’t take long; I just wanted to prepare you if they call you to testify to what happened when Bert cornered you. It’s very possible that they will want to hear your side of the story.” Brent said, pulling out his notes from the previous day.  
“Yeah, sure. OK.” He mumbled, eyes still roaming around the room, glassy.  
“So, on the night of February 18th, Bert confronted you outside of the bar, correct?” Brent questioned.  
“Uh-huh.” Mikey said.  
“Do you know why he would want to corner you and attack you?”  
“He wanted Gerard. He asked me where Gee was, and I told him to fuck off.” Mikey cackled out loud.  
“Ok…what else happened?” Not understanding what was funny about the situation.  
“He like, pushed me up against the wall and asked again and I told him to fuck off, again.” Mikey shrugged and lolled his head back on the chair.  
“Mhmm…” Brent hummed while writing his notes, intending for Mikey to continue.  
“Then he called Gee a faggot or something and so I hit him.”  
“Ok, what did he do after you his him?”   
“I don’t know, he kicked me in the stomach at some point. He just, like, beat me.” Mikey stammered.   
“Do you remember how it happened?” Brent asked, now looking up at Mikey concernedly.   
“Well, yeah. I already explained it the doctors in the hospital and the police.” He sighed, annoyed.  
“I just want to make sure we have all the information, these are the types of questions the defense could ask you.” Brent explained. “What did Bert say to you after he beat you?”  
“He asked me where Gee was, and I didn’t answer him. My mouth was full of blood, man”. He shook his head.   
“Did he threaten you?”   
“Yeah, he had a gun.” He replied.  
“What kind of gun was it?” Bert asked.  
“The fuck should I know?” Mikey snapped.  
“I apologize – I just meant like, a hand gun or something larger…” Bert waved his hands, trying to convey his meaning, confused as to why Mikey would retort like that.  
“It was a handgun, a black one. He held it up to my neck.”   
“At one point he pointed it towards your temple, correct?” Bert went back to writing his notes.  
“Uh, yeah. When I was on the ground.” Mikey chewed on his thumbnail, bored.  
“What did he say to you when he pointed the gun at your head?”   
“He asked me where Gee was.” Mikey was getting tired of repeating himself, and Brent could see that he was uncomfortable.  
“Alright. Thanks, Mikey. I, uh, won’t keep you.” Brent said, motioning towards the door. He had really expected Mikey to be more compliant considering how protective of his brother Lindsey described him to be. He had met Mikey a few times, but he never came off as someone who was this insensible. Brent was frustrated, and he thought he’d better just come back to this at another point. It’s not as if there weren’t other important details of the case he could be considering.   
“Yeah, thanks, man.” Mikey uttered before standing up from the chair. Mikey strolled back out of the office and all Brent could do was shake his head after he disappeared. He really didn’t know Mikey very well, but something seemed off. The only thing he could think to do was call Lindsey for her opinion. She always knew how to talk sense into him when he was being unreasonable, and maybe that’s just what this was. Maybe the stress from the trial coming up was getting to him.

“Hey, babe.” Lindsey answered, mouth full of food as typical.  
“Hey. How was your day?” He asked, smiling when he heard her voice.  
“Stupid. I hate people. You?”   
Brent laughed. “You’ll have to tell me about it when I get home. My day was fine, but Mikey was just here and I wanted your thoughts on something.” He replied.  
“Shoot.” She said, taking another bite of whatever it was she was eating.  
“Well, he just seemed…off. He was so dismissive, and I know I don’t really know him, but he never came off that way before.”   
“Yeah that does seem a little weird. He’s usually kind of indifferent but I can’t imagine him not being serious about this. He does know when to be serious about things.” She said, a hint of concern in her voice.  
“I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I just thought he would be a lot more…sensible about the whole thing. Know what I mean? It was like he didn’t even care to talk about it.” Brent replied, glancing over the small amount of notes he was able to take from his conversation with the younger Way.  
“Hmm, I’ll call Gee and see what he says, ok?” She asked.  
“Ok, don’t worry him, though. Poor guy’s got enough on his plate.” He replied, sighing.  
“Trust me, I know. When will you be home? Late night tonight again?” She asked, sounding slightly disappointed already.  
“I’ll be home by 8, OK? Promise.” He smiled into the phone; he would definitely be there by 8 this time. He promised.  
“Ok, I love you.” She said, knowing he would be home closer to 10.  
“I love you, too.” He knew it, too.


	20. Cemetery Drive

“Everything ok out here?” Gerard asked, tentatively, as he re-entered the room. Frank and Gerard went straight to Mikey’s after getting the phone call from Lindsey, and Gerard was trying to busy himself so that Frank could talk to him. Gerard knew that Mikey wouldn’t tell him if something was wrong for fear of his reaction, so they settled on a plan that involved Frank gently probing, while Gerard made himself invisible. He tried to make it less obvious that he had been trying to stay out of the living room by pitter-pattering around the hallway, in and out of the bathroom, and back to the kitchen to busy himself. It was about 15 minutes later that he had no choice but to make his way back in.   
“Yeah, yeah. Frank and I were just chatting.” Mikey shot Frank a dangerous look, angry and apprehensive that Frank would tell Gerard all his secrets. He was slumped forward, elbows resting on his knees; he looked uncomfortable, like he was ready to enter fight or flight mode. Mikey hadn’t given much up, but somehow it was as if Frank could read his mind. Gerard wasn’t as clever; he was book smart, whereas Frank was all street smarts. He could pick up on Mikey’s actions long before Gerard could, and Mikey would do anything to keep Gerard from knowing his veracity.   
“Oh…ok.” Gerard muttered, sitting back down on the couch next to Frank. Gerard glanced at his boyfriend whose eyes were placed firmly on Mikey. Gerard nudged him gently with his knee, bringing his attention back.  
“We should get going.” Frank said, standing up from the couch quickly. He grabbed Gerard’s hand and pulled him up as well. He stayed silent as Frank led him towards the door, Mikey following on their heels. Gerard watched the awkward, impassive encounter that Frank and Mikey had as they said their goodbyes, making silent threats at one another. Frank rushed in front of Gerard towards the car once they were out the door, leaving him to jog to nearly catch up – which was more than unusual considering Frank’s short legs.   
Frank slammed the door to the car once he’s inside, placing his forehead on the steering wheel, eyes closed and arms at his sides, fists clenched. He tried to slow his breathing before he hears Gerard quietly slide in and shut his door. Gerard stares at him for a few seconds, letting him gain his composure, before he grabs his hand and squeezes.  
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” Gerard asks trying not to panic. Frank just nods silently, before turning the key to the ignition and driving away.  
Gerard was just barely holding back tears by the time they walked into the door to their apartment; he didn’t know what was wrong, just that something was. Frank sighed and took Gerard by the hand into their bedroom slowly, helping him to strip down to his boxers as Gerard held back his hysterics. Frank sat him down on his side of the bed while he, too, stripped down and got into the bed. Frank held out his arms silently and allowed his boyfriend to fall into them and begin sobbing.  
“Tell me, Frankie.” He cried. Frank stroked his hair and breathed into him. He held him for a few more minutes before cupping Gerard’s chin, and lifting his eyes to match his.   
“Just listen, first.” Frank said, and Gerard nodded, understanding.   
“When I was a teenager, I had this friend – Anna. We had been friends for years, since middle school. Our parents were friends, you know? So we just kind of started hanging out, not that we had a ton in common, but we went to the same schools and had the same general group of friends, and our friendship built on that. She did a lot for me; she helped me understand that I was gay and that that was OK.  
Gerard nodded again, wiping at his eyes, focusing on Frank’s words.  
“When we were 14, she had this crush on me. Lord knows why, I was terribly awkward.” Frank laughed and Gerard nudged him, playfully.  
“I, obviously, didn’t really feel the same way about her. I liked her, but not like that and I didn’t understand why. So – I dated her, thinking maybe it would come in time. We had our first kiss, held hands, you know – first time couple stuff. Nothing felt right to me, and she picked up on it pretty quickly.” Frank continued, Gerard now sitting up straight, cross legged and staring intently at his boyfriend. “She sat me down one day, a few weeks after we started “dating” and she asked me how I felt about her.” Frank sighed, reminiscing. “I was honest, and told her I liked her a lot, but it just didn’t feel right.”   
“Did you know you were gay?” Gerard asked, trying not to interrupt.  
“No, not yet, I just thought she wasn’t right for me. She was cool with it, just figured we weren’t a match and moved on as well. But a year or so later, I still hadn’t dated any girls, and she got curious. She told me she had wondered for a while if maybe I way gay. I had really never considered it, but she made me more aware of myself. I had never really found any girls attractive, but definitely had thoughts I didn’t know how to process about guys. She told me it was OK, and that I would figure it out eventually and she would be there for me when I did.” Frank made a small smile.   
“When did you know?” Gerard asked, taking Frank’s hand.  
“I had just turned 16, and there was this big Halloween party that my group of friends threw. It was a costume party, and most people were in masks and shit, me included.” Frank laughed. “This one guy, I recognized him from school but I didn’t know him. God, he was dressed like a vampire or something; fake blood on his neck and all – he looked so good. He kept looking at me all night, and after a couple of drinks I felt pretty ballsy, and I went up to him knowing my face was concealed. We flirted for a little, before he led me outside. We made out up against the wall; I didn’t even care if he knew who I was. I knew at that point that I was definitely gay.” Frank ran his fingers over Gerard’s, smiling at the memory.  
“So what happened?” Gerard asked.  
“Well, things kind of went to shit after that. Anna and I were still good friends, and she helped me come to terms with being gay, but kids at school found out. This guy I made out with, his name was Adam, and he was your typical jock douche. Totally “not gay” you know? The rumor that we had made out at the party spread, and he totally threw me under the bus saying it wasn’t him but that he saw me making out with someone, too. It wasn’t long before people were calling me a fag and trying to shove me in lockers.” Frank continued, still stroking Gerard’s hand. “Anna stayed with me, loved me for who I was, for a while. I was about 17 ½ when she started hanging out with different people, you know, growing up and moving on. I was fine with that. I knew that no matter what, we could always still pick up where we left off.”   
Frank was making a pained face at this point, eyes getting slightly glassy. Gerard started to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach that this story didn’t end well.  
“She eventually stopped returning my calls. We could never find time to get together. It was just after my 18th birthday when I caught up with her after school one day. Something wasn’t right with her; her eyes were glazed over and she was slurring her words. She told me to “loosen the fuck up, Frankie.” And shoved a pill in my hand, before walking away. I threw it away as soon as I got home. I didn’t talk to her for weeks. I saw her around Christmastime, and she looked the same. Eyes watery and glassy, speech slurred. Couldn’t stop moving around even when she was sitting.”  
“Like Mikey…” Gerard uttered into his lap, head down and face towards the bed.   
“Yeah…” Frank replied with a sigh.  
“So…what happened to her?” Gerard asked, petrified for the answer.  
“I tried to keep in touch with her, but the drugs got harder. She was on opiates, painkillers, when she started. After high school she moved up to heroin, crack, pretty much anything anyone gave her that would keep her from withdrawing. I pleaded with her to get help, but she argued with me, told me she hated me.” Frank took a deep breath, trying to remember his last conversation with her. “The last time I talked to her I was 21, and moving to New York in a few weeks. I had called her, to see how she was doing. She wasn’t herself anymore, but I wanted to talk to her one last time before I left. It was bad, really bad. She hardly remembered me and I knew in my heart it would be the last time.” Frank wiped at the tears that were welling in his eyes, continuing. “I cried after I hung up with her. A few months after I moved here, my mom called to let me know she was gone. She had OD’d.” Frank was full on crying now, trying to finish his story without falling apart.   
Gerard pulled him into his arms and rubbed circles in his back. “I went to her funeral and cried with her mom. I saw some of our old friend group there, all wondering the same thing – how did this happen?” Frank sobbed. “How the fuck could we have let this happen? Why didn’t we get her help?” He cried, no longer telling the story, but reliving it.  
“Frankie…” Was all Gerard could say, now wondering how he could help Mikey. Fuck, what would he do without Mikey?   
Frank pulled himself away from Gerard’s arms, wiping his face and composing himself.   
“So…Mikey.” Frank said, pulling himself out of the memories. “I think he’s been abusing the painkillers he got from the hospital…”   
Gerard let out a loud sigh, mulling their options.  
“So what do we do?” He asked, his forehead in his hands, trying not to have a panic attack.  
“What I should have done with Anna…we have to force him to realize that he could seriously hurt himself. He’s only going to stop if he wants to, but I should have tried harder with Anna. We have to push him. He might get angry, he might tell us he hates us…but it hasn’t been very long. We have a good chance of stopping this before it really starts.” Frank smiled at Gerard, visibly fearful, too.   
“Ok.” Gerard said simply, and pulled Frank into his arms, holding him close as Frank wrapped his arms around his partner. They were in this together, and Frank wouldn’t let anything happen to Mikey. He couldn’t, Anna would be watching, making sure they got him through this, wherever she was. He was certain of it.

 

“Ok, remember the plan?” Frank asked, his hands on Gerard’s shoulders.   
“I busy him while you search for the pills. Then we confront him, gently. We ask questions, don’t yell or argue with him.” Gerard recites, trying to calm his nerves.   
“Good. We don’t want to start this off with an argument if we can help it. Mikey didn’t tell me much the other night, but he didn’t deny it. He was defensive, but not unbreakable. We can do this if we just stay calm.” Frank said, not sure if he was trying to convince Gerard, or himself.   
The ride to Mikey’s was eerily silent. The couple held tight hands on the short drive, arriving entirely too quickly for them to be prepared. Gerard knocked on the door with his stomach in his throat. Waiting for Mikey to open the door was exhausting, both Frank and Gerard shooting glances at each other, playing possible scenarios in their head on how this could play out. The door flung open suddenly, startling them both out of their thoughts.  
“Hey guys, come in.” Mikey said. His eyes looked less glassy than last time, and he looked like he had showered recently. He still had an air about him that wasn’t Mikey, but this was an improvement the men weren’t expecting; they were grateful for it nonetheless.   
“How are you, Mikes?” Gerard asked, nodding at Frank. Gerard sat on the couch, Frank remaining standing.   
“I’m fine.” He answered, sitting across from Gerard in the recliner in the corner.   
“I’m gonna use the bathroom, be right back.” Frank said hurriedly, and walked off leaving Mikey to make a confused face after him.  
“Good. How’s Alicia?” Gerard asked, trying to make conversation while Frank looked for the pills.  
“Uh…she’s ok, I guess. Haven’t really talked to her much recently.” Mikey answered, scratching his head. His left leg was bouncing like the other night, but not as severely.  
“Oh? Everything ok?” Gerard asked, concerned. Alicia was the one really good thing in his life right now, he really hoped that he hadn’t fucked that up already.  
“Yeah. She was traveling for work a lot, and I just couldn’t really deal with it anymore.” Mikey said. Gerard could tell there was so much more to the story than he was letting up, but he didn’t press the issue. He didn’t want to make Mikey feel worse than he did at the moment.  
“I’m sorry, Mikes.” Was all he could say after a few minutes of silence, before Mikey interrupted him.  
“Frank still in the bathroom?” He asked, nervously searching around the room. Mikey was getting paranoid that Frank wasn’t back yet. Frank was on to him, and he had a bad feeling about what Frank was up to.  
Gerard tried to laugh it off as nothing without showing Mikey how panicked he was, too. “Hah, I’m sure he is. Sensitive stomach, you know?”  
“Uh-huh.” Mikey mumbled, still looking towards the hallway.  
Gerard stared at the ground for a moment, before audibly sighing. Mikey was starting to shake more violently, trying to ground himself in the chair.  
“What the fuck, Gee?” Mikey grumbled after a few more minutes of awkward silence.  
“What?” Gerard was taken aback by his tone. It was unlike Mikey to shout so loudly out of nowhere.   
“You know what! What’s Frank looking for, huh? He was all over me the other night trying to interrogate me!” He stood up from his chair and marched towards Gerard, now looking down at him sitting on the couch, right in his face.   
Gerard shook his head, trying to deny Mikey’s accusations and avert his stare, but he could never lie to his brother, and Mikey used Gerard’s honesty to his advantage.  
“Gerard?!” Mikey yelled, still just inches from his face. Gerard let out a sob, trying not to let his emotions overcome him.  
“Mikey…” He cried out, reaching for his brother. He put his hands on Mikey’s waist to pull him down to the couch where he could talk to him, but Mikey pulled away violently, thrusting Gerard backwards into the cushion.   
“Get the fuck off me!” Mikey screamed, pushing away from his now hysterical brother.  
“The fuck is going on out here?” Frank ran out from the hallway, two nearly empty pill bottles in his hand.  
“Fuck you, Frank! I knew it! I knew you were going through my shit!” Mikey yelled, inching his way towards a stone faced Frank. Mikey didn’t scare him, Frank knew that this was a façade and that Mikey was just as terrified as he was.  
“Mikey, that’s enough. Sit down.” Frank put his hands up in a surrendering motion, bottles shaking in his hand. His expression was neutral, and stance dominant. It wasn’t a suggestion, it was a demand. For a short man, Frank could be extremely intimidating. In any other position, that tone would make Gerard drop to his knees, but he tried to drive that thought from his mind.  
Mikey stared at him, face red, for a few moments longer before conceding back to his chair. Gerard was sobbing quietly on the couch, face in his hands. Frank walked over to him and immediately held him in his arms, eyes not leaving Mikey who was back to bouncing his legs in his seat.  
“Mikey, we just want to talk to you.” Frank said, stroking Gerard’s hair, shushing him in-between what were now coming out as comforting instead of governing.   
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Mikey said dismissively.  
“Please, just talk to us.” Frank said. “We’ll love you, no matter what.”   
Mikey just shook his head, unbelieving.  
“Please, Mikes…let Frank help.” Gerard said in a guarded voice.   
Mikey sighed and dropped his head in his hands. He knew Gerard and Frank had caught him, there was no denying it now.   
“I tried throwing them out, twice.” He started to sob, defeated. “Jack gave me Vicodin before we left New Jersey and I threw them out. I had to call him and get more.”   
“And he gave them to you?” Frank questioned.  
“You clearly don’t know him.” Mikey sniggered. “I met him halfway, and he sold me a bottle for $150. I don’t know where he got them, and I didn’t ask. I had a refill on the ones from the hospital and I had to call for another a month ago.” He sighed, head still pointed downwards. “I dug them out of the trash both times. I’ve gone through four bottles total – not including those.” He shook his head, trying to contemplate how he spiraled out of control so quickly.  
“How did this happen, Mikes?” Frank asked.  
“I was in fucking pain. My ribs…god, they hurt.” Mikey threw his arms out in front of him dramatically, limbs flailing with spectacle, trying to convey the gravity of his pain. “And my head, when you were in the hospital, Gee…anything that would take my mind off of it I would try. I got drunk more than I’d like to admit, and these…they helped, too.” Mikey admitted, humiliated and mumbling towards the end.  
“I’m so sorry, Mikey…” Gerard cried into Frank’s arms.  
“Shhh, baby. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.” Frank said, cooing into Gerard’s ear, just loud enough for Mikey to hear as well.   
It was no one’s fault, no one in this room, anyway. Not Gerard’s, not Mikey’s. If anyone was at fault, it was surely Bert, and Mikey needed to get clean so they could ensure Bert went away for every ounce of pain he caused the three of them.   
“I just don’t know what to do now…I’m running out of them and every time I tell myself it’s the last time, it never is. It’s all I can think about anymore, and I can’t function without it.” Mikey said. He looked up at Frank, eyes red now from crying instead of pills. Frank motioned for him to join them on the couch, and he obliged. Mikey sat cautiously next to Frank and glanced at Gerard, over Frank’s shoulder.  
“I’m sorry, Gee.” He mumbled, now looking at the bottles in Frank’s hand.  
“We’ll get through it, Mikes. We always do.” Gerard said, wiping his eyes and smiling at his brother.   
“These need to go, Mikey.” Frank said sternly. Mikey nodded, understanding. “I want you to pack some things. Come to our place for a week or two. We’ll get you out of this.”  
Mikey shook his head. “No, I can’t expect that from you Frank.”   
“Nonsense, you’re family. It’s not up for negotiation.” Frank replied, looking into Mikey’s eyes. Mikey smiled, knowingly and got up from the couch, trudging towards his room to gather a few things.  
Gerard was on Frank as soon as Mikey had disappeared, hugging him tightly and kissing his cheek.   
“God, I love you so much, Frank.” He sighed into his ear.   
“I love you, too, Gee.” He held Gerard close. ”I love Mikey, too. I’ve never had a sibling, and Mikey is the closest I’ve got. You two mean so much to me. You’re my family now and I promise…” Frank interrupted his speech to cup Gerard’s chin, looking him in the eye “I promise I will protect you and make you happy as long as you’ll let me. And that includes Mikey.”   
Gerard bit his lip, trying not to let himself cry again before pushing his lips onto Frank’s. Frank was his life now, his rock. Frank was everything good in his life, and he briefly wondered how he ever survived without him. Frank sighed into Gerard’s mouth, feeling more confident and relieved now that he knew Mikey would be staying with them. They held each other on Mikey’s couch, kissing and giggling until Mikey re-emerged from his room.  
“Gross.” He teased, throwing his jacket on the kissing couple.  
“Jealous.” Gerard said back, making Mikey giggle and shake his head.  
“Let’s get the fuck out of here.” Mikey exclaimed, headed for the door, ready to get away from the hell that he had made his apartment over the last two months.


	21. Dear Percocet, I Don't Think We Should See Eachother Anymore

Mikey was hunched over the toilet, sweating, and dry heaving into the bowl. It had only been three days, but he was feeling the effects of withdrawal pretty hard already. He had gone through five one-month bottles of drugs in two months’ time, sometimes taking up to four a day just to function. He hadn’t taken anything but an aspirin in three days, and he felt like complete shit.  
“Shhh, it’s ok.” Gerard cooed, rubbing circles into Mikey’s tensed back. Gerard had taken a few days off of work to help Mikey get the worst of it out of his system, and Frank couldn’t help but take this particular day off, as well, seeing as how sick Mikey was.  
It was a Friday, and Frank woke up to an empty bed and the sound of retching from the bathroom. He lay in bed for a few minutes, listening to Gerard’s forgiving voice trying to calm down his nearly hysterical brother; feeling his heart sink imagining what Mikey must be going through. Frank had called his mother the day they brought Mikey into their home to ask her what to expect as far as withdrawal and effects, and she was clear that days three through five would likely be the worst as the drugs are purged from Mikey’s system. It was unmistakable now, Mikey was nearing the peak of withdrawal, and Frank couldn’t let Gerard do this on his own.   
Carefully, he knocked on the door, hoping Gerard could hear the sound through Mikey’s sobbing.   
“Come in.” Gerard uttered, still shushing his brother.  
“Hey, I brought some water and a washcloth.” Frank whispered, taking a careful step in the room. He laid the cloth and glass on the counter, putting his hand on Gerard’s shoulder, attempting to comfort him as he watched his brother vomit in pain.  
Mikey took a few deep breaths and lifted his head. His face was pale with dark bags under his eyes. He extended his arm, reaching for the towel, which Gerard promptly grabbed from the counter and handed him. Mikey took a moment to wipe at his mouth, and pat at his sweat covered forehead.  
“Ok…I think I’m done.” He said through labored breaths, still trying to regain his self-control.  
“Take some water.” Gerard said, now handing the glass to Mikey. He didn’t protest, just grabbed it from his brother and took small sips, feeling the cool water rush down into his empty stomach. After a few more minutes, Mikey nodded his head, and handed the glass back to his brother.  
Gerard and Frank helped to lift Mikey up, guiding him towards the living room and on to the couch. Frank fetched him a blanket from the closet, his favorite fluffy one, and covered Mikey with it. Frank smiled wearily at Mikey, who was adjusting himself comfortable on the couch, still breathing heavy.   
“S’cold.” Mikey mumbled.  
“You’re sweating?” Gerard asked, confused. Frank just nodded knowingly, and tucked the blanket around a shivering Mikey.   
“Let’s get something warm in you, yeah?” Frank suggested, smiling at Gerard.  
“I guess coffee would be too heavy. Tea?” Gerard asked. Mikey nodded silently, still trying to get warm. Gerard patted off to the kitchen to heat the water.  
“Frank.” Mikey muttered, eyes closed, once Gerard had left the room.  
“Yeah?” He asked, sitting on the couch at Mikey’s feet. Mikey mumbled something in response that Frank couldn’t make out. He shifted closer to Mikey, pulling his limp legs onto his lap. Frank patted Mikey’s legs through the blanket, trying to keep him conscious.   
“Mikes?” He whispered.  
“Frank.” Mikey muttered, again.   
“What is it Mikes? What do you need?” Frank asked quietly. Mikey shook his head no.  
“Thank you.” Mikey whispered, just barely opening his eyes.   
It took Frank by surprise. He assumed by this point in Mikey’s withdrawal, he would be fighting them. Frank expected it to get worse before it got better, but Frank didn’t know Mikey. Mikey’s will to beat this was stronger than Frank knew, and although he had the urge to yell and scream until he got just one more pill, he was fighting it as best he could. Frank didn’t have a response, and so he just pulled Mikey closer into his lap, helping him to get warm and comfortable, until Gerard returned with the tea.  
“He asleep?” Gerard whispered, setting the cup down carefully on the table.  
“Yes.” Mikey mumbled, cracking a small smile. It made Frank and Gerard both laugh, breaking some of the rigidity that had been circulating through the apartment over the past few days. It was typical Mikey to make a joke at the most tense of times.  
Gerard cracked a small smile, and Frank could tell he was trying to make it genuine, but there was a hint of uncertainty in his face. Gerrard sighed and turned towards the hallway; Frank thought little of it.   
Fifteen minutes passed of Frank fiddling on his phone, still pressed by the weight of a sleeping Mikey’s legs, when he started wondering where Gerard had gone. The house was silent aside from Mikey’s light snoring, and Frank thought he remembered hearing the bathroom door click shut. Surely Gerard wasn’t in their room or he would hear the gentle thrum of music from the record player.  
After about twenty minutes or so, Frank couldn’t help himself as he gently lifted Mikey’s limbs off of him, placing them back on the couch where he got up. Mikey protested slightly, but didn’t seem to wake, and Frank exhaled a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.  
He walked down the hall, towards the bathroom, and saw the shadow of the light from under the door. The shower wasn’t running, neither was the sink, and Frank had a sinking suspicion he knew what Gerard was doing. Frank felt his heart flip in his chest with worry as he approached the silent room.  
“Gee?” He knocked on the door timidly.  
“Fuck.” Gerard mumbled, trying to stay quiet. He dropped something, making a fumbling noise on the floor tile. “Just a minute.” He said finally.  
“Are you ok?” Frank asked, concerned.  
“Just, uh…hold on.” Gerard kept scrabbling around, muttering to himself as the door cracked open.  
“Frank, just wait.” He said, more angrily than he had intended.  
“Gee, what’s…?” Frank stepped in slightly, letting out an uneasy sigh at the sight before him.  
“Baby, no…” Frank dropped to the floor, next to his bloodied boyfriend. “You were doing so good baby, no…” He cooed, grabbing a kitchen knife from Gerard’s hand.   
“When did you grab this?” Frank asked, holding up the knife.  
“When I got Mikey’s tea…” He stuttered, humiliated.  
“Hold on, stay still.” Frank said, reaching for a towel. He draped the bath towel over Gerard’s arm gently, wiping away the blood that was pooling around three superficial cuts.  
“I’m sorry.” Gerard mumbled, wincing in pain as Frank cleaned him up.  
“It’s ok, baby. I just hate seeing you hurt yourself. We have to stay strong for Mikey, right?” Frank said, holding pressure on the wounds.  
“It’s my fault.” Gerard sobbed, resting his head on Frank’ shoulder now.  
“It’s not, baby. I promise.” Frank kissed him on the forehead.  
They stayed sitting on the bathroom floor for a while as Mikey slept undisturbed on the couch; Frank bandaging Gerard’s arm, and holding each other. Despite Gerard’s setback, the cuts were shallow and would heal easily. Something about cutting felt shameful for Gerard he realized, and he felt guilty doing it. Beforehand, it was the only thing that helped, but now it felt wrong, like he had disappointed Frank, though Frank expressed that he could never be disappointed in Gerard.  
The rush of cutting himself was gone, and Gerard didn’t know whether to be happy, or fearful it this revelation. 

“Ok Mikes, we have to get going. You gonna be ok by yourself?” Gerard asked, grabbing his keys off of the coffee table.  
“Yeah I’ll be fine. I’m feeling ok; I should be fine for a few hours.” Mikey responded, looking up from the book he was reading on the couch. The color had returned to his face a few days earlier, and although his eyes still had a slightly glazed over sheen, Mikey was becoming more himself with each day.  
“Ok. Call if you need anything, please?” Frank smiled at Mikey and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand. Mikey nodded and waved them out the door, assuring them he would be fine. It had been just over a week that Mikey was clean, three days since he had puked his guts out, and he considered it fruitful so far. Mikey still was struggling, particularly at nighttime, but Gerard and Frank being there was what helped keep him on the right track when he was positive he couldn’t survive this.   
Mikey hadn’t been left alone since he arrived, but Frank and Gerard had cancelled meeting with Brent last week to take care of him, and he insisted they attended this week, not wanting to jeopardize any time working on the trial to tend to him.  
“Are you sure?” Gerard asked one more time as they headed for the door; Mikey nodded his head earnestly before returning to his book.

“Get in here before you drown!” Brent yelled, smiling at the couple that was running from their car to the building doors, trying to keep themselves as dry as possible. It was the end of April in New York, and rain was to be expected until spring was in full blossom. It was fitting, knowing that the forecast called for storms from this day until the trial.  
Brent held the door for them, and grabbed the umbrella from Frank’s hand, closing it and shaking off the excess rainwater. “It’s really down pouring out there.” He commented, eliciting an annoyed grunt from Gerard.  
“I can’t believe there’s only a week until the trial.” Frank commented as they walked into Brent’s office, leaving puddles of footprints down the tile hallway.   
“Yeah, time seems to move far too quickly when you have a lot going on, huh?” Brent said as he took a seat at his desk. Both men nodded and took their usual seats in front of him, feeling uneasy as this was the last meeting they would have.  
“Ok, so, today I just want to go over your thoughts. I want to know what concerns you have, what is worrying you, etcetera.” Brent said, pulling out a notebook from his briefcase. “I feel we have pretty accurately prepared, but it’s a lot to process, so any worries you might have…”   
“I’m just nervous in general.” Gerard interrupted.  
“It’s normal to be.” Brent answered quickly. “But, you have nothing to be afraid of. Bert is on trial here, not you, and when you take the stand…” Brent trailed off. “Just remember that, ok? The defense is going to get very personal; they want you to feel like you’re being prosecuted.”   
Gerard glanced at Frank who was nodding in understanding with Brent.   
“It’s a common defense technique to try and make victim testimonies seem inconsequential or fictitious. Just stick to your story, and be honest. There is a lot of evidence stacked up against Bert; your testimonies will only be the nail in the coffin for him.” Brent assured, but Gerard couldn’t help the pit of despair he was feeling in his chest.   
“Now Frank, while Gerard’s testimony is expected to be emotionally accused, yours will be based likely on fact and recollection of the night’s events. I know we have gone over that night a few times, did you have any questions or concerns about giving your testament?” Brent turned his attention to Frank, who was nodding his head no before he could continue. Frank had gone over that night a million times in his head, and he knew exactly how it transpired.   
“Ok, just making sure…your testimony has to match up perfectly with the timeline of events that we handed over to the judge, any inconsistencies could cause confusion, and possible doubt.” Brent said, trying not to sound accusatory, but making sure Frank was prepared.  
“I’ve gone over it again and again. I could never forget how it happened.” Frank assured. He grabbed Gerard’s trembling hand, and intertwined their fingers, earning a relieved sigh from his boyfriend.  
“Great.” Brent nodded, closing his notebook. “Listen, Gerard, Frank…I’m so sorry that this happened, but I promise you the best legal defense I can offer. I’m sorry we had to get to know each other under these circumstances.” He said earnestly. Brent truly felt pain for the couple, especially knowing how much Lindsey loved Gerard, and now, Frank.  
“Brent, we can’t thank you enough, really. This is….by far, the most generous thing anyone has ever done for me.” Gerard said. “I hope you’ll let us buy you a drink when this is all over.” He cracked a small smile, earning a chuckle from Brent and Frank.  
“I’ll hold you to it.” Brent winked. “How’s Mikey doing, by the way? Lindsey told me he was going through a rough patch.” Brent thought better than to say “addiction” knowing that it was a sensitive topic, but Gerard still felt the sting as if he had.  
“Better. He’s strong; I think he’ll make it on Wednesday.” Frank said.  
“I’m happy to hear that, tell him I said hello, ok?”  
Gerard nodded, feeling a little better thinking about Mikey’s progress.  
The three chatted for a while longer, going over the last details of the case and exchanging their last minute thoughts. Gerard and Frank left Brent’s office after about an hour, both happy and sad that it would likely be the last time they needed to step into it. Both men were pleased the trial was nearing, meaning they could put this whole ordeal to rest, but apprehensive for what the coming week would bring.  
As they approached the car, Frank took a hold of Gerard’s hand, lovingly squeezing it while opening the passenger door for him. It was drizzling still, but not enough to be more than a mild annoyance.  
“Hungry?” Frank asked once he slipped in the driver’s seat alongside his boyfriend.   
“Starving. What did you have in mind?” Gerard asked, brushing the raindrops off of his arms.  
“Takeout? Don’t want to leave Mikey home alone for too long.” Frank replied.  
“Yeah, good idea. I’ll call him and see what he wants.”   
Frank nodded, agreeing, and started the car. Gerard fumbled with his phone, clicking on Mikey’s contact, only for it to go straight to voicemail.  
“No answer, phones off?” Gerard said, confused.  
“I’m sure he’s just sleeping. You know what he likes; you can order something for him and head we’ll home, ok? Don’t worry about it.” Frank said, placing a gentle hand on Gerard’s shoulder. Gerard furrowed his brow, trying to ignore his anxiety.  
Gerard remained in the car while Frank ran in the small café they chose to pick dinner up from. The restaurant was quick and on the way, and Gerard really only chose it because he knew it would be the fastest way to get home to Mikey. Gerard fidgeted his thumbs and stared out the window while Frank was getting their food, thoughts rotating in his head. He tried dialing Mikey again, just for the hell of it, and as expected – straight to voicemail.  
“Goddamnit.” He muttered to himself, just as Frank got back in the car.  
Frank raised an eyebrow at him, questioningly, and Gerard just held up his phone, letting Frank know there was still no answer from Mikey. Without another word, Frank put the car in drive, dropping the bag of food in Gerard’s lap and drove, just a little too fast, home.  
“Mikes?” Gerard beckoned as he opened the door. Frank followed closely behind, carrying the takeout containers in his arms. Gerard took a quick look around the living room, followed by the kitchen, paying little attention to Frank who was nearly dropping their dinner.   
“Mikey?” Gerard shouted through the hallway. He opened the spare bedroom door without knocking, Mikey’s privacy be damned.  
“Mikes?” He questioned – nothing.  
After five minutes of thoroughly searching every room, Gerard and Frank realized that Mikey wasn’t home. It took Gerard a few minutes to accept it, instead looking in each room again and again in case he missed his brother the first time he looked, but it was pointless.  
“Gee, he’s not here…” Frank said, wrapping his arms around Gerard’s waist from behind.  
“Where the fuck is he?” Gerard whimpered, terrified. He tried dialing Mikey’s number again, only to receive his voicemail once again.  
“How could he do this?” Gerard questioned, just as he heard the front door open.  
“Mikey?!” He yelled immediately running back into the living room.  
“Yeah, it’s me.” Mikey replied, shutting the door behind him.  
“What the fuck, Mikey?” Gerard shouted, grabbing Mikey by his shoulders roughly. “Why is your phone off?”   
“Sorry, it died...” He said, eyes wide at his brother’s newfound rage.  
“Where the hell were you?” Gerard shouted, again, shoving Mikey harder.  
“I went to Alicia’s!” Mikey yelled back, pushing his brother away.  
“Bullshit!” Gerard yelled, pinning Mikey back against the wall.  
“I was! Ask her!” Mikey rebutted.  
“Why wouldn’t you just tell me that?!” Gerard screamed, unbelieving.   
“Because! I thought I would be back before you got home. I didn’t plan on going or I would have, I just…I don’t know...” Mikey sighed. Gerard loosened his grip on his brother’s shoulders, still not breaking eye contact. Frank watched the two brothers argue, wondering if he should excuse himself, but unable to tear his eyes away.  
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” Gerard asked seriously, breathing heavy into Mikey’s face.  
“Because you have to trust me, Gerard.” Mikey stared into his brother’s red face, he didn’t look angry anymore, just scared. Gerard let go of Mikey with a sigh, and turned away, walking back towards the couch.  
“Fine.” He mumbled.  
“I’m doing better, Gee. I need your support, not your permission.” Mikey said, still standing up against the wall, brushing his shoulder’s off from where Gerard had been squeezing them. He really didn’t know his own strength sometimes.  
The room was silent for a few minutes, Gerard staring at the floor, and Mikey fidgeting at his shirt.  
“He’s right, Gee…” Frank said quietly.  
“I know…” Gerard replied with a sigh “but that doesn’t keep me from worrying.”   
“I’m sorry. I won’t go out without letting you know where I’ll be again.” Mikey said, taking a step towards his brother. He understood how worried he was, and suddenly felt guilty. Mikey never had to answer to anyone before, even his mother let him come and go as he pleased when he was a teenager. He never had given them any reason to distrust him, and it quickly dawned upon him that now he had – and he’d terrified his brother in doing so.  
Gerard grunted, defeated, and pulled his brother into a hug.  
“I don’t want that, Mikes, I just want to know you’re safe. I don’t need to know where you are every minute, but just…keep your phone charged, leave a note, something…” Gerard said, squeezing his brother’s shoulders.  
“Ok, Gee…ok” Mikey replied, hugging tightly.  
Once the brothers separated, Frank held up the takeout containers, eliciting a grin from Mikey who sat on the couch next to his brother.  
“So…Alicia’s, huh?” Gerard asked, handing Mikey a plate. “Spill.”  
Mikey laughed and rolled his eyes, knowing he would need to tell his brother every detail, just like he did when they were kids. He figured he owed it to him for making him worry, anyway. Mikey got comfortable and waited for Frank to dole out their food before jumping into his story, prepared to tell them everything.


	22. House of Wolves, Part 1

“I can’t do this, Frankie.” Gerard said through gritted teeth. Frank was fixing his tie and straightening his suit jacket. He placed his hands on Gerard’s cheeks when he was done, holding his head firmly to keep his gazed fixed on him. He looked him in the eyes and saw his anxiety building, eyes trying to dart around the room.  
“Look at me, Gee.” Frank said sternly. Gerard looked into Frank’s eyes, a combination of serious and beautiful. “Yes you can, baby. You’re going to do great.” Frank said earnestly. “I’ll be there the whole time.”   
Gerard nodded, trying to keep his composure. “In and out, remember?” Frank whispered to Gerard, stroking his cheek with his thumb. Gerard shut his eyes and counted to ten slowly in his head.   
“In….and out…” He repeated.  
“Good boy.” Frank joked, earning him a cheeky grin from his boyfriend.  
“I love you, Frank.” Gerard said, tone more relaxed.  
“I love you too, Gee.” Frank released Gerard’s face, and patted his lapel signaling he was done fixing his suit. “You look really sexy in a suit, you know.” He teased.  
“Yeah? You don’t look half bad, yourself.” Gerard replied, smacking Frank playfully on the ass, making him jump. Two could play at that game.  
“Just wait until I get you back home.” Frank cooed, lips pressed just under Gerard’s jaw. He kissed the area lightly and pulled away, walking out of the room.  
“Asshole.” Gerard whined to himself, now alone in their bedroom and sexually frustrated. 

“Well don’t you clean up nicely, Mikes?” Frank commented to Mikey who was sitting on the couch, bored, in a dress shirt and tie. “Must run in the family.”   
Mikey groaned. “Feel like I’m in a goddamn straight jacket.”   
“But you look so cute, little brother.” Gerard commented, walking in from the hallway. Mikey ignored him. “You know you’re gonna have to put on a jacket for Lindsey’s wedding next month, right?”   
“Yeah well, I don’t have to today, so I’ll worry about that when the time comes, won’t I?” Mikey mocked, raising his eyebrow at his brother.  
“S’it raining?” Gerard asked, changing the subject.  
“Just a little, pretty warm out actually. Like 70 something. We’re gonna be sweating in these.” Frank replied, sipping a cup of coffee. Gerard made grabby hands at his boyfriend, who rolled his eyes and passed the cup to Gerard.  
“See, who’s the smart one not wearing a jacket?” Mikey teased, smirking.  
“Shut up, Mikey.” Gerard and Frank said in unison, eliciting laughter from the both of them while Mikey continued to groan.  
Once Frank was able to contain his amusement, he grabbed Gerard by the waist and pulled him in for a kiss, ignoring Mikey’s protests. Gerard smiled around his lips, kissing him back.   
“Jealous?” Gerard harassed Mikey when they pulled away. Mikey made a horrified face but couldn’t hold back his laughter.  
“Alright boys, let’s not fight over me. There’s plenty to go around.” Frank teased.   
“Not if I have anything to say about it.” Gerard rebutted, grabbing Frank by his lapel before pulling him in for another kiss.  
“Can we go please? I really don’t want to be here right now and the driving into Jersey is going to take two hours, too damn early for this.” Mikey whined.  
“So sassy.” Gerard commented, grinning at Mikey.   
“Uh huh.” He muttered, grabbing his phone and pocketing it before heading for the front door. “I’ll be in the car when you two lovebirds decide to join me.”   
“Well. We can’t keep his majesty waiting, we’d better follow him.” Frank joked, pulling Gerard by the hand out the door after Mikey.

“You alright?” Lindsey asked a pacing Brent. They were inside the courthouse, in the sitting area where the lawyers and their clients typically waited to be beckoned for trial. They were early, as Brent insisted he had to be there before everyone else as usual. He needed the time to clear his head.  
“Yeah, yeah. Just nervous, I guess.” He replied, smiling slightly at his fiancé.  
“I haven’t seen you nervous for a case in all the time I’ve known you, B.” She commented, standing up to reach him. “You’re doing a good thing for them. I love you so much for this, you know?”  
“I know. I just know how much this means to you, and them and honestly, to me, too. I’ve become friends with them, too, and if I let them down…Lynz…” He sighed.  
“You won’t.” She said confidently, pressing her lips to his. 

“Hey you two.” Gerard said, with Frank and Mikey following behind. Lindsey and Brent parted quickly, giggling at each other like children.  
“Hey, how are you feeling?” Lindsey asked.  
“I guess as good as we could be, considering.” Frank laughed nervously.  
“Well, you look very nice.” She said smiling.  
“Thanks, Lynz.” Gerard replied, kissing her on the cheek.  
“Good to see you again, Mikey.” Brent said, smiling at the younger Way and outstretching his hand to shake Mikey’s. Mikey’s face flushed with embarrassment as he turned his gave towards the ground.  
“Uh, yeah…listen; I’m really sorry for how I acted when…” He stuttered, taking a hold of Brent’s hand timidly, before being interrupted.  
“Mikey, don’t worry about it.” Brent said, putting a hand on Mikey’s shoulder. “You’re better now. I’m happy to see you.” Brent raised his eyebrows at Mikey; he was being honest and Mikey felt slightly better, but still fairly humiliated at the way he acted in Brent’s office. He didn’t remember much of the encounter, but he did remember acting like an ass.  
“So, how does this all work?” Frank asked, breaking the tension. Mikey glanced at him, silently saying thank you before letting out a sigh.  
“Well…” Brent started before returning his hands to his pant pockets. “They’ll brief us, introduce the jury to the plaintiff – us and the state of New Jersey, and then the defendant – Bert.” He continued. “We might get all three of your testimonies in today, we may not. We do know they’re probably going to want to start with Mikey and Frank, to get the factual details out in the open before moving on the Gerard’s and the motive behind the attack’s…”   
“Mr. Russell?” Brent was interrupted. All eyes turned to the mousey woman holding open the door to the courtroom. “We’re ready for you.”   
Frank grabbed Gerard’s hand tight, and Gerard squeezed back, heart racing. The woman disappeared back into the room before they could react, leaving the five of them to silently process the words she had said.   
Brent nodded to them, and led the way into the courtroom. 

There were a few people scattered in the back rows of the brightly lit courtroom, and a neatly aligned row of people sitting at the side– Gerard assumed this to be the jury, other than that, the room felt eerily empty. Gerard, Frank, Mikey and Brent took a seat on the far left, nearest the jury, in front of a wooden table while Lindsey took a seat in the back. The table was clear aside from a pitcher of room temperature water and plastic cups. Brent quickly pushed it away and placed his briefcase down on the table, opening it to reveal countless, deftly stacked papers.   
Brent sat closest to the middle of the room, and nearest to where the defense would be sitting – where Bert would be sitting. Next to Brent was Gerard, followed by Frank, then Mikey. Frank still held on to Gerard’s hand tightly, very nearly like he would run away if he let go. In Frank’s defense, Gerard was considering it, and he couldn’t make any promises once Bert walked in the room.   
It was just as they got situated at the table, Brent with papers scattered in front of him that an older white haired gentleman walked in, followed by two police officers and Bert who eyes immediately landed on Gerard. Bert looked surprisingly clean cut, more so than Gerard had ever seen him; his hair was pulled back tightly, and his face shaven. He was in a suit, though his hands were cuffed behind his back as he was led in by the officers. Gerard swallowed hard, apparently visibly, because Frank squeezed his hand fleetingly. Gerard looked away then, but could still feel Bert’s eyes boring into his skull.

“Thank you all for joining us today.” The judge spoke. “We are here to plead the case for Robert E McCracken represented by Attorney Richard Bosslet, defendant against Gerard A. Way, Frank A. Iero Jr., and Michael J. Way as well as the State of New Jersey, represented by Attorney Brent Russell. We will begin with opening statements, beginning with the prosecution. Mr. Russell…” The judge waived his hand signaling for Brent to begin.   
“Thank you, your honor.” Brent stood from his chair and placed a quick hand on Gerard’s shoulder, letting him recognize silently “I’ve got this.” It helped.  
“Firstly, I would like to thank our jury for sacrificing their valuable time for this public service. It is greatly appreciated. I would like to begin by introducing my clients – Mr. Gerard Way, Mr. Frank Iero, and Mr. Michael Way. The unfortunate reason for our meeting today, is our defendant.” Brent pointed towards Bert, who scowled while his Richard rolled his eyes. “Robert McCracken, a man who has caused my clients unimaginable pain in recent months. It is a miracle that Mr. Iero was not done permanent damage by Mr. McCracken on the night of February 18th when he shot him, intending definitively, to kill him.”   
The words were true, but it didn’t stop the bolt of electricity that it sent through Gerard’s spine upon hearing him. Bert had tried to kill Frank, he knew that, but it still felt so surreal. Frank was alive and it was a miracle.  
“My clients had traveled to New Jersey, from their homes in New York for nothing other than a pleasant visit to see family – specifically, Mrs. Donna Way, Gerard and Michael’s mother. It was on the first night that they arrived, that the unthinkable happened. Michael – having the opportunity to meet with old friends, did what anyone would do, and made plans to meet and catch up. It was around midnight that Mr. McCracken showed up in the establishment they were visiting. Michael Way attempted to leave the establishment prior to any altercation with Mr. McCracken, as he was known to harass my client.”  
“Objection! He never harassed anyone…” Richard interjected.  
“These are opening statements only, Mr. Bosslet, please refrain from interruptions. You will have your chance to plead the case for Mr. McCracken shortly. Please proceed, Mr. Russell.”  
“Thank you, your honor.” Brent shot a warning look towards Richard, who cleared his throat. “As Michael Way was leaving the establishment, the defendant cornered him and beat him without mercy. The defendant cracked two of Mr. Way’s ribs, nearly broke his nose, bruised his left eye socket so severely that is shut completely, and threatened him with a hand gun.” Brent walked forwards towards the judge, handing him a stack of papers.  
“Medical records for Michael Way from the early morning of February 19th where he was treated for his injuries.” He said shortly. The judge reviewed the documents quickly, and handed them to the bailiff placed smartly at his side and motioned to the jury. The bailiff gave each jury member a copy, and each person scanned them with interest, making Mikey feel exposed and embarrassed. Frank must have sensed this because he placed a gentle hand on his bouncing leg, helping to still him. How did Frank always know when someone needed that? Mikey wondered momentarily; he had some type of sixth sense about these things he guessed.  
“Shortly after assaulting and beating my client, Mr. McCracken arrived at the residence of Mrs. Donna Way, intending to confront Mr. Frank Iero and Mr. Gerard Way. The two were attempting to leave the residence when the defendant met them in the driveway. Mr. McCracken immediately assaulted and hit Mr. Iero, subsequently grabbing Mr. Way and proceeding to argue with him. Gerard Way insisted he was not interested, and asked him to leave. Upon his refusal, my clients turned to leave, effectively ending the argument, when Mr. McCracken pulled out his weapon and shot Frank Iero, hitting him in the left bicep.” Brent handed more papers to the judge, likely Frank’s medical records. These too, were distributed among the jury who read them with caution.  
“To sum up my opening statement, I would like to ask that you imagine yourselves in my clients’ shoes. The recent months have been a living hell for them, all caused by the defendant. Robert McCracken intended to do harm that night, and he succeeded by nearly ending Mr. Iero’s life, and causing unbelievable pain to Mr. Frank Iero, Mr. Michael Way and Mr. Gerard Way – emotional and very obviously physical. Thank you.”  
And Brent sat back down, as everyone remained silent for a few moments. There was the slight sound of paper shuffling, and some sniffling from behind him which Gerard recognized to be Lindsey.  
“Thank you, Mr. Russell. Mr. Bosslet, please state your defense.”   
“Thank you, your honor.” Richard stood, towering and exuding confidence. Gerard felt small – insignificant in his presence. He wondered briefly how the hell Bert was affording a lawyer like this; then quickly realized that he didn’t care to know.  
“Your honor, citizens of the jury, I ask you to take what Mr. Russell has said with a grain of salt.” Richard sighed and turned his attention towards the small panel of jurors. “Mr. McCracken has been on an emotional rollercoaster since Mr. Gerard Way so heartlessly left him while he was at work one day in the winter of 2012. Mr. McCracken loved, and still loves, Mr. Way, and unfortunately, his cruelty led him to a mental breakdown – the one that took place on February 18th, 2016.”   
Gerard was shaking at this point, remembering the courage it took for him to leave Bert and how he agonized for the months following; terrified that Bert would find him and kill him. This wasn’t his fault, and how dare they try and make it seem as though it was. Gerard left everything behind when he left New Jersey. He couldn’t go home to his mothers, Bert would find him. He had to leave with nothing, so that he couldn’t be followed. How fucking dare they say he was the cruel one when Bert was the one who stripped Gerard of everything he ever was.  
“My client entered the establishment, not looking for trouble. Mr. McCracken is a good person, never been in trouble with the law.” Richard pointed out, and Gerard couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Yeah, sure, he hadn’t been in trouble with the law before – he never got caught.   
“He wanted to exchange pleasantries with Mr. Michael Way, and when he dismissed him, Mr. McCracken became upset. He had been worried sick about his boyfriend whom had disappeared four years earlier. Michael didn’t want to cooperate, when Mr. McCracken simply wanted to ensure he was doing well.” Gerard had to physically restrain himself from the groan that was building in his throat at this point, instead gripping onto his boyfriends hand in a gesture that had to be getting painful for Frank.  
“My client had a breakdown at that point, and Mr. Michael Way assaulted him, hitting him in the face. Mr. McCracken had no choice but to fight back. It was simply self-defense, and unfortunately for Mr. Way, Mr. McCracken seemed to be a bit stronger than him, resulting in slightly worse injuries. My client had injuries of his own; however, at that point, my client felt he needed to confront his ex-boyfriend, Gerard Way, both to ensure he was OK and to finally end his mental torment in wondering what happened.”   
Richard said “what happened” with such conviction, like Bert really was unsure what went wrong. Really? Really? Gerard wondered. What went wrong?   
He beat me constantly!   
Gerard meant to think it, but he accidentally let the words slip from his mouth in between gritted teeth and tears that were streaming down his cheeks. It came out as a whimper, though, eliciting only a few questioning glances from those within earshot of him. Richard continued undisturbed.  
“When Mr. McCracken arrived, both Mr. Iero and Mr. Way were belligerent, refusing to acknowledge him or give him any type of closure. My client was having an emotional breakdown; in fact he hardly remembers the events that took place that night. He was acting on autopilot, unaware of his actions. His mental status was obviously not clear at the time, and I truly believe that this could have been avoided had Mr. Way simply talked to my client and provided him with closure and reasoning. Instead, he rejected him, caused him emotional pain and damage, ultimately leading up to the unfortunate accident where Mr. Iero was injured. Thank you.”   
And that was it; Richard sat back down as if it was as simple as that. As if Bert hadn’t tried to kill Frank, as if he hadn’t beat Gerard nearly every day of their relationship, as if he hadn’t threatened him with certain death should he ever try to leave. It was an accident. Just an accident, as if guns just accidentally shoot people. Gerard had been brave, he had left, started a new life – and Bert tried to destroy it all. It wasn’t simple; it wasn’t fucking simple at all. It wasn’t a mental breakdown; it wasn’t a breakdown at all. There was nothing to break, nothing to be broken and now nothing to be fixed.  
It was complex and excruciating, and Gerard wondered if Bert even understood the gravity of this situation; the pain he had caused or the effect of his actions. He didn’t look sad, he looked emotionless. Bert looked around the room as if he didn’t know where he was or why he was there. His lawyer certainly seemed to think Bert had done this as an act of passion, what did Bert believe? It was at that point Gerard pondered if Bert really was insane.


	23. House of Wolves, Part 2

The prosecution and defense, namely Brent and Richard, had been going at it in 15 minute increments for the past three hours, and although Gerard wanted to say he had been paying attention the entire time, after the first hour, it was next to impossible. Something about the drawl of lawyer speak; Richard’s monotone voice and the obnoxiously turned heat in the room made Gerard want to crawl into bed. Frank found himself resting his head on Gerard’s shoulder more than once, involuntarily. Twice Mikey poked him in the ribs, making him jump back into a sitting position. His legs kept bouncing next to Frank, nearly rocking Frank to sleep – he wasn’t helping. This isn’t to say Mikey was paying attention, he wasn’t. He was daydreaming, staring at the blank cream walls in front of him, sometimes focusing on the cracks in the floor intermittently. At least he wasn’t falling asleep. 

“Alright. I believe we have heard enough of the timeline of events. I would like to take an hour recess for lunch and return at 2:30 sharp to begin with witness testimony.” The judge bashed his gavel, shooting consciousness through the boys. Gerard and Frank looked at each other, mentally questioning each other “what?”, only to be met by a shrug in unison.  
“Lunch.” Brent answered for them, as if he knew what they were thinking. Brent knew it wasn’t unusual for his clients to start tuning out after hearing the same thing said a hundred times over in a room with acoustics like a blanket. There were times when Brent thought he could sleep standing up in these rooms.   
Mikey was already halfway out the door heading for the bathroom when Frank and Gerard groggily stood up from their seats, back’s cracking from being settled in the same position for so long.  
“Uh, I don’t really know this area well. This isn’t a part of Jersey I’m familiar with.” Gerard said to Frank as they made their exit towards the building.   
“Good thing you’re with me then, yeah?” Frank teased.  
“How far from here did you grow up?” Gerard asked, intertwining their fingers together as they walked.  
“About 20 minutes, just west of here.”   
“Have you ever been back?” Gerard questioned, knowing Frank didn’t talk much about his family.  
“Sure. Once or twice a year. It’s just my mom back home, and she’s gotten married since I left, so I try not to drop in unexpectedly.”   
“You never told me you had a stepdad.” Gerard said, taken aback. Sometimes Gerard pondered how much he really knew about Frank. Sure, Frank told him stories, but every so often it felt like he was withholding information.   
“Yeah, he’s kind of a douchebag.” Frank laughed. “I don’t really consider him my stepdad, just the guy my mom married after I left.” Franks eyes averted to the ground, letting Gerard know this was a conversation he probably didn’t want to have right now.  
“Maybe you can introduce me one day?” Gerard asked, unable to drop the topic completely.  
“My mom would love you.” Frank responded, a smile falling back upon his face as he reached in his pocket for the car keys.  
Gerard giggled in response as Frank opened the passenger door for him.  
“Gonna open the door for me too, handsome?” Mikey batted his eyelashes, making his way towards the car, cigarette between his lips and hips swaying an exaggeratedly feminine motion.  
“You’re not broken, you can manage.” Frank mocked back, shutting the door for Gerard and walking to the driver side.  
“Well, damn.” Mikey retorted, fumbling with the door handle limply. Frank just raised his eyebrows and waited for Mikey to end his false fit. After a minute or two of pretending to be physically inept, Mikey opened the back door and shot a toothy grin towards Frank.  
“You good?” Frank questioned, worried for Mikey’s mental stability.  
“Mikey open door.” He identified before slumping into the back seat childishly.  
“Nice job, sport.” Frank teased. Gerard just rolled his eyes, trying not to show his amusement at whatever this back-and-forth between his boyfriend and brother was.  
“Where’d Lindsey and Brent go?” Frank asked.  
“Dunno. I think Brent has to stay, so I’m assuming Lindsey probably is, too. I’ll text and ask if they want us to bring them back something.” Gerard replied, rummaging in his pocket for his phone.   
“Cool.” Frank replied simply before driving off.   
Frank took them into town, Newark, to be specific. It wasn’t far from Belleville, where Frank grew up, maybe 20 minutes if you took McCarter Highway, half hour if you took Broadway. Belleville was basically buttfuck nowhere compared to where Gerard and Mikey lived, so every trip into Newark was a treat for Frank when he was a kid.  
The Way’s had the privilege to live in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, the closest thing to a major city between Philadelphia and New York. Well, that’s not entirely true, there was Trenton…but you stayed out of Trenton if you didn’t want to get mugged, so it didn’t count.  
“Where are we?” Gerard asked, peering out the window as they turned onto a somewhat busy one way street.  
“Newark.”   
“Oh, I know Newark. My mom used to take Mikey up here to the eye doctor.”   
“All the way here from Cherry Hill? That’s, like, over an hour drive; don’t they have eye Doctors in Cherry Hill?” Frank questioned.  
“Probably. But, Mikey’s got some fucked up eyes, needed some type of special doctor.” He joked earning a kick to the back of his seat from his disgruntled brother.  
Frank parked in front of a coffee shop, one his mom and he used to frequent when they would visit the city. He hoped the food was as good as he remembered, and this wasn’t just a case of nostalgia.   
“Mmm, smells good.” Gerard commented upon entry. It smelled like espresso and pastries, just like Frank remembered.   
“Try the orange scones.” Frank remarked. “They’re to die for.” Gerard nodded, ordering himself one along with a large Americano and a BLT. Frank got himself a vegan blueberry muffin, his favorite from the shop, a soy latte and some type of meatless salad that Gerard couldn’t remember the name of. Mikey ended up with some overly dramatic frozen drink, topped with whipped cream and caramel sauce, a donut and a chocolate pastry. Gerard just rolled his eyes, knowing that when faced with the opportunity to eat dessert for his meal, Mikey would always do just that.  
“So, who do you think will go first?” Mikey asked in between bites, talking about the testimonies, but not actually wanting to say those words for fear that would make them real. They were sat near the window in a small booth, watching passers-by.   
“Honestly? Probably you.” Frank commented. “They’re going to want to start from the beginning, right?”  
“I figured.” Mikey furrowed his brow, shrewdly, and sighed before crumpling his trash and standing from his seat. “Gonna need a cigarette first.” He said simply before disappearing back outside.  
Gerard made a sympathetic face at Mikey as he walked out the door, still reeling from guilt. Frank laced his fingers with Gerard’s which had been bouncing on the table top, helping to still him momentarily.   
“Turkey club, chef salad, and two muffins to go?” A bashful waitress interrupted the silence with two neatly packed containers in her hand.  
“Perfect, thank you so much.” Gerard smiled at her, grabbing the takeout from her. He hoped they would get back in enough time for Brent and Lindsey to eat. The waitress nodded her head at the couple, and returned to her station up front at the register.  
The three drove back to the courthouse with 20 minutes to spare, giving Brent and Lindsey just enough time to eat most of their lunch, and save their muffins for later. Brent commented that he would need the sugar near the afternoon, anyway.  
Too quickly the five of them were back in the courtroom, awaiting the judge to take his place on the bench. Lindsey returned to her place in the back of the room, Brent to Gerard’s right and Frank and Mikey to his left. Gerard felt oddly safe between his boyfriend and his lawyer, who was turning out to be more than a friend than anything else now. He had practically forgotten Bert’s existence when he strode into the room, eyes tearing in Gerard’s direction.   
Gerard heard the door shift open, the quiet mumble of voices and the unlocking of handcuffs, followed by chairs shuffling and someone clearing their throat. Gerard made no movement for fear of catching eyes with Bert, but yet he could feel his gaze piercing his skin like fire.   
“Please stand for the honorable Judge Albert Pizzano.” The bailiff spoke, and everyone rose from their chairs. Once the judge was placed at his podium, he motioned for everyone to be seated and pointed to Richard and Brent. Both lawyers perched next to the stand, listening intently to the judge’s whispered words. Gerard saw Brent visibly stiffen as he made his return, slipping a nod in Mikey’s direction.  
“We will now begin with witness testimony, beginning with the sequence in which the events took place.” The judge stated. “We will begin with Mr. Michael J. Way. Mr Way…” He trailed on.  
Mikey stood slowly, yet with a confidence that only Mikey could fake so convincingly. Brent led him to the stand as the bailiff held out a bible in front of Mikey, directing his hand on top of it.  
“Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, under pains and penalties of perjury?”   
“I do.” Mikey stated, and Gerard felt the sudden urge to yell “Mazel Tov!” But this wasn’t a wedding, it was a courtroom, and they weren’t even Jewish. Gerard had had too much espresso.   
“We will begin with questions from the prosecution. Brent, please proceed.” The judge ordered.  
“Thank you, your honor. Mr. Way, can you confirm that the statement of events I described during our opening statements is accurate?” Brent asked, smiling at Mikey reassuringly.  
“Yes.”  
“Good. Can you please tell the jury your version of the events that took place on the night of February 18th?”   
Mikey swallowed and nodded, his hands fidgeting in his lap.  
“I went out with some friends, from high school. I hadn’t seen them in a while and we met at this bar that we used to go to when we were kids, you know? It was sometime around midnight when Bert walked in.” Brent nodded, signaling for Mikey to continue. “I got up to leave because every time Bert would see me somewhere, he would question me about Gerard. He followed me outside I guess, and pinned me up against the wall. He said something about Gerard and I just lost my temper…I hit him in the face. I know I shouldn’t have, but he had been doing this for years and I was just so tired of him asking questions when Gerard clearly left him for a reason.” Mikey sighed. “He just beat me after that; I didn’t get another punch in or anything. I asked him to stop, but he just kept punching and kicking me. Then he pulled out a handgun, and told me he would kill me if I didn’t tell him where Gerard was. I didn’t answer him, but he must have put it together because he kicked me one last time and left. And that was it…” Gerard let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in; Mikey was so fucking strong.  
“Thank you, so much, Michael.” Brent said, smirking at Mikey, because he would never actually call him by his full name in anything other than this particular setting. “You said that Gerard had clearly left him for a reason. Can you elaborate?”  
“Bert abused him for the entire relationship. Gerard was always showing up with a black eye or a split lip; new bruises every time I saw him.” Mikey’s eyes turned to Gerard pleading a silent “I’m sorry”, though he had no reason to be.  
“I can understand why your response to constant harassment from the defendant would be to lash out and hit him. Was there something in particular, however, that he said or did to evoke this response?” Brent asked. He knew the answer; knew what Brent had said to make Mikey punch him, but he needed Mikey to say it so that the jury would have the same reaction he did – disgust.  
“Yes…” Mikey paused, wiping at the sweat that had formed on his forehead. Brent nodded, requesting him to continue. “He called him a dirty faggot, said he would always go running back to him. It’s not true, Gerard worked so hard to get away from him, and I couldn’t stand to hear another word.” Mikey admitted. The jury was, unnervingly, silent; however Frank caught a few of their sympathetic reactions.  
“Thank you, your honor?” Brent turned his attention to the judge, signaling that he was finished with his questions. Mikey would have to answer plenty more from Richard.  
“Mr. Bosslet, please proceed.” He said, gaining a smug smile from Richard in response. He wasted no time strolling up to the witness stand where Mikey was perched, expression neutral.   
“Mr. Way, to clarify, you do admit that you threw the first punch that evening?” He asked, getting straight to the point.  
“Yes, I did.” Mikey said, confidently. He may have swung first, but Bert took things too far and Mikey knew this.   
“So, then wouldn’t you agree that my clients response was in self-defense to your attack?” He questioned smugly.   
“No – Bert is bigger than me, stronger than me. I knew he could take me easy; the punch wasn’t to start a fight. It was for all of the pain he caused my brother. Bert wasn’t acting in self-defense when he beat me nearly to death, not against one punch.” Mikey answered. Richard made a grumbling sound in response, obviously not expecting Mikey’s response to be so coherent.  
“Mhm.” Was Richard’s eventual response. “Can you tell me, Mr. Way, did you ever witness any of your brother’s alleged abuse?” Richard asked with a smirk, knowing he was hitting a nerve.  
“I didn’t have to, it was obvious. Every time I saw him he had a new injury with some excuse that didn’t add up. After a year of barraging him, I finally got the truth – that Bert had been abusing him for a long time.”  
“But you never actually witnessed any of the abuse in person? You only had the word of your brother to go by, correct?” Richard questioned.  
“Uh, I guess not, but I don’t think even Bert would be stupid enough to try and beat my own brother in front of me.” Mikey choked back a chortle in disbelief. Was he serious right now?  
“Mmm.” Richard hummed, apparently satisfied at Mikey’s witness, or lack thereof. “No farther questions. Thank you.”  
Mikey hesitantly walked from the podium, taking his seat next to Frank again. Frank swiftly squeezed his elbow, pulling him close. He smiled at him sincerely, and Mikey blew out a sigh of relief that at least his testimony was over.   
“We will now move on to Mr. Iero’s testimony.” The judge declared, motioning towards where Frank was seated. Gerard grasped his thigh, rubbing circles with his thumb as Frank pulled his chair out with a wail against the wooden floor. “I love you.” Gerard whispered as Frank passed behind him, sauntering towards the stand.   
The bailiff stood before him as he took his place behind the post, holding the same blue bible that Mikey had sworn on not long ago.   
“Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, under pains and penalties of perjury?”   
Frank briefly wondered how many how many people’s hands had been in the same place his was now, positioned flatly on the old book that had likely never been read. He pondered how many people swore on this book and subsequently lied on the stand. Frank didn’t plan to lie, he had no reason to, however the act of swearing on the bible made him shudder. Coming from a religious upbringing that instilled the belief “all faggots go to hell”, he was concerned that perhaps the bible would burst into flames upon touching it. But, alas, it did not, and now the bailiff was eyeing him curiously because he had yet to respond to his oath.   
“Yes.” He avowed, sitting stiffly next to the judge. Brent smiled at him reassuringly.  
“Mr. Iero, thank you for allowing us to hear your testimony today.” He said, giving Frank a chance to get comfortable and relax a bit. “Frank, I have taken the liberty of dispersing a copy of your medical records to the jury, can you please confirm these records are accurate?” Brent questioned, handing a small packet of papers to Frank. Frank eyed them silently for a moment, and shook his head.  
“Yes, these are accurate.” He responded.  
“Great, thank you. I’m going to ask you a series of questions, Frank, if you need clarification please let me know.” Brent said, and Frank nodded. He had prepared Frank, asked him these questions in advance, and warned him that his testimony would be more in depth than Mikey’s. He was ready for this; definitely. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself.  
“On the night of February 18th, can you confirm that it was indeed Robert McCracken that shot you?”   
“Yes.” Frank replied.  
“Is there anything that you did, or said, to provoke Mr. McCracken on that night such as physically engage him?” Brent asked.  
“No.”   
“Is it true that upon Mr. McCracken’s arrival, before speaking to you or Mr. Way, he physically assaulted you?” Brent questioned, now turning to look towards the jury.  
“Yes.”  
“Can you tell me how he assaulted you?”   
“He punched me in the jaw.” Frank responded.  
“And would you say that you had any time at all before his assault to respond to him or defend yourself?”  
“Uh, no. No. One minute a car pulled up and he jumped out, ran towards us, and the next minute his fist was in my face.” He replied confidently.   
“And when Mr. McCracken approached Mr. Way after attacking you, how did you react?”   
“I stood close to Gerard, but I didn’t argue with Bert. I knew he was dangerous.”   
“Did you engage in confrontation with Mr. McCracken at all?” Brent probed.   
“No. I just told him to leave.” Frank replied. Brent knew what Frank actually said was “hey man, fuck off” but they both agreed that that was basically asking for him to leave.   
“At what point did Mr. McCracken pull the gun on you?”   
“Gerard and I turned to leave, we had our backs turned. Then, Gerard turned around when Bert said something; he saw the gun and pulled me to the ground.” Frank sighed.  
“Thank you, Frank. I have no farther questions.” Brent nodded at Frank, meeting his eyes with a silent vote of confidence.  
Richard cleared his throat behind them, walking towards where Frank was seated with a malevolent grin on his face. Brent wanted to smack it off, but he didn’t think it would bode well for the prosecution, so he refrained.   
“Mr. Iero, would you consider Gerard Way to be emotionally stable?” Richard questioned.  
“Uh, yeah? Of course.” Frank answered, confused with the questions relevance.   
“If that is the case, why was it that you referred Mr. Way to your therapist – Elizabeth Foster?”   
Frank shot a glance towards Gerard, who looked as confused as he felt. How did Richard get this information? Oh, right, Lawyers had shady connections. Obviously.   
“I thought it would help Gerard deal with his past abuse. The abuse that Bert caused.” Frank answered, narrowing his eyes in what was his attempt to take control of the conversation. Frank knew it likely wouldn’t work, but he was domineering by nature and he had to at least try.   
“Mmhm.” Richard hummed in response. “You were also seeing this therapist at the time, correct?”   
“Yes.” Frank answered, shortly.  
“How long had you been seeing her for?” Richard questioned, clearly going somewhere with this, but Frank was unsure where.  
“About two years…” Frank uttered, somewhat confused still.  
“And you had appointments weekly, is that right?”   
“Objection, how is this relevant?” Brent cut in, standing from his seat with eyes that could remit any enemy.   
“Overruled, I’ll allow it. Mr. Bosslet, you better be going somewhere with this.” The judge countered.  
“Please answer the question, Mr. Iero.” Richard demanded, now glaring at Brent.  
“Yes. I met with her weekly.” Frank answered with a sigh, he was starting to have an idea of where Richard was trying to take the conversation, and he just wasn’t ready to admit this yet. Not to this asshole, not a courtroom full of people, and especially not Gerard.   
“Would you consider yourself to be mentally stable Mr. Iero?” Richard questioned.  
“Yes.” Frank answered angrily.  
“Then what would warrant seeing a psychoanalyst once a week for over two years? Surely, that points to a possible traumatic incident at some point in your life? Something that made you a bit mentally unbalanced?” Richard probed slyly.  
“No. She helped me get over my best friend’s death, that’s all.” Frank answered, knowing this wasn’t the full truth, but at least part of it. Maybe Richard would drop it there?   
“Mmm. Your best friend, Anna Clearwater, she died from a drug overdose in May 2013, yes?” Richard queried.  
“Yes.”   
“According to Dr. Foster’s records, you didn’t begin seeing her until November of 2013, more than six months after her death. Surely something else must have happened for you to need to seek out her services?” The smile on Richard’s face was nothing short of pure evil as Frank felt his heart nearly beat out of his chest. He remained silent, as he watched the smirk on Richard’s face grow.  
“Frank, please tell me about the events that took place on the night of October 13th, 2013.”   
“I’m not sure what you’re alluding to.” Frank said with a leer, he wasn’t giving it up that easily.  
“Might I remind you that you’re under oath, Mr. Iero.” Richard shot back, earning a groan from Frank as he lowered his head into his hands.  
“Fine! I tried to kill myself, ok?!” Frank all but shouted. Gerard’s face turned grey as Mikey clutched his hand. Frank hadn’t shared this information with anyone aside from Dr. Foster. He planned to tell Gerard one day…just not like this, not now, and the dejected expression on Frank’s face told Mikey that Gerard wasn’t meant to find out this way.  
“I would consider an act such as attempted suicide to be psychologically unsound, Mr. Iero, wouldn’t you?” Richard replied, apparently satisfied with Frank’s revelation.  
“No. I’m fine now, it was a long time ago. I don’t see how this has anything to do with…” Frank was cut off by more of Richard’s rambling.  
“Per Dr. Foster’s records, there was quite distinct reasoning for your suicide attempt, was there not?”  
Frank remained silent, staring daggers at Richard that would make anyone but him back off. But, Richard wasn’t just anyone, he was relentless and cruel and he was going to break Frank one way or another.  
“Tell us about the abuse, Frank.” He all but whispered to Frank.  
Frank, still, remained silent.  
“Were you abused as a child, Frank?” Richard said, louder and with more force as if Frank didn’t hear him the first time.  
“Yes.” Frank mumbled. Gerard thought he might pass out.  
“The case was thrown out of court, they found the man not guilty, didn’t they Frank?” Richard nearly laughed as he asked.  
“Fuck you.” Frank uttered, almost silently, but Richard heard him and he just chuckled.  
“How can the jury trust your testimony when you so clearly have troubled judgement? You allowed your best friend to die of a drug overdose because you didn’t get her help, and then you attempted suicide from the guilt! You clearly have a biased opinion on what constitutes abuse based on your history. Isn’t that right, Frank?”   
“Yes! Ok? What do you want me to say? Yes! I still don’t see how that has anything to do with Bert shooting me!” Frank exhaled, nearly in tears.  
“Your honor, people of the jury, though it is obvious that Mr. Iero was injured on the night of February 18th, I ask that you take his testimony and account of the events in question lightly, as Mr. Iero clearly has his own mental stability issues to deal with. We undoubtedly cannot take his account as absolute fact. I have no farther questions.”


	24. House of Wolves, Part 3

“Frankie, please…” Gerard begged, shutting the door to the apartment behind them. Mikey locked eyes with Gerard, silently letting him know where he would be if they needed him. Mikey headed down the hall and into the guestroom, shutting the door behind him and turning on the TV.  
“No! Fuck, Gee. I didn’t want you to find out like this!” Frank yelled, tears streaming down his face.   
“It’s ok, Frank, just please…come here.” Gerard walked towards Frank who was now standing up against the counter in the kitchen, trying to keep himself from going into hysterics.   
“It’s not fucking ok!” He screamed, slamming his fist on the laminate. “I’m not crazy! I’m fine now, and he made it look like I was insane!”   
“You’re not crazy, Frank. I know that, Brent knows that, the jury knows that, too.” Gerard tried to reason with him.  
“I thought I was ready? He was supposed to ask questions about the shooting! What the fuck even was that?!” Frank exhaled loudly, sobbing quietly as he did so.  
Gerard remained silent for a moment, before wordlessly stepping towards the quivering puddle that was his boyfriend. He took him in his arms as Frank cried, pulling onto Gerard’s dress shirt as if he would fall should he let go. Gerard had never seen Frank this broken up, not even when they talked about Anna. Frank was always so strong, so in control, and it was killing Gerard to see Frank so broken. Before he knew it, Gerard was crying, too; his tears mixing with Frank’s as he lifted his chin to meet his gaze.   
“Why didn’t you tell me, Frankie?” Gerard whispered, bracing himself against Frank.  
Frank stared at Gerard for a few moments, though they seemed like minutes. He took the time to just look into his hazel eyes, read his worried expression. He placed a soft hand on Gerard’s cheek, rubbing circles against his jaw with the pad of his thumb. Frank felt so small in this moment. He had always been a short man, not incredibly strong, but his personality was larger than life. Despite his height, Frank never felt small, not like right now. Right now, with Gerard gazing down at him, he felt little and vulnerable.   
Frank knew he should feel scared, should feel wrong like this – he was dominant, in control, governing – but in Gerard’s arms, he only felt…safe.   
“Gee…I…you had so much going on in your life, and it had been a long time since any of this affected me. You were still recovering, grieving. I was done going through those stages. I am done going through that.” Frank sighed. “The entire year after I tried to kill myself, all I wanted was for someone to tell me it would be OK, to hold me and love me unconditionally. I didn’t get that, and eventually everything was OK, but if I had someone there to help pull me through…I don’t know, maybe things would have been better, easier. I just wanted to be that person for you.”   
Gerard exhaled audibly, closing his eyes and just feeling Frank’s touch on his face.  
“But, Frank, I love you. I want to be there for you, too. I love how supportive you are of me, how protective and gentle you are. Didn’t you ever think I could do that for you, too?” Gerard questioned.   
“Of course. I just didn’t want to add to our already huge list of traumatic past events; we kind of had enough going on.” Frank laughed, just a little bit, coming back down to earth.  
“Come on, Frankie.” Gerard took a hold of Frank’s waist, guiding him backwards out of the kitchen and towards the hallway. He led him to the bedroom, wiping at Frank’s tears as they sat down on the bed. “Everything looks better in the morning.” Gerard said, before pulling Frank’s tie off earning, finally, a smile from the younger man.   
And in that moment, as Gerard helped his boyfriend get undressed and tucked comfortably into their bed, everything was worth it. Every tear they shed, every anxious glance, every unsettling expression they shared. Everything they had been through, and would go through together, would be worth it if Gerard could just come home to Frank every night. 

“Morning.” Brent uttered, barely looking up from the documents currently taking place in front of him. He was concentrated on something, a pained look on his face.  
“Good morning.” Gerard replied, Frank’s hand held tightly in his.   
“Hey guys.” Lindsey piped up from around the corner of the wooden hallway. She placed a kiss on Gerard’s cheek, followed by Frank’s. Mikey let her kiss him on the cheek as well, albeit, reluctantly.   
“Oh shush.” Lindsey teased as Mikey wiped at his cheek. “One more day, and we’re done.” She exclaimed, far too optimistic for what would likely be the most difficult day of the trial.   
With Mikey and Frank’s testimony completed yesterday, today would leave only Gerard on the bench. To say that Gerard was nervous would be a severe understatement. Richard berated Frank yesterday, it was only sensible to figure Gerard would receive the same treatment.  
“Motherfucker’s.” Brent uttered, and Lindsey’s face paled. She placed a hand on his shoulder and rubbed at the tense muscles under his suit jacket. Brent looked up from the papers he was holding and passed it to Gerard.   
Gerard studied it for a few minutes, Frank and Mikey trying to read over his shoulder.   
“What does this mean?” He asked, pointing to the bolded letters at the top.  
‘Conceptual and Psychological Evaluation for Robert E. McCracken.’  
From the desk of Dr. Joshua H. Figueroa, PHD.

‘To Whom It May Concern;  
I have personally interviewed and tested the patient for all psychological and mental abnormalities requested. The patient’s results were not unexpected and should be considered during trial and potential sentencing.  
The results of these tests are enclosed.   
Thank you.’

 

Brent got up from his chair and flipped the pages over to the test results. 

 

‘Conceptual and Psychological Evaluation for Robert E. McCracken.’

Acute Stress Disorder: Positive  
Brief Psychotic Disorder: Positive  
Erotomania: Negative  
General Adaptation Syndrome: Negative  
Hypomania: Negative  
Lacunar Amnesia: Negative  
Major Depressive Disorder: Positive  
Relational Disorder: Positive  
Schizoaffective Disorder: Unclear  
Schizophreniform Disorder: Positive  
Schizophrenia: Negative

‘While Mr. McCracken shows some classic signs of possible Schizophrenia, I do have doubts that he is suffering from the disorder in its entirety. I believe it is more likely that Mr. McCracken is suffering from a Schizophreniform disorder, a mental disorder diagnosed when symptoms of schizophrenia are present for a significant portion of the time within a one-month period, but signs of disruption are not present for the full six months required for the diagnosis of schizophrenia.  
The symptoms of both disorders can include delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, disorganized or catatonic behavior, and social withdrawal. While impairment in social, occupational, or academic functioning is required for the diagnosis of schizophrenia, in schizophreniform disorder an individual's level of functioning may or may not be affected. While the onset of schizophrenia is often gradual over a number of months or years, the onset of schizophreniform disorder can be relatively rapid, such as is seen in Mr. McCracken’s case.  
I also observed Mr. McCracken to be suffering from major depressive disorder and feel that it is probable that he suffered a psychoactive episode on the night of February 18th.   
Based on these findings, while I believe Mr. McCracken to be fit to stand trial at this time, I believe these findings should be heavily considered in Mr. McCracken’s defense.

With Regards,  
Dr. Joshua H. Figueroa, PHD.’

 

“What does this mean, Brent?” Gerard asked again, more timidly this time.  
“Basically, this means he was having a psychotic breakdown the night he shot Frank. He wasn’t in control of his actions, and he is mentally incompetent.” Brent sighed. “They’ve already given copies to the judge and the jury.”  
Frank laid his head on Gerard’s shoulder, breathing into his neck and listening to his heart beat, calmer than he thought it would be.   
“Whatever happens, happens.” Gerard finally said with an exhale. Brent nodded to him and pursed his lips, trying to bite his tongue before he let slip the scream that had been building in his throat since he received the test results. But, Gerard was right, and this was his battle, and his future and Brent was just the lawyer. If Gerard was at peace with it, Brent needed to be too, no matter how badly he wanted to kick Bert’s ass.  
Moments later the mousey typist was opening the courtroom door, signaling it was time to begin, and all too quickly were the five of them sitting in the same spots they were just a day before, tension already thick in the air and it was barely 10AM.   
“Please rise for the honorable Judge Albert Pizzano.” The bailiff requested. Everyone stood and the judge walked to his bench agonizingly slowly.   
“Please be seated.” The judge said, subsequently sitting as well. “We will pick up where we left off yesterday with the intention of wrapping this up today. Per my briefing with Mr. Bosslet and Mr. Russell, the test results for the defendant’s mental capacity were distributed to the jury. Has everyone had a chance to review the results?” The line of jurors nodded their heads in agreement. “Good. We will now move on to Mr. Gerard’ Way’s testimony.”  
Brent turned his head and locked eyes with Gerard. Both men stood silently in unison. Gerard could feel all eyes on the back of his skull; the jury, Frank and Mikey, Bert. The walk to the stand felt as if it were a mile long, every step taking more and more energy to complete. By the time he reached the bench, placing one foot in front of the other seemed an impossible feat, and yet before Gerard could turn around, he was placed towards the waiting courtroom, hand placed tentatively on the bible in front of him.   
Gerard didn’t hear the oath being read to him, just a constant ringing in his ears that both seemed much too loud and deathly silent at the same time. When the bailiff finished speaking and the ringing stopped, Gerard answered a short “I do” without his brain’s permission.  
In the next moment, he was seated and Brent was looking towards him. He was speaking, but Gerard couldn’t hear him. He saw his mouth moving, sympathetic gesture on his face, but all Gerard could hear was the pounding of his own heart in his temples.  
“Gerard?” Brent asked, pulling his attention back in.  
“Yes. I understand.” Gerard replied. He remembered something about Brent asking him if he understood that he would be asking questions, and to ask for clarification if necessary. They had gone over this previously. Gerard remembered his lines, but Brent’s would fall on deaf ears.  
“Gerard, do you recall the events that took place on February 18th?” Brent questioned.  
“Yes.”  
“We’re Mr. Iero’s description of said events accurate?” He continued.  
“Yes.”   
“Can you explain to the jury what your relationship with Bert was like? It wasn’t a happy relationship, was it?” Brent asked compassionately.   
“No.” Gerard replied. He didn’t dare glance in Bert’s direction. “It was like living in hell.”  
“Why is that, Gerard?” Brent asked, his eyes trying to send signals of assurance towards Gerard.  
“He abused me. Told me he would kill me if I ever left him. He told me he would kill Mikey. He said no one would ever love me.” Gerard kept his expression neutral, his mind trying to enter the same dark and unfeeling place that it used to go when Bert would beat him.   
“What gave you the courage to leave him, Gerard?”   
“He broke my nose a few months before I left him. I lost friends, family. Everyone told me I needed to get away from him. The broken nose was the last straw I guess.” Gerard said coldly.  
“Your honor, people of the jury – I have here the hospital records from November 2011 where Mr. Way was treated for a broken nose.” Brent handed the judge a small stack of papers just as he had with both Frank’s and Mikey’s. They were disbursed throughout the jury quickly; most people glancing over the sheet and placing it under their chair or on their lap before returning their attention to Gerard.   
“Gerard, why did you feel it necessary to move three hours away, away from your family and friends, when you left Mr. McCracken?”   
“Because I knew he would be looking for me. He didn’t make empty threats. I knew if he found me, he would kill me.” Gerard’s intellect was now talking for him, his expression showing no emotion whatsoever. He had successfully separated himself from the situation, entering the numb, out of body experience reserved only for pain at the hands of Bert.   
He was unwaveringly calm, eyes staring in no particular direction, but off in the distance and into thin air. Gerard was tranquil, all the anxious waves in his head had ceased crashing and the waters had stilled.   
“Thank you, Gerard.” Brent said, keeping it short as they agreed.   
Richard wasted no time sauntering up to the stand, trying to look Gerard in the eye in an act of dominance, but Gerard didn’t falter, his eyes still placed directly in front of him, focused on nothing in particular.  
“Mr. Way, throughout your relationship with Mr. McCracken, you say you were abused. Why would you stay with him for over two years if he was abusive as you claim? Why did you not report this to police?” Richard probed, inflection just sardonic enough to make Frank’s brow furrow as he watched.   
“He said he would kill me if I ever went to the police.” Gerard said simply.  
“You’re not a small man, Mr. Way, 5’9, about 160 pounds. Do you expect us to believe you didn’t have the ability to fight him off? Surely you could have defended yourself?”   
“Surely you don’t understand what it’s like being in an abusive relationship. Gerard barked back, eyes still stationary. “You don’t provoke someone like Bert, you don’t take your chances and you don’t dare defend yourself. They get a psychological hold on you; they berate you and make you feel worthless. I was brainwashed into thinking I was nothing without Bert. I needed to learn he said, I needed to be taught a lesson. That’s what he told me, and you don’t just defend yourself from that. It’s the kind of manipulation that takes months to build and you don’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late. By the time I realized that Bert had total control of me, all hope was lost. I was dependent on him, I was nothing without him. I believed every goddamn self-depreciating word out of his mouth. I believed I deserved every bloody nose, every split lip, every black eye. That’s exactly what he was trying to do the night he beat my brother nearly to death and shot my boyfriend. He was trying to take the control back, trying to take me back. He thought he owned me, but he was wrong. He tried to ruin my life by hurting the two people most important to me in the entire world. You clearly don’t know abuse, Mr. Bosslet, and how dare you pretend you do.”  
Gerard finally moved his eyes in Richard’s direction as he exhaled, nearly panting with exasperation. The room was silent, save for a few nearly silent sobs. Those cries were what finally snapped Gerard out of his trance, back into his body. His eyes shot directly to Frank whose head was pressed tightly into Mikey’s shoulder; his slender arms wrapped tightly around him as Frank cried, tears rolling down the collar of Mikey’s shirt.  
“No farther questions.” Was all Richard said before sending a scowl in Brent’s direction. Richard knew it was pointless, every answer Gerard gave him would be just as long winded and thought out; there was nothing Richard could do to break him. He would only be wasting his time. Gerard had sufficiently destroyed every attack mechanism Richard had up his sleeve. Good, it was payback for what he did to Frank.   
Gerard effortlessly removed himself from behind the bench, taking his place next to Frank who nearly knocked him over as he sat down. Frank’s face was instantly nuzzled tightly in the crook of his neck; arms bracing his waist tighter than Gerard had ever felt. Frank was still sniffling, but the tears had stopped; now he only felt Frank’s heartbeat slowing against his chest.   
“Ehm.” The judge mumbled, clearing his throat. “Thank you, Mr. Way. The attorney’s and I have agreed that Mr. McCracken is not fit to take the stand, and therefore we will be moving on to closing statements.”   
Gerard was surprised at this; Brent told him it would be unlikely that Bert would state his defense, as they usually don’t in these types of trials, but he still couldn’t help the sigh of relief that washed over him when it was confirmed.  
“Mr. Russell, I’ll allow you to please state your closing remarks for the jury on behalf of the prosecution.”

“Thank you, your honor. People of the jury, for the last day and a half, we have listened the testimony of three courageous men. Three men whose lives were changed on that night in February. Three men who stood before us all and told us their stories. These men before you have endured more than their fair share of agony in recent months stemming from none other, than our defendant – Robert McCracken. Robert McCracken battered my client, Gerard Way for two years. Gerard fought his way out of the toxic relationship, leaving his family, friends – everything – in search of a better life. And he found that life, with Frank Iero. In what should have been nothing more than a pleasant visit back home, Mr. McCracken turned into a nightmare. The defendant before you tried to take everything Mr. Way loved away from him, but he failed, and it is your job to make sure he pays for his actions. I know you will make the right choice. “  
Brent sat back down and Gerard could see the look of relief on his face. He was tentative, however, body stiff as he sat. Gerard could tell he was anxious and it made him all the more panicked, as well.   
“I’m not going to pretend that my client didn’t make a mistake on the night of February 18th. He did, that is undeniable. What I am prepared to tell you, is that Mr. McCracken is intensely apologetic for his actions. Mr. McCracken has undergone mental evaluations during his incarceration; those evaluations have been passed out to you. I ask that you please consider these results when considering your verdict. Robert McCracken is not a violent person, despite what the prosecution may have you believe, and I have serious doubts about Mr. Way’s abuse claims. Mr. McCracken was clearly emotionally damaged by his relationship with Mr. Way, leading up to a full psychotic breakdown – something that he cannot take the blame for in full. In conclusion, although my client made the wrong choices that night, I believe it is understandable to realize that he was not in control of those choices. Thank you for your time.”   
Richard nodded to the jury and turned towards Bert whose stare was just as expressionless as ever.   
“We will now take the time to allow the jury to deliberate. We will call you back in when we are ready with a verdict.” The judge declared, hammering his gavel on the wooden podium in succession. Everyone moved quickly, the jury back behind the courtroom and Mikey, Frank, Gerard and Brent resigning to the entrance hall. The four of them sat in a line of chairs, Lindsey filing out quickly from of the front of the courtroom and taking a seat next to Brent.  
Lindsey intertwined Brent’s hand in hers and nodded to him sympathetically. Brent took Gerard’s left hand, taking him by surprise, but he clasped it and held tight nonetheless. As Gerard’s right hand clasped in Frank’s, Frank instantaneously reached for Mikey’s left hand, and Mikey squeezed back knowingly, a rare occurrence of affection from the younger brother that was not lost on Gerard. The five of them sat, hands clasped together as friends, lovers, brothers; and waited, silently, for a verdict that may possibly, finally put an end to all of this.


	25. Viva Indifference

Gerard and Frank were sat in the corner, up against the large picture window. It had been over two hours that they had been waiting for the jury to deliberate, and it didn’t look like it would conclude any time soon. There were plates and empty soda cans piled in the small trashcan near the door, the scent of pizza in the air. Brent and Lindsey sat across the room, Lindsey falling asleep on Brent’s shoulder and Brent reading something on his phone. Mikey was giggling while typing away, texting Alicia as he had been for the past hour. Gerard rolled his eyes at his brother, but couldn’t hide the smile it brought his face to see him so happy.  
Gerard was staring out the window, contemplating this, when Frank spoke.  
“Hey…” He said quietly.  
“Hey you.” Gerard said back, smiling at him.  
Frank took Gerard’s hand and held it in his lap and exhaled, closing his eyes.  
“I was ten.” Frank said. Gerard was confused at first, but clarity came shortly after Frank spoke again.  
“When the abuse started.” Frank continued, opening his eyes to look Gerard in the face. Gerard nodded, instructing him to go on.  
“It didn’t last long, only a few months. My mom had this boyfriend, he had moved in with us after he lost his job. I think he just didn’t know how to deal with kids. I mean, I was a little asshole.” Frank sniggered lowly. “But I was just a spastic kid and he didn’t deal with it well.” Frank exhaled.   
“It started as just a smack or two when my mom wasn’t around, but it eventually progressed into punching and kicking when I would act out. My mom and I were back to school shopping one day in September, and I was in the dressing room trying on a shirt; a white button up – catholic school and all. When I came out to show her she could see a black bruise on my back through the material.”  
“What happened?” Gerard questioned.  
“She flipped out, ripped the shirt off of me practically. She cried, asked why I didn’t tell her.” He replied.  
“Why didn’t you?” Gerard asked, and Frank seemed to ponder this for a minute, biting his lip and eyes averting to the window.  
“Mom was happy for the first time since dad left. I didn’t want to be the one to ruin that for her.” Frank cocked a small smile, not a legitimate one, but just something that crept up on Frank’s face without his permission. Something about holding Gerard’s hand always made him smile, despite the circumstance.   
“She kicked him out, called the cops. We went to court a few months later, but they found him not guilty.” Frank said, now looking back into Gerard’s eyes.  
“But…why?” Gerard couldn’t fathom.  
“Not enough evidence. I mean, they only had my stories to go by. We didn’t have any pictures except for the one my mom took when we got home that night. He had a good lawyer.” Frank said, and shrugged his shoulders.  
“I’m so sorry, Frankie.” Gerard said after a few moments of silence.  
“Hey, it’s ok. It’s something I haven’t thought about for a long time. It was a shitty thing that happened, but it made my mom and I closer. It made me know what kind of parent I wanted to be one day; well before I knew I was gay.” Frank chuckled.  
“Gay people can still have kids, you know.” Gerard said, laughing.   
“Is that something you want?” Frank asked.  
“Mmm…maybe someday. I think I’d like a cat first.” Gerard giggled, pulling Frank towards him. “You?”   
“I want dogs. But, kids would be nice one day. Maybe a cat.” Frank hummed in complacency and rested his head on Gerard’s shoulder.   
Gerard squeezed him tight, rubbing circles in his side.  
“Thank you for telling me, Frank.” Gerard said finally, Frank responding by nuzzling into his neck.  
“I promise I’ll tell you about trying to, you know…” Frank couldn’t force the words out. He felt guilty, especially after Gerard had attempted suicide. Frank didn’t want to minimize Gerard’s feelings by trying to compare his own.  
“When you’re ready.” Gerard said, cutting Frank off before he needed to make himself uncomfortable.   
“After the trial. I promise.” Frank responded. Gerard smiled against Frank, and for a moment, if he closed his eyes he could almost forget where he was.   
It was around 4PM when they were called back into the courtroom, a full three and a half hours after they had been released. The jury had reached their verdict.   
“Please rise for the honorable Judge Albert Pizzano.” The bailiff commanded.  
Gerard swallowed the lump in his throat as he watched the line of jurors file back in, watching tensely as he stood from his seat sandwiched between Brent and Frank.   
“Has the jury reached a verdict?” the judge spoke a few short minutes later, after everyone was re-seated, albeit at the edges of them.   
“We have your honor.” A man on the far left answered. Gerard didn’t see his face, but he sounded nervous.  
“And how do you find the defendant?” 

The next few minutes of Gerard’s life were a blur. There was noise all around him, but the ringing in his ears had returned, muting the world around him. He didn’t remember standing up from his seat, but somehow he was standing and Frank was holding him, trying to keep him from falling down on to the cold hardwood.   
The blood was rushing through Gerard’s head, behind his eyes with an unbearable pressure, he felt tears streaming from his eyes that he couldn’t remember crying. He caught a glimpse of Frank’s face as he moved to pull Mikey into a hug with them. His face was twisted and his brow furrowed, cheeks flushed red.   
He was crying? Gerard couldn’t make sense of anything. Faces didn’t seem to make sense at the moment. He knew it was Frank’s face in front of him, Mikey’s, Brent’s and Lindsey’s – they were all beside him, hugging and crying. Why were they crying? Were they angry? Why couldn’t Gerard read their reactions? His brain was short circuiting, numb to the world around him. He should be feeling something. Why couldn’t he fucking feel anything?!  
He felt Mikey wrap his arms around the two of them, holding tightly. He could hear screaming in the background, but he couldn’t make out where it was coming from through the buzzing in his head.   
“Gerard, please!”  
He heard his name being called, but he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. It wasn’t coming from Frank; he was holding him tightly still. Frank’s hands moved deftly up to his face cupping his chin. Gerard thought he was going to kiss him, and he closed his eyes despite the chaos in his head. But Frank’s hands kept moving up the sides of his face, now casing his ears tightly.   
Gerard kept his eyes closed even though he didn’t understand, and the ringing in his ears started to silence with Frank’s hands around them. He could now hear muffled yelling behind him, his name being tossed around in the air. He felt Brent place a strong hand on his shoulder.  
“Is he ok? Let’s get him out of here.” Gerard just barely heard Brent ask over the commotion. Was he talking about him? Frank didn’t answer.  
“Gee?” Frank asked after another second. Gerard opened his eyes at the stifled sound of his name.  
“Shhh baby.” Frank mouthed, still cupping his head, holding his ears.   
Gerard started to panic, his heart beating faster with every labored breath. He reached for Frank’s wrist, pulling away from his head. Frank didn’t budge, holding his face tighter and pulling him into his chest, which took Gerard by surprise. Frank never made Gerard do anything, he was always so gentle. He wasn’t gentle this time, holding him close to his chest like a vice.  
“Frank!” Gerard yelled, but he didn’t let go, only hugged him closer, cooing against his cheek.   
Gerard took a deep breath and shut his eyes again tightly. He trusted Frank, and whatever he was doing, he was doing for a reason.   
And just as he accepted it, it was over. Frank’s hands were moving away from his face; instinctively, Gerard grabbed his arms and held them to his ears. If Frank needed to keep him from hearing something, he would let him. Frank only smiled at him.   
“It’s ok now.” He saw him mouth, and the words filtered through Frank’s fingers a moment later.  
Gerard nodded and Frank traced his hands down Gerard’s sides, taking their place on his hips, still as close as possible. The screaming Gerard had heard in the background had stopped, and the room was much quieter; just a mumble of conversation behind them. Gerard turned around, taking in his surroundings. There were a few people in the back of the courtroom, a few jurors still staggering out. Bert and his lawyer were gone, however.   
“I love you so much, Gee.” Frank said his face still red.  
“You’re crying…” Gerard muttered back, wiping away the tears from Frank’s face.  
“I’m just so proud of you.” Frank said, smiling. It took Gerard another moment of contemplation to understand, but once he did more tears came pouring from his eyes. He remembered. 

Guilty.

“Bert’s guilty!” He cried, wrapping his arms around Frank.  
“Yeah, baby. He is.” Frank sobbed back.   
Gerard pulled away a few minutes later, a realization coming to him.   
“Oh my god, Brent…” He mumbled, turning around to find him and Lindsey still embraced.  
“Brent…” He said a little louder. Brent pulled away from Lindsey, a grin on his face, and if Gerard looked hard enough he thought he could see that his eyes were just a bit watery, too.  
“Thank you so much, Brent. I can’t…I can’t thank you enough.” Gerard stumbled over his words. Brent nodded knowingly.   
Gerard outstretched a hand for him to shake, but Brent grabbed it and pulled him into a hug. It was a short one, but it meant everything. Brent wasn’t a lawyer, he wasn’t Lindsey’s fiancé, he was Gerard’s friend.  
“Sentencing is in two weeks, May 21st.” Brent said, knowing Gerard had likely missed that during the commotion. Gerard just nodded, still in a state of shock.   
Soon, he was being led to the car, brain still working somewhat on autopilot; one foot in front of the other without thinking. They said their goodbye’s with promises of meeting on Saturday for drinks to celebrate. Gerard couldn’t remember where or what time.

“You alright?” Frank asked with a smile once they walked in the door.   
“Yeah, yeah.” Gerard said shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head. “Just, still in shock I guess.”   
“I get that.” Frank said, collapsing onto the couch.   
“Here Mikes. Be careful with her, she’s my only transportation and I’m not getting on the bus.” Frank said, throwing his car keys to Mikey, and shivering at the thought of getting on public transportation. He had done it before and hated every minute of it, he’d be damned to have to stoop that low again. He honestly didn’t understand how Gerard did it.  
“I will, don’t worry.” Mikey said, grabbing a few things from the guestroom and walking back towards the door. “Thanks again.” Mikey said, waving goodbye.  
Frank nodded from the couch and sighed with relief. “Finally, we’re alone.” Frank winked at Gerard. Gerard didn’t seem to get the message, instead was still staring off into space from where he was standing.  
“What’s wrong, Gee? You’ve been like a million miles away since we left.” Frank asked, sitting up a bit to allow space for Gerard on the couch. He patted the spot next to him, and Gerard trotted over, sitting stiffly still.  
“I’m not…really sure. I just, can’t really remember how it happened. It just all happened so fast.” Gerard said, pulling Frank back down so his head was lying in Gerard’s lap.  
“We kind of lost you there for a few minutes.” Frank chuckled.  
“Yeah…I’m not really sure how that happened. I remember the jury verdict…and then just chaos.” Gerard said.  
“Well, it wasn’t really chaos. Just got a little loud in there for a few minutes.” Frank said, stroking Gerard’s sides as he lay facing him. Frank remembered what happened perfectly; the verdict being read, the four of them standing and hugging. Then – Bert screaming, yelling. The police officers trying to drag him away, pushing him to the ground and cuffing him as he struggled. Bert’s lawyer rushing out of the room in anger, following the officers that drug Bert back to whatever hell he came from. The jury gasping in awe, watching the scene; and Frank, just trying to keep Gerard safe.   
“I don’t get it. This only ever used to happen to me when Bert would beat me or scream at me. My mind would just…go blank.” Gerard said, furrowing his brow, disoriented. He wobbled his head, trying to shake the feeling of confusion.   
Frank sat up a bit, to look Gerard in the eyes. He studied his expression for a minute and then pressed their forehead’s together. The question revolved in his head, back and forth. Should he tell him or shouldn’t he? Fuck, Frank couldn’t keep a secret from Gerard even if he wanted to.  
“Gee…why do you think I was covering your ears?” Frank asked.  
“Because it was so loud? I don’t know, I didn’t really think about it. I just trusted you.” Gerard answered.  
“Do you want to know why?” Frank questioned, and after he said it he wondered if he should tell Gerard if he didn’t remember. Maybe it was better if he stayed in the dark.  
“Yes.” He said confidently. Gerard didn’t really know for sure that he wanted to know the truth, but the words formed and flew out of his mouth, anyway, before he could consider the consequences.  
“Bert was screaming at you. The second they said guilty he started yelling, calling your name.” Frank replied, breathing into Gerard’s neck now, rubbing his fingers over his collar bone.  
“I remember hearing my name…”   
“You don’t remember anything else?” Frank probed.  
“No…”  
“Good.” Frank said, nestling farther into Gerard’s side, holding on to him tight. “It doesn’t matter now.”   
Gerard considered asking Frank what Bert was screaming, he would tell him, Gerard knew it. But, he thought maybe it would be better if he didn’t know; never knew. Frank thought the same, glad Gerard hadn’t asked, and although he would have told him, Frank knew it would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Gerard fell asleep early that night, cuddled tightly against Frank in their shared bed. Frank was stroking his hair, breathing in the scent of Gerard’s shampoo mixed with the permanent linger of cigarette smoke. It was nearing 3AM by the time Frank started to finally drift off. He kept replaying Bert screaming over and over in his head. When he eventually did fall asleep, Bert’s voice plagued his dreams. 

“Gerard, please!”

“I love you so much, please don’t do this…”

“I’ll fucking kill you Gerard!” 

“I swear to god I’ll kill you and your faggot boyfriend!”


	26. Cemetery Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you ever have those things, activities and hobbies that remind you of terrible times in your life? Unfortunately, this story was my coping method through a lot of really awful stuff and its become really difficult to write. If anyone is interested, I'd be happy to take on a ghost writer (credited as a co-writer of course) to help me finish this. I have an idea of how to wrap things up, but I would love some input as well as some help because I'm not sure I can finish it on my own without having a mental breakdown. If anyone is interested in writing, contact me on twitter @kayteemustdie or leave a comment below and I will get in contact with you. Enjoy!

“You alright?” Gerard asked, groggily pouring himself a cup of coffee. Frank had woken up at about 8AM, disturbed from his sleep by another nightmare, another near sleepless night. Gerard seemed to be sleeping well these days, trial finally over. Gerard knew he had Frank to thank for that.  
“Yeah. Just tired.” Frank replied, only being marginally honest. He was tired, but that wasn’t exactly the whole story, and Gerard could tell by the way he was staring into space, holding his mug of coffee that was nearly full and had long gone cold.  
Gerard slumped into the chair across from Frank at the kitchen table; the one they never actually used for meals. “You look terrible.” Gerard said, only realizing how it sounded once it left his lips. He had no filter in the morning.  
“Thanks.” Frank replied sarcastically.  
“No, no, no.” Gerard shook his head. “I don’t mean it like that. I mean you look upset.”   
“Mmph.” Frank replied, a grunt into his cold mug.   
“What’s wrong, baby?” Gerard asked, flashing sympathetic eyes at his boyfriend as he stirred sugar into his cup.  
Frank sighed and looked up at Gerard, whose sugar had to be passed dissolved by now, though he kept stirring mindlessly.  
“Guess I’m still freaked out from the trial.” Frank said, hoping it would be vague enough to hide his discomfort, but honest enough to stop eliciting questions.  
“Bert.” Gerard said, knowingly. Frank nodded. “He said something that you didn’t want me to hear.”   
Frank returned his sight to the table, fidgeting his thumbs in his lap.   
“You don’t have to tell me what he said, but if it’s bothering you, I want to know so I can help.” Gerard said, reaching across the table to take Frank’s hand.  
Frank removed his hands from his lap, placing one in Gerard’s and squeezed. “It just got to me, I guess. I’d rather you be in the dark on this one.” Frank said.  
“It’s nothing I haven’t heard before, besides, he’s going to jail. He can’t hurt us there.” Gerard said. When did Gerard become the strong, rational one, Frank wondered. It wasn’t long ago they were in opposite positions, Frank telling Gerard the same truths he was telling him now.   
“I know.” Frank said, trying to convince himself of it.  
“You don’t have to protect me, Frankie. I can handle it. It’s been over a week, I’ll be alright. I’m…learning to let go.” Gerard said, assuredly.   
Frank cocked his eyebrow at him and ran his fingers over Gerard’s arm. It made Gerard shiver and then giggle, making Frank smile – just a little bit.   
“There he is.” Gerard teased, and Frank couldn’t help but smile a bit wider.   
“It’s not just what Bert said. I want to tell you about, you know, the other thing. I just don’t know how.” Frank responded lowly, smile now fading.   
“It won’t be easy, but I’m here. As long as it takes, Frank, I’m not leaving. When you’re ready, I’m listening. Always.” Gerard replied.  
Frank stared at him for a few moments, before standing from his chair and walking towards the counter. He dumped out the mug of coffee in the sink and rinsed out the cup.  
“Come on.” Frank said casually, and Gerard grinned behind him. 

Frank sat Gerard down on the couch, sitting with his short legs crossed sideways, Gerard leaning on the arm rest facing him.   
“So, where do you want me to start?” Frank asked, biting on his bottom lip.  
“Start with what’s bothering you the most.” Gerard said. Frank pondered this for a moment, picking at the lint on his pajama bottoms and avoiding eye contact with his boyfriend.  
“I just keep hearing Bert screaming, over and over again.” He uttered out after a few minutes of tense silence.  
“I used to hear him a lot, too.” Gerard replied, sympathetically. He remembered all the foul things Bert had said to him during their relationship, and how he used to replay his abuses in his head. Gerard believed them for a long time, but not anymore. Not since Frank.  
“It’s not what he said that scared me. I don’t think.” Frank mumbled, trying to make sense of it.  
“It’s the way he said it.” Gerard said before Frank could finish.  
“Yeah…” Frank sighed after another a moment of silence.  
“Bert had this way of convincing me of anything. Something about the way he can look through you.”   
“I think I know what you mean.”   
“You don’t have to tell me what he said, I think I have a pretty good idea based on his track record.” Gerard snorted, earning a cocked eyebrow in response from Frank.  
“Hmmm…” Frank hummed. “It bothers me because I got a taste of what you went through for two fucking years, Gee. He’s terrifying, I just can’t imagine…” Frank trailed on.  
Gerard shrugged. “It’s in my past now.”   
“You’re incredible, you know that?” Frank asked, earnestly. Gerard blushed.  
“You are.”  
“Just know that no matter what Bert said, it goes away eventually. I promise.” Gerard smiled expressively.  
Frank nodded, cocking a small grin back at Gerard who was still sipping his coffee.  
They were motionless for a few minutes, Frank deep in thought. Gerard knew what he was considering, he had seen the same look painted on Frank’s face often in the past week. He looked pained, like he wanted to speak but didn’t know how. Gerard wanted to know, needed to know, but Frank just couldn’t get the words out.  
“You don’t have to do this right now, Frankie.” Gerard said. He knew he couldn’t keep giving Frank a pass, but he hated to see him in so much distress.  
“Yes, I do.” Frank said at once. If he didn’t do it now, he would keep putting it off. He had to bite the bullet, and he had to do it now.   
“It was a couple of weeks before my 23rd birthday. Anna had died a few months earlier and I had been in New York for almost a year by myself. I felt like it was the biggest mistake I had made in my entire life. I hadn’t made any friends, I was barely making ends meet. It was awful.”   
Gerard watched Frank with understanding eyes as he combed through the events in his head.  
“I couldn’t take it anymore. I just felt so…alone. So useless.” Frank shrugged. “I wrote a short note to my mom, mostly just saying that I was sorry. I bought a rubber hose from the home improvement store after looking shit up online. It seemed like the cleanest, most painless way. It was around 2AM on a Thursday night, I drove to an empty parking lot on 29th street. I ran the hose from the exhaust of my car in the passenger side window, and duct taped it shut so the exhaust would stay in the car.”   
Frank was starting to tremble slightly, remembering the night. It was cold out, windy, quiet.  
“I smoked a few cigarettes against the car before I got in and started it. I left the note on the passenger seat and just sat there with my eyes closed for a while. The smell wasn’t too overwhelming, and there was no pain, just a little dizziness. I remember listening to music for about ten minutes, and then nothing. I blacked out after that.”   
Gerard bit his tongue for fear of breaking into tears.  
“Sometime around 3AM, something like 15 minutes after I got in the car, someone walking down the road spotted my car. I guess they walked the road a lot and knew it didn’t belong, because they came over to check it out. They broke the window and pulled me out.” Frank sighed, straining to keep his composure.   
“I remember waking up in the hospital the next day. I had never seen my mom so terrified. That was the worst part, seeing her face, watching her cry. I felt fucking awful. She convinced me to start getting professional help, and that’s when I started seeing Dr. Foster. I guess I hadn’t gotten over the guilt of Anna’s death, and I hadn’t been coping well; just bottling it up until I couldn’t take it anymore.”   
“Frank…” Gerard whimpered. “I’m so fucking sorry, Frank.”  
Frank knew Gerard wasn’t apologizing for anything in particular, and though he wanted to tell him not to be sorry, he just grabbed him. He pulled him into a crushing hug, feeling the warmth of Gerard’s body against his.   
“Thank you.” Frank said after a few seconds, brushing the hair out of his face once they pulled away.   
Gerard smiled at him, rubbing the pads of his fingers on Frank’s jaw.   
“You’re the only person I’ve ever told.” Frank admitted.  
“Really? Not even Jamia?”  
“Not even Jamia.”   
“I love you.” Gerard said.  
“I love you, too.” 

 

“Well, that was just sinful.” Gerard giggled breathily, covered only by a thin grey sheet as he wiped his mouth, about forty minutes after the couple had made their way from the couch to the bed.   
Frank lit a cigarette and passed it to Gerard after taking a drag. He sat up in bed and against the headboard and pushed his hair out of his face; he glanced at the clock – 12:34PM; good, it was still early in the day. Frank wasn’t done with Gerard yet.  
“That mouth of yours is going to damn us both to hell.” Frank laughed, relishing the feeling of Gerard’s lips wrapped around him.  
“And you would love every second of it.” Gerard replied, smoke billowing from his lips. “Besides, I would sell my soul to Satan just to make out with you.”   
“You’re so sweet.” Frank teased. “It’s a good thing my moral compass is already so utterly fucked.” Gerard passed the cigarette back to Frank, flicking the ashes into the tray next to them.   
“Please, you have a heart of gold.” Gerard countered.  
Frank cocked an eyebrow at Gerard and took another drag.  
“Nah, at my core I’m a real sadistic asshole.”   
“You couldn’t hurt a fly.” Gerard ribbed.   
“I could hurt you.” Frank said darkly.  
Gerard seemed to contemplate this for a minute, vision going hazy as Frank smoked wordlessly next to him.   
“I stand by what I said. You don’t have it in you.” Gerard provoked. Frank knew he was mocking him, teasing him, trying to get him to react.   
So Frank remained silent, simply butting out the cigarette in the tray on the nightstand and cracking his neck, head bobbing side to side. Gerard watched him with lustful eyes; he could see Frank’s back stiffen as he sat forward and cleared his throat.  
The next second, Frank’s hand was in a fist of Gerard’s hair, pulling his head back so his neck was exposed. Gerard felt his heart practically beat out of his chest at the motion.  
“Don’t test me.” Frank growled into Gerard’s ear. He could feel his hot breath on his neck, heavy and thick.  
Gerard couldn’t help but laugh lowly, both nervous and turned on. It was an automatic response, and not the one Frank was trying to elicit as he bit down at the pulse point on Gerard’s neck, making his laugh turn into a whimper.  
“I will hurt you.” Frank practically moaned in Gerard’s ear. “If that’s what you want.” He fisted harder at Gerard’s hair, earning a gasp from him under his grip.  
“Tell me what you want, Gerard.” Frank cooed after another second of silence.  
Gerard swallowed hard, eyes facing the ceiling. He had just gotten off less than 15 minutes ago, but he was already half hard with Frank’s fist in his hair, lips trailing just under his ear, a beautiful, soft contrast to Frank’s rough words.   
“Hurt me.” Gerard said finally. And that’s exactly what Frank planned to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on twitter for early updates on when the story will be updated. @kayteemustdie. I will be updating regularly, about two chapters or more per week until the end. I anticipate this to be close to 50 chapters, so I hope you stick with me!  
> Feel free to leave comments here or on twitter. I will answer your questions if you have them!
> 
> :)


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